Dear J letter

You...cocky, selfish, sexy, funny funny funny...my sometimes friend, sometimes lover-though generally not at the same time or in the same state...I love you, I despise you,I crave you, I curse you, I want to fuck you or kill you depending on the phase of the moon...

You,just you...

And by the time you read this, you will be almost within earshot and as far away as if you were still in Vegas...and it has tore me up inside trying to renconcile that this week...

I know my place. I knew from day one there were rules and limitations-welcomed them...but now I am confused... I trust you as a friend...my heart is in it-I let you in between my ears-not just between my legs..something I never planned on doing-and I am still not sure why...I fucking KNOW better...my friends, true friends, mean so much to me...they are my family, my core...my home wherever I am...and you, you are...what you are...and you are wonderful, flawed, twisted, vulnerable...a husband, a bastard, the best and the worst of what is out there...and standing back, before we were even close...I would just watch, smile as you moved through a room, different stories... making everyone laugh...and I would watch as you sized people up...I recognized that in you early on, that we were similar in that way...that we had our eyes on the corners, always on the hustle...keeping the soft bits safe...

Oh, and those soft bits, and the tough parts...the chewy bits and the parts that melt in my mouth...what a wild ride it has been...from that first night you showed up at my apt...and, I,drunk and nervous and not knowing where it was all headed...continued to drink wine straight from a bottle, naked in my kitchen...and so it was...wednesday night masturbation...election night ass fucking...lotsa n lotsa phonecam...Atlanta...where I guess you could say, for the first time, we really got naked...and the last time we were together, I was on my knees looking up at you, and you smacked me...but the way you looked down at me-it was different...I'd crossed through the 4th wall, I wasn't just some fuck and neither one of us could fake that anymore...

And I guess I have been lashing out at you...partly out of genuine frustration...and partly because I feel out of control. I am not sure what to do or where to put you...I don't like the fact that we are friends but there are still rules...as your whore-fine, I get it Daddy, fuck me spit on me-I don't care...this is your game to play...but it isn't just a game anymore for me...and you aren't just my friend, and you aren't my boyfriend...you aren't even just the average friend with benefits...there is nothing about us that I can wrap my head around anymore...and it makes me someone I don't recognize...I am not the girl to chase a man or cling to a man or throw tantrums...and I have been feeling elements of all of that lately...maybe because you are such an alpha-you bring out my beta...but pride, Daddy, good ol' hubris-makes that an impossible state for me to live in...almost as impossible as Nevada...

So where do we go from here? Do we walk away, cease all contact? You invited me to a party where you will be with your wife...do you think that would be comfortable for either of us? really? In my mind, I could do it...because-hell, what do I care? But if I were to be honest with myself, It would be difficult...because I am not a bad person, and knowing that I had slept with her her husband, I would probably feel guilty...

I liked you better before I liked you.


just. no.

Amicitiae nostrae memoriam spero sempiternam fore