I don't know what drudged up your ghosts or necessarily which ghosts they were...and I don't know the person you were then either...but I know you now...atleast in parts...the roughneck,the little girl...the dreamer, the asshole...I know you well enough to know that sometimes you are your own eclipse,standing between the light and your world-casting only shadows...and from where I stand, looking through a pinhole in a cardboard box-I can see your outline and imagine much of what lives in the middle.
and these ghosts that haunt you, this blood on your hands...they are just rings in your tree...because as much as we joke about you being the devil himself...you are as about as human as they come... passionate and good...selfish and numb...which has been bittersweet for me...you are like an Indian fig...difficult to reach, dangerous to touch-but delicate and sweet on the inside.( and they can save your life if you are lost in the desert)
I am sorry that you are hurting...wish I could do more to help...
but if you believe that God is a bearded chess player then he has to hae an opponent...you can't play chess alone...and if his opponent is Satan, who was his favorite angel before falling from grace...then you kinda have to accept that they are in stalemate....cuz eternity is a long time for a single game of chess...both sides having lost the same amount of pieces, having made the same amount moves...and maybe you have been lost somewhere in the middle...the rook takes a pawn...a pawn takes the bishop...or maybe they are constantly winning and losing the matches, but neither one can break the tie...
You aren't alone, baby. we are all out in the thick of it, making it up as we go along...just take away what you can, and wait for a rematch...maybe this time you will stay on the board.
and I am here. and I love you, unconditionally...you have changed the way I see so many things, myself included...and as twisted as things are, I wouldn't trade you for anything, not even some magic beans (: and you aren't an easy road to travel and it hurts sometimes, and not in a good way...but I feel better knowing that you can call me- I think you need someone outside your life that you can talk to, and isn't afraid to call you out on your bullshit.
queen takes king...checkmate?
