Progress Report

I know we shot texts and you apologized and let me know in your opinion, enough had been said. Maybe you are right, but I want to be crystal clear with you.

What you said upset me. It upset me on various levels.

1.I am not envious of, nor am I competing with M for your affection. I would never want her to be hurt or disrespected by my relationship with you. Now, I am selfish, and am not so worried about her as to stop sleeping with her husband, let's call a spade a spade, but I don't speak poorly of her and didn't like hearing you be so callous about her.

2. If you would say that about her, that means I am REALLY low on the totem pole. Basically, it is a reflection of you caring more about being a stud than either her or I. which shouldn't bother me, I mean, I came into this your whore,not your friend-but now, I see you as a person-and people can disappoint me. I don't want to be disappointed.

3. By saying you were going to fuck her and think of me, you were getting dangerously close to-" I would rather fuck you than her"or " I'd rather walk through the front door and see you tonight"...and that is nothing I ever want to hear. I won't be that for you. I care for you, more than I thought I ever could-to be honest sometimes I wonder what would happen if your situation was different-but it isn't-and I am not going down that road with you.

I don't think what you said was that loaded, I think it was more thoughtless than anything...but all considered, I feel like I need to be careful-which you should recognize as a good thing-even if it means getting these emails every so often (;. I have struggled with the fact you are married since day one...If you remember, I gave you my number the night you gave me yours-but the minute you popped up on my caller id-I froze-wouldn't answer your calls. The possibility of us ending up in bed became real-and it scared me...The decent part of me wanted nothing to do with a married man, but the broken part of me was so numb that curiousity won over decency. And that numbness, lasted-and I still have waves of it. That said, I am not turned on by being with a married man. I don't feel like I am better than your wife or your willingness to cheat has anything to do with me. It doesn't stroke my ego. I accept that you come with garbarge barge full of baggage-and I don't judge you for it. Shit happens and we are here in the thick of it, for better or for worse...but I don't like you throwing it in my face.Maybe the other girls you have been with have been turned on by that, the thrill of being someone elses risk-but YOU turn me on. YOU. Your laughter. Your shades of grey. If you weren't married,you would still be as big of a thrill...know that.

I almost feel like there is a necessary role play between us. Which works. My only arguement is that I don't want there to be dishonesty. I want to know how you feel. I don't want to be blindsided down the road. I also don't want to be taken for granted. As your whore, I don't care if you spit on me-just keep it hot.As your friend? You need to have a certain level of respect for me. But I think you know that.

let me be the first to say it, in the simplest terms...I have a "crush" on you. you are more than a friend...I get nervous and shy when you are sweet to me. I like laughing with you. You are my friend and my biggest mistake. I like that about us. When we were in Fresno, I was naked and I put on my glasses so you could explain how gay that motorcycle mag was...I remember thinking-I am naked in eyeglasses-which is weird, cuz generally I only wear my glasses for official stuff. But it was perfect,another normality, line in the sand, crossed.

let me know when you read this.

fucker.

i hate you.