Social hierarchy is an organic construct, I get that...and our respective positions have to do with a smattering of reasons, both ostentatious (i.e. money, appearance, etc.) and the inconspicuous (i.e charisma, sense of self)...that said, I find people who identify themselves as somehow superior to others- really gross.
And in saying that, I don't feel superior to them, I just don't respect them. I don't have to. I choose who I want to be close to me and the exclusion of others doesn't come from some sort of value judgement on my part...I don't need to feel BETTER than someone to feel good about myself.
And it has been increasingly clear that my roomate has this smug sense of superiority in all things. It seems so misplaced. He interprets my behavior based on his world view-which is to be understood, but it explains the fact he is so overly sensitive...everything anyone says or does has a value attached- and you are either with him or somehow putting him down.
The fact that I took an almost instant disliking to one of his friends was turned into an attack on his judgement. If I don't see her value, then somehow I am invalidating his feelings for her. That by itself is just plain silly and adolescent...then he adds that he will be forced to play nice with people he isn't going to like-and then he names off people he hasn't even met...So who he chooses to be in his inner sanctum is indisputable, but my friends are suspect by virtue of being my friends? Yet, somehow I am the one who has committed an offense. He genuinely feels morally superior...which is fine...but our friendship is over...why would I allow that kind of judgement from a friend?
Those close to us are supposed to be, sounding boards, support systems,insulation against the bad guys. I define bad guys as "fucktards" and mormons (; -that's a joke...well, kinda.
And I don't live my life by some controlled sense of morality or being. I enjoy just seeing where a person or a situation can take me. I have done many things that would be considered deplorable by polite society and most organized religions...and guess what? That doesn't make me a bad person or less of a person...nor does it make me better than anyone else...I do feel that having experienced many people, places and things on various levels allows me to make more informed decisions...but that in no way invalidates the armchair skeptics.
Live and let live...and I don't have a big enough ego to think I should be the great decider of all things...I do what I can to work towards the things that matter and disengage from people and situations that displease me. We are all hypocritical, bigoted, selfish...it is really about the degree. So for anyone to feel superior is odd to me...does it come from a place of insecurity and fragility? You can feel secure about what you don't have in your life by looking down from on high? If you aren't happy, why not get out there and mix it up?
I guess I just don't get it. The goodness in people isn't reflected in talking points and voting records...or saying please and thank you...goodness in people isn't necessarily defined by acts of goodness-the best in behavior can come from the darkest places of self-interest...
And I am really really struggling right now. Moving back here has been difficult on so many levels. Thanks to those of you who have been there through the pity parties! Even though things are uncomfortable right now I feel pretty secure in who my friends are...which is more satisfying than I could ever imagine.
and I might need a hug. so, yeah, I am just saying.
Sunday, November 16, 2008
Friday, November 14, 2008
Douchebag Manifesto PT.4
I am not politically correct. I file that under "bullshit that's not worth my time". My roomie is having a dinner party and I was excited to meet his friends...Then I am in the kitchen and one of the girls gets bossy with the other. I make a crack about "showing the bitch who is boss". Was it in bad taste? Sure. Then one of the girls turns to me and says " There are no bitches here" ...Riiight, I forgot, we are all post feminist feminists...Shut the fuck up. I can't stand women who get caught up in what it means to be a progressive woman.
I live my life, fearlessly and don't give a fuck all who notices or what they think. I was raised without limitations and that means saying "bitch" without your disapproving looks.
Also, the whole politically correct thing is a sham. It is a way assuaging white guilt.
Live your life, be good to people, in a genuine way...life is better when it is cinema verite and not fox reality.
Ew. I am annoyed.
I live my life, fearlessly and don't give a fuck all who notices or what they think. I was raised without limitations and that means saying "bitch" without your disapproving looks.
Also, the whole politically correct thing is a sham. It is a way assuaging white guilt.
Live your life, be good to people, in a genuine way...life is better when it is cinema verite and not fox reality.
Ew. I am annoyed.
Tuesday, November 11, 2008
Douchebag Manifesto, PT. 3
I have taken criticism for rewarding a guy who is, by all accounts, less than evolved, with attention, both sexual and otherwise...
I don't care that he is an ass. It isn't that he is the one getting rewarded. I am there getting MY needs met. I don't care what or who he is doing afterwards. Not my problem or business. It is condescending to assume I am somehow his victim.
Sounds jaded maybe, but it's true.
Just because I'm an intellectual of sorts, doesn't mean I don't appreciate the power of a good ol' fashioned cavemaning. That is why really nice guys don't get ass. There is a very primal game of cat and mouse that we play, whether we like it or not. You have to be forward, take chances, show strength...not be so sweet and cuddly.Think less about a basket of kittens more about a pride of lions. Dominance can be sexy. Dominance can be expressed physically or intellectually...It can be a hand moving up the thigh or biting wit...Cocky can be charming when it is expressed through humor.
When it comes to the kaffeeklatsch I appreciate a guy that is well read. When it comes to the human act of love-I want a man that makes me feel like a woman. Even us post-feminist feminists need the right balance of pheromones, cro-magnon and possibly pinot-grigio...And I have dated men that are a fine balance of both.
And sure, generally a guy has to fuck me between the ears first...but with Mr. Vegas, that didn't happen...and that's just fine. I am raw. He was raw. It made sense. Timing is nine-tenths of possession by law.
