Douchebag Manifesto

It is true...as time passes I move further away from the young woman I was-and closer towards the douchebag I seem destined to be...

I don't know how it happened...when it started...I remember passing out in an airport after a long night of infidelity ( on my part) and rock 'n' roll (on his part)...only to find myself facing the man who loved me...I choked through jokes, still drunk, sitting on my suitecase in my roommate's dress...

Or maybe it was when I started moving between Italy and California often...The different languages allowed me distance between lovers and friends...I began having different lives that ran parallel and never crossed...

Though maybe it was when I began working in the restaurant industry full time...restaurants/bars being sexually charged places and I was in a loving but passionless union-where eventually I strayed.

Maybe that is the key...After six years, I haven't found a partner in anyone else, haven't really cared to...that said, I have sought out passion, the primal...and I have found it...So emotionally I have been shut-off but sexually my dial has been turned to eleven.

Sleeping with someone else's husband? It is the perfect paradigm. He will never leave her and so I am safe from ever having to feel or deal with his feelings. As jaded and as twisted as it sounds-it makes perfect sense...and now that I am no longer working with him, I don't have to worry about her finding out.

But I worry about what this means for the future...I mean, am I capable of bringing emotion back into the bedroom? Back into my life? Will I able to be happily monogamous or only begrudgingly so...Am I just damaged goods at this point?

I don't worry about being alone, because luckily I have good people in my life, and I get the affection/nurturing I need...but everything has been so compartmentalized for so long, I don't know how to bring all the pieces together, or even sure that it is necessary I do so...
So I am a douchebag

And I do douchey things...I can admit here, to inviting two guys to the same event, one who I liked, one who I considered a friend w/benefits. I invited the booty call guy to ensure I wouldn't sleep with the guy I liked. God forbid I have feelings for someone I sleep with.

And I could go one, but I don't think anyone would want me to...as good as it would feel to confess...it would be a selfish act on my part- and since I recognize blogs are already narcissistic-why fall into the pond and drown you all in the twisted details...

So yeah...who thinks that I should endure female circumcision, be chained to a wall and be subject to severe and vigorous therapy?

But if all else fails, there is always the fail-safe...a cocktail and a good pounding...