my black swan stares down 30

So you are, for all intents and purposes-30. You are entering a new decade and a new phase in your life-you belong to you, for the first time, really-and you have already expressed both fear and relief...Happy Birthday,Daddy....

But I want you to remember, there is a difference between where you have been, what you have done, who you are and who you will be. I don't like hearing you say you ARE a womanizing piece of shit...you definitely have been one, a prolific one at that- but that doesn't mean that is who you are. You don't know yourself well enough to know that yet. You require ALOT of attention, whether you realize it or not. Maybe part of that is not ever getting what you want or knowing how to get what you want from people in your life. Also, not allowing yourself to really connect emotionally to people leads to more shallow encounters-which makes it easy to collect a harem. I think you have choosen people that support your comfortable patterns of behavior...i get the sense you have just been on autopilot for years. You and your country song soundtrack, spending too much time and investing too much life into other people's perceptions.

Now you can change that. Or atleast better understand that...you never have to be selfish in a relationship again, because you have the opportunity to be honest-because if you are honest you don't have to live in a fractured mirror ...so stop bad mouthing my friend by putting yourself down. Give yourself a fucking chance for once. I mean, you have pretty much done every shitty thing you can do to another person, seriously-and you don't feel good about it...you have seen the worst of you and hopefully with time and you really looking at where you have been, you can put the demons to rest or atleast figure out how to satisfy those parts of you in a way that doesn't hurt other people.

And you may decide, you like having the different parts of your life not touch and that is fine as well. If that is who you are, then own it, don't feel bad about it. Fuck, who is to say that your way isn't the right and best way for you to live? In the time that we have known each other, I have seen your whites and blacks and most every shade of grey-if only in flashes, if only for the time it took you to cum and hit the door.And while you can be a world class fuckhole, there are some genuinely sweet parts of you-and for once i am not talking about your cock (thinking about it, yes, but not referring to it). But mostly with you i have seen the primal: flight response, fear, fucking...anger...alot of fear, actually. distance comes from fear, anger comes from fear...anything that is strong enough to hurt you can heal you. remember that before you make your next move in that chess game...and just because you sacrificed your queen, doesn't mean you destabilized the board. Pawns can become queens, mind your pawns and strengthen your game.

love you. mean it.