leaving a light on

I have been telling you that we should just be honest, live in the moment-shower, fuck,kiss, laugh-whatever, then go back to our lives. I have been good about keeping things in perspective-you are married, you live in Vegas...whatever the fuck we are, it is what it is...and I never felt like my relationship with you stood in the way of me meeting someone else...now I am not so sure. I don't want to fuck anyone else. I am not interested in other guys...which is weird because I have cheated on all my boyfriends, and I am always prowling.

When I meet other guys,interact with them on that "dating/flirty" level-it makes you more important. For all your faults and Colt Ford mp3s, you just charm the fuck out of me. I love what you are and aren't, both to me and in general. And you are important to me. As time passes, that importance grows. You take up more space in my heart and thoughts. I wouldn't care except the distance is beginning to bother me. Though intellectually I accept that we live in different states and generally prefer things that way-lately I have really wished I lived closer. That is scary for me. Especially because I don't think we are on the same page about that.

Which leads to my second concern. For the longest time my daydreams about you involved fucking or ravioli making. (which looks really odd in print)...now I imagine us doing normal stuff, then fucking...laughing over dinner and tearing each other apart in the parking lot-not even making it home...going to a country bar, shooting whiskey then going home and fucking like animals until we pass out-sweaty and exhausted...And that is ridiculous, we can't even leave my room in Vegas. At this point I don't even think we could have a beer with Chris or Brenda-because we are far closer than we should be by their accounts-and to be around other people would be weird. Either we would be uncomfortable with trying not to act too comfortable-or we would be to comfortable and add fuel to the fire.

And the fact you said you can't see us together makes me think we are on different planets. I mean, I am sure you can't see yourself with anyone at this point-including your current partner...and if your situation were to change there is alot you would have to get thru before you could even think in those terms about anybody-I am so not trying to push anything on you...and though I NEVER thought I would think of you in that way-after my last Vegas trip I could definitely see it. We are similar enough in some ways (we both are raw and can roll with whatever is thrown our way) and different enough that it could never be boring...you calm parts of me and with me you would always be free-and there is a sweetness between us that I haven't felt in forever...but I am not a "safe" choice. I think you want a more traditional girl at home and then you get what you want elsewhere. And if Sam is indicative of your taste-you are in trouble...she was raw, sexy-but totally needy and had to be the center of attention-I can't see you being happy tripping after some girl-no matter how good of a lay she was. You can have a true partner-someone who knows you and sees you and all your spots and stands by you...but you need to go out there and figure that on your own-even as a friend I can't help you with that. There is more to life and love than what you know or expect...trust that. And sometimes people show themselves in codes that are hard to decipher-that doesn't mean it is a language you can't understand.

and maybe none of it is real. Maybe I am feeling what I am feeling because you are a question mark...but after john and I broke up, I swore I would never let myself get so emotionally tangled up in someone I couldn't walk away or pack my bag and move across the country or across the world from them...but when I am with you, I don't want to be anywhere else...I am completely in the moment-I just want to feel your skin against my skin and laugh at your dumb jokes. THAT is enough...for all the big and great loves I have had-the simplicity of the space we occupy is enough...just having you there next to me. What you do when we aren't together? Couldn't care less. But I think I am more invested in you than you are in me...

and that makes me a fool and a lifetime original movie.I am not going to be THAT girl-my heart is too big and I am way too fucking awesome.you don't get to hurt me