I Can't Stop You

I can't stop you,from hurting you or anyone else, never have been or could. I know that the best I can do is be there when you need me, to sort through the fall-out or to somehow cushion your fall...(I am soft...but you know that (;)

But when you were talking about the new girl, and how you were " on a high"...it got me looking back at some other conversations that we have had or things that even we have gone through together...

I think you have felt that high to some degree with many of the girls you have tangled with...the major difference with this girl probably is less about her ( because it has only been a short while) and more about the fact for the first time in over a decade-you can feel close to someone and not feel guilty...I mean you talked about the girl you had the emotional affair with at the Rio...you told me that there was something between you and Sam, but you were married...God, you and I went through it last summer/fall...the fresno trip leading into my stay at the Silverton...you said before I came out and stayed at the Silverton you were "excited like your girlfriend was coming to see you at college" and quickly said you couldn't have that in your life. And I am sure there was some moment like that with the girl you were seeing up until recently-but she came into your life before Mel moved out-so maybe on some level that twisted things in your mind...they may all feel different, but they come from the same place. like coke feels different than smack, but they are both bad for you.

I think the high comes from your need to be needed. You need to be needed and then when someone's need for you becomes too much you leave, act out, cheat...but you have to have that in your life. You need the picture complete. House, dog, truck, job, woman aka "country song"...

and I stand by what I say, if you don't take time, every woman you meet is m, because you build a life with them and then lament the freedom you don't have. If you have tricked yourself into believing the "right girl" will tame you...well, then you are a bigger dickbag than I thought. Until you explore you, YOU,not you in reference to another person-you will keep on living out the same patterns. Like I said last night, two people who just came out of marriages, one who cheated and one who was cheated on...find themselves falling in love? Um, are you fucking serious? I am sure she is pretty shiny new package, but essentially very comfortable for you...because she is attracted to men who cheat. One cheater? statistically that could happen. The next guy she falls for is a cheater? You don't need a psych degree to crack that code.

And you are stuck in your patterns as well... when you were in your marriage, we were in constant contact-I gave you that rush that you needed...when you had the freedom to find that attention elsewhere-you did, but even though your relationships with the other girls are different than how we have ever been-your pattern is the same. It cracked me up when you talked about waking up and texting her, then calling in the afternoon...I thought to myself, " He doesn't even realize that he is keeping the same damn pattern-thats how he was with me"...

And who knows. I could be wrong. Fuck, for your sake, I hope I am...I just want you to stop being so scared of you. I think I know you better than just about anyone, and I see so much good in you. I see this genuine, funny, sexy, silly, VULNERABLE boy who is so caught up in being the ideal man that he keeps fucking it up. You tell me to let you just live out your path, but fuck ,you won't allow yourself the freedom to just find what feels natural...you determine your path by what feels normal, or what you think looks good from the outside...that isn't what's natural...we talked so much about the things you would do if you were single when you were still with M...from taking a motorcycle and disappearing for awhile to going up to alaska...and though I don't advocate that you abandon responsibility and go off the grid...you do have vacation time-and you should take it...YOU, alone, not with some girl-I don't care how crushed out you are.

And that bullshit last night, where you said " I will just tell her I am a waste of HER time" WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF LIFETIME ORIGINAL MOVIE SOAP OPERA SHIT IS THAT? seriously? Either you have no self-esteem or you are trying to illicit some response from her. either way it is gross and you are bigger than that. and if you aren't? then you will be a waste of everyone's time, including your own until you are bigger than that.

Look at it this way...the part of you that is emotionally connected to me, dare I say NEEDS me, is the part of you that needs more than what you are comfortable with...that exists outside the country song, is restless...and I am a safe place because I don't give a fuck about all the bullshit, I just see YOU...I mean, who did you call last night when you were feeling down? Me...so if you want me out of your life, you got get right with you. Otherwise, you will forever be the booger I can't off my finger, and I will always be there, reminding you of those parts you are neglecting...

And love, true love...comes from time and weathering someone...what you feel after a month is all oxytocin ( it is them chemical we release when we touch each other...it leads to bonding...so if you touch someone alot...the chemical bond deepens)...and that love never is as shiny or feels as intense as that dreamy early period...but don't let yourself fall into a situation that you aren't ready for.

I look forward to the next time we meet. Just make sure you bring peanutbutter cups.