The IT Factor

So maybe the real question should be, what is it about you that makes you happy? You, alone. The you that you are when you are in your head- those places no one else can hear or see...

Much of what you put out there is about taking control of other people...The charismatic funny guy, the irresistable asshole, The fix-it guy...people kinda just fall in line and you walk away with the control, whether you want it or not...but the benefit to you in that is you have the power to take it or leave it. Dominance is protection...but for what? Sometimes with you, I feel like I am dealing with a fortress,built around a walled city-that also has a mote of fire around it. But what is on the other side? What's the armor for? Is it to keep you in or to keep the rest of us out. In the last couple years I have seen past some of the fire, but that is all...

You say you to don't talk about things or bring much emotion to table in any of your relationships. But what the fuck? Can you say you are/ever have been truly happy? Cuz that is the big mindfuck catch-22 about this whole life thing...to only way to truly be happy is to risk pain. Do you think that is why you experience life through your cock? You allow yourself pleasure, but not emotion...Pleasure isn't happiness, Daddy...sex is a like a drug and an orgasm is a bump of coke...you can have a fuck all of a good time, but the end it is all fleeting and empty.

And I wonder if you can maintain a truly monogamous relationship. Completely free of swinging and "strange"...You do it for periods of time-but eventually engage in group play or other play. And in the past and even with us to some degree, some of those other relationships have had an emotional component. I wonder what that "other" is exactly, that thing you need...and if you could get it without sticking your dick in someone? Or- that if you isolated what you needed it would hurt too much before it felt better-and hence-you will just kinda repeat the pattern until someone gets pregnant or goes fatal attraction. Then you can blame them for your losses.

I bring this up not because I want to convince you back into my bed-trying to convince you of anything is like throwing a rock into the air and expecting it to take orbit-not only is it impossible-that shit is going to fall back down and probably hurt you. I'd rather be someone in your life that you can trust and that will respect your boundaries,your marriage. Life is way too fucking short to play games.

I just worry about you. You are my friend and I love you and I worry that all the measures you take to protect yourself from harm may end up hurting you in the end-you joke that things with you always end poorly-and I am thinking that is true even with yourself. I don't want to offend you or cross the line. I am sorry that I have in the past...that day I was drunk, I asked the easy question-not the right one. It isn't that simple and DEFINITELY not my place.

alright. I am going to go ride my bike til shit makes sense again.


...yeah