If it is to be believed, that when posed with a fork in the road...one path we live in this universe, and the other path is fufilled in an alternate one, it is safe to assume that in the other world, I am a serial killer, that chokes out ignorant consumers with my bare hands.
I am not saying it is just...just that if you brow beat me over a plate of food or a cocktail, I have imagined draining the life out of your body...with a slow and painful chokehold.
when not plotting your death, I rescue kittens and read to orphans.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Sunday, March 1, 2009
mea culpa
I apologize.
I apologize for being hurt and lashing out
.I apologize for being an asshole and not just letting you drift off, as you wished, in these months...constantly trying to get under your skin and force you to use your words. I don't like loose ends or feeling out of control. I really don't even know what my point was...it is like my first months in the bay never happened...I had to go back and re-read emails and blogs to connect with any urgency I felt about the "situation" between us.
That said, I really think you need to stop mixing up my flaws with your demons...You said that I shouldn't try to fit you in a box, that people didn't know how to take you etc, then you go and say that you don't feel like you can take me around certain people. Irish, you never wanted to. You wanted a partner in sleaze, you made that clear.After a polite dinner with your friends and the David Sedaris reading...you wanted to go get drugs and go back to your place...I asked you to come to Berkeley sometime on your day off-see the sun...you never responded...you said you wanted more drug friends...I fit the bill.
I was a fucking mess there for a few months...just broken.Drinking too much,lost..too much free time and not enough hope. I know I was a handful...everything felt so fragile...I obsessed over the smallest slight. I told you I was raw and apologized for being so blunt i.e " a cocktail and a hard pounding". You said that you were entertained by it, said I was on a roll...Now that I have a job and no free time, I am far too tired to try to find bacteria on the backs of fleas.
I can filter. I can adjust...I know who I am and how to temper it...I just didn't think I had to. I felt safe with you. I trusted you. Which is why it all got so confusing, those nights...you were intimate, intense, you would take...then draw the line...I just wanted to make it all better...I wasn't even sure what that meant. still don't.
That night, on ocean beach...it was magical for me. It was the first time in YEARS, I felt like I was in the right place and not in between places. That night made the bay home for me again...I thank you for that, if nothing else, regardless of what becomes of us-you gave me my home back...
I don't think what you said to Nadia was wrong as much as it was out of context...before it all became a cartoon, when we were in contact...we took turns freaking out...I struck some nerve with you...I don't know if it was because ultimately you didn't like me-which is fine...or that you did...and I,being female,somehow dislodged you from your orbit. I just wanted you to tell me. Not wish me away or tell Nadia, but to discuss your misgivings with me. I figured if I irritated you enough, you would. Not so much.
Whatever...it is was it was what it is. I throw the ball in your court and hope you will volley it back in time. Coffee perhaps. We have to figure something out. I would hate for you to skip out on her bday or whatever because I may be there...not that you would, but you get the point.oh, and I sent a copy of this to nadia, so when you get mad, she already has the script. since you won't talk to me.
I apologize for being hurt and lashing out
.I apologize for being an asshole and not just letting you drift off, as you wished, in these months...constantly trying to get under your skin and force you to use your words. I don't like loose ends or feeling out of control. I really don't even know what my point was...it is like my first months in the bay never happened...I had to go back and re-read emails and blogs to connect with any urgency I felt about the "situation" between us.
That said, I really think you need to stop mixing up my flaws with your demons...You said that I shouldn't try to fit you in a box, that people didn't know how to take you etc, then you go and say that you don't feel like you can take me around certain people. Irish, you never wanted to. You wanted a partner in sleaze, you made that clear.After a polite dinner with your friends and the David Sedaris reading...you wanted to go get drugs and go back to your place...I asked you to come to Berkeley sometime on your day off-see the sun...you never responded...you said you wanted more drug friends...I fit the bill.
I was a fucking mess there for a few months...just broken.Drinking too much,lost..too much free time and not enough hope. I know I was a handful...everything felt so fragile...I obsessed over the smallest slight. I told you I was raw and apologized for being so blunt i.e " a cocktail and a hard pounding". You said that you were entertained by it, said I was on a roll...Now that I have a job and no free time, I am far too tired to try to find bacteria on the backs of fleas.
I can filter. I can adjust...I know who I am and how to temper it...I just didn't think I had to. I felt safe with you. I trusted you. Which is why it all got so confusing, those nights...you were intimate, intense, you would take...then draw the line...I just wanted to make it all better...I wasn't even sure what that meant. still don't.
That night, on ocean beach...it was magical for me. It was the first time in YEARS, I felt like I was in the right place and not in between places. That night made the bay home for me again...I thank you for that, if nothing else, regardless of what becomes of us-you gave me my home back...
I don't think what you said to Nadia was wrong as much as it was out of context...before it all became a cartoon, when we were in contact...we took turns freaking out...I struck some nerve with you...I don't know if it was because ultimately you didn't like me-which is fine...or that you did...and I,being female,somehow dislodged you from your orbit. I just wanted you to tell me. Not wish me away or tell Nadia, but to discuss your misgivings with me. I figured if I irritated you enough, you would. Not so much.
Whatever...it is was it was what it is. I throw the ball in your court and hope you will volley it back in time. Coffee perhaps. We have to figure something out. I would hate for you to skip out on her bday or whatever because I may be there...not that you would, but you get the point.oh, and I sent a copy of this to nadia, so when you get mad, she already has the script. since you won't talk to me.
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