Crazy

So I have been thinking about my meltdown alot...and as scary as it may have been for you, it was WAY more scary for me...I mean, you always have the opportunity of walking away-but me, I am stuck with my crazy ass...

and I don't get it. I am not,nor have I ever been jealous,clingy or possessive. I suck at monogamy and have always had various men in my life. And I know what it means to care deeply for someone and be involved with other people. In every relationship I have ever been in, I have always had my foot out the door...it never meant I didn't love who I was with, I just needed my time. I am lucky that I have been involved with men that let me come and go as I please and don't ask alot of questions (;

The irony of me flipping out at the mention of another girl is sevenfold...because not only is it out of character, when I told you about my latest sexual exploits and you didn't respond-I was worried that something had changed between us or you had gone soft on me...or that you had fallen into the familar trap of the guy that wants the girl when he wants her-and not a moment after-but doesn't want to think of her on the prowl...which, fuck, it happens.

and maybe it is about control. It is always me that does what I want. I define the relationship and I hold the cards. I know where I stand with my friends and lovers and am secure with those relationships...with you I am not. I see you as someone who has one foot out the door and who holds all the cards and even though I know what the means,when you said there was a person of interest I felt like I had been handed my walking papers...especially because you stopped calling me and said you needed space-but were talking to her. Now, I know it's different-flirting with a stranger and dealing with someone who knows you and all your spots...during the rough shit a random hook-up or some harmless flirtation can just quiet the voices. You can enjoy that person and not worry- they are as you are, a clean slate.and like I said when we talked-I really just wanted some time with you before you moved on...and my reaction was totally irrational...trying to wrangle your attention or force you to spend time with me is fucking retarded. I watch girls get sucked into that and laugh. I have never tried to chain someone to me-cuz that chain works both ways and I know with time I will have break free.

These months have been emotional. I am not Mother Fucking Theresa. I had you in a safe place in my mind...and I could be your confidant and be your lover and never get confused about what that meant. But the last time I was in Vegas, I really saw in you that those lines has blurred...and it scared me, then you come to me and tell me your marriage is over and it was like opening pandora's box. Everything I thought and expected from you and about you had changed somehow...I felt like my relationship with you was a reflection of your relationship with her...that whatever part of you needed to be free-you explored that with me and that kept your marriage happy.So thinking of your life without her meant you could walk away from me as well-find something new and shiny-something safe. Also, you were more raw and emotional than I had ever seen you and that stirred up feelings in me as well...If we were never to talk again, I would carry you with me. You mean alot to me.

There is the part of me that sees you for who you are and wants more for you than you even want for yourself-and would sacrifice my own needs to make sure you found your bliss. Then there is the selfish part of me that wants you how I want you when I want you...and I can't even tell you what that means cuz i feel like that changes all the time. I feel like if we lived in the same city, things between us would be simple. We would see each other whenever it felt right. There have been times in these last months that I just wanted to be in the same room with you because it would make sense of the confusion...but with the distance, there is planning and fear that the time I spend with you is out of obligation and not desire.

And speaking of desire...we are emotional cripples and suck at this stuff. I agree that things have been far too messy...lets get back to what we are good at-laughter and orgasms and fuck the rest. I miss that sweetness.

leaving a light on

I have been telling you that we should just be honest, live in the moment-shower, fuck,kiss, laugh-whatever, then go back to our lives. I have been good about keeping things in perspective-you are married, you live in Vegas...whatever the fuck we are, it is what it is...and I never felt like my relationship with you stood in the way of me meeting someone else...now I am not so sure. I don't want to fuck anyone else. I am not interested in other guys...which is weird because I have cheated on all my boyfriends, and I am always prowling.

When I meet other guys,interact with them on that "dating/flirty" level-it makes you more important. For all your faults and Colt Ford mp3s, you just charm the fuck out of me. I love what you are and aren't, both to me and in general. And you are important to me. As time passes, that importance grows. You take up more space in my heart and thoughts. I wouldn't care except the distance is beginning to bother me. Though intellectually I accept that we live in different states and generally prefer things that way-lately I have really wished I lived closer. That is scary for me. Especially because I don't think we are on the same page about that.

Which leads to my second concern. For the longest time my daydreams about you involved fucking or ravioli making. (which looks really odd in print)...now I imagine us doing normal stuff, then fucking...laughing over dinner and tearing each other apart in the parking lot-not even making it home...going to a country bar, shooting whiskey then going home and fucking like animals until we pass out-sweaty and exhausted...And that is ridiculous, we can't even leave my room in Vegas. At this point I don't even think we could have a beer with Chris or Brenda-because we are far closer than we should be by their accounts-and to be around other people would be weird. Either we would be uncomfortable with trying not to act too comfortable-or we would be to comfortable and add fuel to the fire.

And the fact you said you can't see us together makes me think we are on different planets. I mean, I am sure you can't see yourself with anyone at this point-including your current partner...and if your situation were to change there is alot you would have to get thru before you could even think in those terms about anybody-I am so not trying to push anything on you...and though I NEVER thought I would think of you in that way-after my last Vegas trip I could definitely see it. We are similar enough in some ways (we both are raw and can roll with whatever is thrown our way) and different enough that it could never be boring...you calm parts of me and with me you would always be free-and there is a sweetness between us that I haven't felt in forever...but I am not a "safe" choice. I think you want a more traditional girl at home and then you get what you want elsewhere. And if Sam is indicative of your taste-you are in trouble...she was raw, sexy-but totally needy and had to be the center of attention-I can't see you being happy tripping after some girl-no matter how good of a lay she was. You can have a true partner-someone who knows you and sees you and all your spots and stands by you...but you need to go out there and figure that on your own-even as a friend I can't help you with that. There is more to life and love than what you know or expect...trust that. And sometimes people show themselves in codes that are hard to decipher-that doesn't mean it is a language you can't understand.

and maybe none of it is real. Maybe I am feeling what I am feeling because you are a question mark...but after john and I broke up, I swore I would never let myself get so emotionally tangled up in someone I couldn't walk away or pack my bag and move across the country or across the world from them...but when I am with you, I don't want to be anywhere else...I am completely in the moment-I just want to feel your skin against my skin and laugh at your dumb jokes. THAT is enough...for all the big and great loves I have had-the simplicity of the space we occupy is enough...just having you there next to me. What you do when we aren't together? Couldn't care less. But I think I am more invested in you than you are in me...

and that makes me a fool and a lifetime original movie.I am not going to be THAT girl-my heart is too big and I am way too fucking awesome.you don't get to hurt me