This thing got away from me somehow

Today, like a wall tumbling down over me, I realized that my relationship with V. had gotten away from me...hanging there, just out of reach...my fingers, helplessly brushing against it, not able to get a grip on it...Fuck.

Since he and I met, about 18 months ago...he has never been anyone I took too seriously...We laughed, flirted, fucked and laughed some more. He had his life, I had mine...When I would try to conjure up a feeling or thought to describe him-I couldn't...I would just grow numb...And in the months since I have moved ... we have grown close in absentia...We are in constant contact...But the focus has shifted from sex to each other as people...and I believe that, because of the distance between us, we let our guards down.

And now, I...well...FEEL.

So today, I did what I always do when I am not sure how to deal with a situation-I tried to destroy it...but it didn't work...he said I am the only person he has been honest with in a long time etc...didn't understand why I felt that us becoming friends was a BAD thing...As if growing close to another female who you have sex with whenever possible while married HAS a positive.

And I am confused.

This isn't a situation where we would work as a couple and that he just happens to be married- not at all. If he were single, we would be partners in crime, but we wouldn't date each other-just be playmates while we continued to date other people...If he were single, I wouldn't care or feel the need to keep boundaries clearly drawn-because,more often than not,the boundaries in my relationships tend to blur...but he IS married and there is only so much even I can rationalize...

Now I am starting to question the whole situation...was the sex just a way to avoid intimacy? Have we just turned the sexual energy into personal interest? What are we REALLY doing? Is it as simple as it seems, or am I missing the big picture?

I just don't know how this happened. It wasn't supposed to be like this. He was supposed to be a fling, an scratch for an itch that could be easily discarded-and now I feel like we are tangled and tumbling down this dark path that I can't see the end to. Maybe we will be friends and it will be fine. Or maybe the weight of two people could ended up crushing one.

Sigh.

Enough.

I have little need for morality, it clashes with my hedonism.

I had never thought much about the lives of married people...who they were, what they did, if I would ever be one of them or with one of them...I never much thought about the tenuous filament that binds a couple to the institution of marriage and to each other...or how it all works...Marriage, always seemed to me, an artificial sense of legitimacy-diamonds and satin, a church full of people or a piece of paper can't strengthen what is weak or make love any more important than it already is...It has never been anything I craved or felt necessary.

I still don't.

But lately,I have noticed that marriage is a national obsession. It seems like everyday there is another celebrity wedding-or divorce, Beyonce telling us that he needs to "put a ring on it"..."Bridezillas".."Engaged and Underage"...It is insane.

Then, the flipside of that, is our obsession with infidelity...I snuggled up with some tea and primetime tonight, and there were plot lines about men cheating and women cheating and not knowing who the father was...

Ugh.

And, of course, the elephant in the room for me, is my relationship to Mr. Vegas...People who knew or more accurately-suspected-have given me their perspectives about marriage...people who I never thought even had a strong opinion either way, came out strongly, on one side or the other.And with him...sigh...In Vegas, he was my home away from home. From his sense of humor, to his body language...to the stories he told...I was instantly comfortable...I didn't get nervous around him until I realized where it was all headed...How was I to know? The first time we met-he was with his wife...and within 8 months he was in my bed...and now...fuck...he is in the desert and I am here...but we are in constant contact...we talk about basketball, politics, what he and his wife did over the weekend...there is a closeness there that is odd.

I am used to unconventional friendships...but this one makes me nervous. Maybe it is some lingering sense of morality...

I have little need for morality. It clashes with my nihilism