dismember me by

So I'm writing you because I think you stand without judgement. I think you can stand back and see all the different angles and ignore the geometry...also, I am hoping the simple act of writing will trace over feelings and create a map that will guide me...to...some kind of...truth, maybe?

I am a mistress, as you know. Have been now for about a year and a half...not to mention the almost year of flirting and innuendo leading up to the actual consumation...The first time Chef and I met, my casino was trying to bring him over from another casino...the head chef at the time, had me serve him and his wife, because I was one of the strongest servers...I blew it. I screwed up every part of service. I felt instantly comfortable with him, like we knew each other...so ended up being unprofessional and losing touch with the actual service part of the meal.

Flash forward a couple months, and he is the chef and my boss. It is shift change and he is coming with the night crew. I had worked lunch, and was in the kitchen with the girls talking about a date I had gone on and laughing. He came in, all puffed up, the sterotypical alpha male chef, with all of his cooks behind him...and he interrupts me, saying

"Hey, are your boyfriends all alcoholics"

and I look at him and ask why, to which he says:

" Because that laugh of yours, it would drive any man to drink"

So I turn to him and deadpan, without missing a beat:

" Actually, I am a GREAT FUCK, so nobody even NOTICES my laugh"

he said that he didn't need to hear that and just walks off the line and ducks into the office.

And I thought nothing of it. I thought we were just doing what chefs and servers do, playing out a scene in the endless civil war between the floor and the line.

but there was an invisible line in the sand that I had unknowingly cross and now was engaged in a cat and mouse game that would span months.

He later said that he noticed me early on, because I was always chatting with the other waitresses and I was so raw and honest, the way I talked about my sexuality and life in general, he knew we played in the same playground.

On my end, I just liked to stand back and watch him, born and bred in the east bay, he reminded me so much of the people I grew up with...and I had been doing my trailer park odysseus schtick for 7 years in 3 countries and various states by the time I ended up in Vegas...I was road weary and homesick...he was my home away from home...I just liked to watch...

And I never in a million years thought that the flirting would lead anywhere. I met him and his wife together...fast forward 8 months...I had decided to move back to the bay in August, it was May...Chef and I flirted relentlessly at this point, then one day, my first love-who is VERY much like Chef, showed up out of nowhere...I hadnt seen him in a decade...he was married but had some unresolved feelings for me so he came to my casino to sort it out...I was telling Chef about this and he said

" Well, if you are such a great fuck, no wonder...and by the way, when you say stuff like that...it makes a man wonder"

I laughed and walked away, saying that before I leave Vegas we should play " 30 seconds in the walk-in"...now, I was joking, but sexual acts/drugs being partaken in the walk-in cooler is a totally normal occurrence in bar/ restaurant world ( I had a boss in memphis who said cocktail waitresses exist just so bartenders/chefs didn't have to leave the building to get off)...I have snorted drugs, smoked drugs and have been eagerly manhandled among industrial boxes of mayonnaise and giant buckets of pickles...

random twist of fate and I ended up having to work a double, the second part of my shift, with Chef. I was hostessing and it was really busy, so I started running food and picking up tables to save my fellow compatriots who were going down in flames...I went to pick up soup off the hot line and Chef stops what he is doing to plate up my soup...and I pick up the soup and there is a note, with his number and an invitation he said

" If you can be discreet, we don't have to wait until you leave"

and he gave me his number. I was floored. I had NO IDEA. I felt my face get hot and my stomach traveled all over my body...from my feet to stuck in my throat...and it hit me-this man was married but I..couldn't...help..myself. I had never been with a married man. I never saw myself as "that girl". I had this lifetime original movie idea of the mistress as someone who was weak and didn't feel like she deserved more...and I am a crazy independent gypsy punk rock nihilist douchebag-not a scoop of vanilla ice cream in a glass of warm water...that night, I text him on my break, in turn, giving him my number...

He called me every night for two weeks, and I wouldn't answer. I would answer his texts, but not his calls...I was scared that his voice would make things real...then his wife went out of town...he was supposed to call and didn't...in all honesty, I was relieved. Then he called...it was a monday...and mondays I would get drunk while watching "Intervention"...I invented this drinking game for the show,anytime anyone cried or talked about what an "angel" the now addict was as a child-I would do a shot. I know, I know, I am a sick fuck...he calls and says he has decided that it would be a bad idea for us to get involved...I say, that's fine, no problemo-but he should consider himself a cunt tease...now I was pretty drunk, and didn't take any of it seriously...til he knocked on my door...

