This thing got away from me somehow

Today, like a wall tumbling down over me, I realized that my relationship with V. had gotten away from me...hanging there, just out of reach...my fingers, helplessly brushing against it, not able to get a grip on it...Fuck.

Since he and I met, about 18 months ago...he has never been anyone I took too seriously...We laughed, flirted, fucked and laughed some more. He had his life, I had mine...When I would try to conjure up a feeling or thought to describe him-I couldn't...I would just grow numb...And in the months since I have moved ... we have grown close in absentia...We are in constant contact...But the focus has shifted from sex to each other as people...and I believe that, because of the distance between us, we let our guards down.

And now, I...well...FEEL.

So today, I did what I always do when I am not sure how to deal with a situation-I tried to destroy it...but it didn't work...he said I am the only person he has been honest with in a long time etc...didn't understand why I felt that us becoming friends was a BAD thing...As if growing close to another female who you have sex with whenever possible while married HAS a positive.

And I am confused.

This isn't a situation where we would work as a couple and that he just happens to be married- not at all. If he were single, we would be partners in crime, but we wouldn't date each other-just be playmates while we continued to date other people...If he were single, I wouldn't care or feel the need to keep boundaries clearly drawn-because,more often than not,the boundaries in my relationships tend to blur...but he IS married and there is only so much even I can rationalize...

Now I am starting to question the whole situation...was the sex just a way to avoid intimacy? Have we just turned the sexual energy into personal interest? What are we REALLY doing? Is it as simple as it seems, or am I missing the big picture?

I just don't know how this happened. It wasn't supposed to be like this. He was supposed to be a fling, an scratch for an itch that could be easily discarded-and now I feel like we are tangled and tumbling down this dark path that I can't see the end to. Maybe we will be friends and it will be fine. Or maybe the weight of two people could ended up crushing one.

Sigh.