He came into my apt. and we just stood there and looked at each other...it was the most bizarre feeling ever...I had never had a sexual ecounter with someone I didn't know or trust. Or that was my boss. Or that was married. I hadn't slept with anyone I didn't know for 7 or more years in almost a decade. Yet here we were...and since I couldn't wrap my brain around what was happening I just wrapped my mouth around his cock-leaving any trace of the brain (no pun intended) behind in favor of the primal. And it was mind blowing...since there weren't emotions attached, since I didn't need him to respect me...since he wasn't on the " long term plan"...I could just let my body seek out his body with out fear...it was liberating...and when we finished, I rolled off him and said

" so what about my laugh"

and he said

" what laugh?"

then slipped away for the night.

I drank wine, straight from the bottle, naked in my kitchen.

The next day we had to work together. I just ignored him. Did my best to act like nothing had happened. And for about 3 weeks, nothing did. In retrospect, I think he was testing me, to see if I would blab at work or get clingy...what he didn't know at the time, is that I was a union salt, salting the casino I was working at-and that I would never put my job or position with the union in jeopardy by getting caught up with management...

Then I started getting scheduled to close as a hostess when he closed on wednesdays. I asked him to drive me home one night. He said he would, but I had to masturbate the whole drive to my place. I told him I would remove my panties and meet him in the Chef's office at close. And so it was, until I left for the Bay...Wednesday nights we would tryst...and towards the end, he started to show himself at work. He would only be in my restaurant when I was working, etc...

But I left. And I thought it would be over, because I thought it was just about me being low hanging fruit. But we started talking all the time...and really connecting as people. He became my friend. I flew back to Vegas for the election, and we had sex...flash forward another 7 months, He has left the casino and he is on a corporate training in Atlanta-I fly down and spend the week with him. Then I just flew back for the 4th of July and we coupled...

Now he and his wife were childhood friends and then they became lovers...he has been married 6 years and with her 12. I believe he loves her truly...but she is home, she is family...and he craves passion...I am the human equivalent of sky diving...I am passionate with hedonist leanings...the cult of dionysus ...would have gladly accepted me if I was O.G ( original greek)

oh, and they swing. He is 29 and she is 31. the only rule is that he doesn't play alone...but I feel like I compliment his marriage, not threaten it. In Atlanta, he came to terms with the fact he had real feelings for me..we decided to end it...but we...can't..we enjoy each other.

I am not sure what to do...here is this person who I get to just have fun with. I don't color outside the lines...I don't want him to leave her or be with me or any of that nonsense...I enjoy the banter, the sex...I enjoy him as he is and she is a part of him.

But I feel like I should care. or end it. or something. Because technically it is immoral. but I feel like we are totally honest and natural with each other. It is a fun little bond to have.

what would you do?

breakdown in communication

...I am really not sure how to say what I am about to say or what I want to say because...well...you are you- which makes most things difficult (;...and it is a delicate subject as well as a new one for me...okay..here we go...

Sometimes I feel like you forget how we know each other. Sometimes I think you forget about conversations that we have had...Sometimes I feel like the things you tell me are more about you making something true versus it really been the whole truth...like if you speak the words, go through the motions of speaking...the words are magically etched into the brain and feel true...or maybe your truth depends on how hard your dick is...

It is really hard for me when you talk about how Wifey is everything you need. Not because I want to be that for you, but because if that were true I wouldn't be in your life. I think she is everything you want in a wife or what you believe you want...but you need more than her in your life. The cheating? The swinging? I think you make it all about sex, but it is a general sense of passion that you are lacking...And there is nothing wrong than needing more than one person to complete you, I think it is normal...that is why so many relationships end...people have affairs, they grow bored..but when you talk about your perfect relationship with someone who you have had an ongoing sexual relationship it seems in poor taste and kind of silly. I am sure you are content on the whole. I just wish you would recognize that not all your needs are being met...not to me, but to yourself...it is okay...what did you say in Vegas? That you don't lie to yourself more than anybody else? And you act like a tough guy, but you are pretty soft in the middle.Don't counter with the sexual part of our relationship is over. It may be, but that still doesn't change the past.

You question the validity of my relationships because I take solo vacations...or for you to define in any way what is a valid relationship is insulting. You said you have never been faithful to any woman. Even if you never have another solo romp with anyone-you still swing. You have never been completely alone with Wifey...have you? You either cheated or played together. Most people don't have that. Until the drugs came into play in a major way, my relationship with Mr.Gita was very traditional. Actually all of my serious relationships have been very traditional...it hurts my feelings that you don't think a man would want me for anything but sex...I guess haven't shown you much more...

and yeah, the reason I don't illicit the damsel in distress is because I don't put my heart out there. I have a handful of people I truly care about...and unfortunately they are all over the place...I talk too much and am pretty raw...but I am pretty guarded emotionally...all that lioness is to protect the kitten...and it scares me that I may never find a partner in life...at the same time, I don't want to settle...or let the fear of being alone determine my future relationships...I don't want to play games...I value honesty...You have been my biggest risk, on every level...I am really not sure how you slipped past the guards...the exception to every rule.

You probably won't speak to me after reading this. I don't know.