I had a friend tell me that I placed too much importance on sex, that there are people that go their whole lives celibate...And I think it is completely unnatural to live that way. The need to copulate is built into our DNA. People who use religion as a motivation to deny the physical self are trying to ascend the body, dominate the animal that is at our core. To that, I say, "why?".
I believe that need to overcome the body comes out a need for control/fear. I think perversion comes from subversion or repression of our natural state. It is always gay men who become religious leaders for churches that hate homosexuals that get caught up in scandal.
So sure, I am a douchebag...but I am definitely not repressed and I know who I am...and I think I am pretty rad...
I don't care that he is an ass. It isn't that he is the one getting rewarded. I am there getting MY needs met. I don't care what or who he is doing afterwards. Not my problem or business. It is condescending to assume I am somehow his victim.
Sounds jaded maybe, but it's true.
Just because I'm an intellectual of sorts, doesn't mean I don't appreciate the power of a good ol' fashioned cavemaning. That is why really nice guys don't get ass. There is a very primal game of cat and mouse that we play, whether we like it or not. You have to be forward, take chances, show strength...not be so sweet and cuddly.Think less about a basket of kittens more about a pride of lions. Dominance can be sexy. Dominance can be expressed physically or intellectually...It can be a hand moving up the thigh or biting wit...Cocky can be charming when it is expressed through humor.
When it comes to the kaffeeklatsch I appreciate a guy that is well read. When it comes to the human act of love-I want a man that makes me feel like a woman. Even us post-feminist feminists need the right balance of pheromones, cro-magnon and possibly pinot-grigio...And I have dated men that are a fine balance of both.
And sure, generally a guy has to fuck me between the ears first...but with Mr. Vegas, that didn't happen...and that's just fine. I am raw. He was raw. It made sense. Timing is nine-tenths of possession by law.
I had a friend tell me that I placed too much importance on sex, that there are people that go their whole lives celibate...And I think it is completely unnatural to live that way. The need to copulate is built into our DNA. People who use religion as a motivation to deny the physical self are trying to ascend the body, dominate the animal that is at our core. To that, I say, "why?".
I believe that need to overcome the body comes out a need for control/fear. I think perversion comes from subversion or repression of our natural state. It is always gay men who become religious leaders for churches that hate homosexuals that get caught up in scandal.
So sure, I am a douchebag...but I am definitely not repressed and I know who I am...and I think I am pretty rad...
Douchebag Chronicles, PT. 2
Another douchey quality I possess, is that I don't trust people who go out of their way to be nice to everyone, that want others to recognize their evolved and heightened moral fortitude...
see: http://www.slate.com/id/2090083/
I do believe in the goodness of people...I love, enjoy, admire those close to me...but for those outside the pack? Sure,I am civil...it's hard to make friends walking around giving people the middle finger and cursing them-but I don't go out of my way to be nice-it's dishonest. That overarching, artificial sweetness comes not from how you have made that person feel, but your sense of superiority "I am a better person because..."
I believe people are motivated ultimately by the primal. Sure we have the ability to reason, we are homo sapien sapiens...and I thank the sweet baby jesus everyday because if it weren't for fear of prison or divine retribution or the need for man to feel himself better than the animals I'd have been stabbbed in the neck YEARS ago. Someone would have taken me out. Seriously.
People fear the law, jesus, or being viewed as an other/bad. People fear lonliness so they mirror those around them, they swallow up the politically correct kool-aid...do what it takes to be taken in by the pack.
And sure, I take part in the superficial decency of our human choreography-but to those close to me, I rarely sugarcoat or coddle and don't expect anyone else to. I don't live in a bubble, so I don't fear anyone bursting it. I don't knowingly make promises I can't keep. I won't tell you want to hear so we can put an issue to bed.
I am a firm subscriber to the greek school of Cynicism. The original cynics were critical of the dishonesty and excesses of their modern society. The word Cynic actuall comes from the Greek word for dog. They believed that dogs were of the most honorable of creatures, taking what they need and ignoring the rest. One of my favorite stories that came from that period is this:
There lived a wise man in ancient Greece whose name was Diogenes. Men came from all parts of the land to see him and talk to him.
Diogenes was a strange man. He said that no man needed much, and so he did not live in a house but slept in a barrel, which he rolled about from place to place. He spent his days sitting in the sun and saying wise things to those who were around him.
When Alexander the Great came to that town he went to see the wise man. He found Diogenes outside the town lying on the ground by his barrel. He was enjoying the sun.
When he saw the king he sat up and looked at Alexander. Alexander greeted him and said:
"Diogenes, I have heard a great deal about you. Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," said Diogenes, "you can step aside a little so as not to keep the sunshine from me."
The king was very much surprised. But this answer did not make him angry. He turned to his officers with the following words:
"Say what you like, but if I were not Alexander, I should like to be Diogenes."
Don't steal my sunshine and I won't go scorched earth on you or rain on your parade.
It is that simple.
see: http://www.slate.com/id/2090083/
I do believe in the goodness of people...I love, enjoy, admire those close to me...but for those outside the pack? Sure,I am civil...it's hard to make friends walking around giving people the middle finger and cursing them-but I don't go out of my way to be nice-it's dishonest. That overarching, artificial sweetness comes not from how you have made that person feel, but your sense of superiority "I am a better person because..."
I believe people are motivated ultimately by the primal. Sure we have the ability to reason, we are homo sapien sapiens...and I thank the sweet baby jesus everyday because if it weren't for fear of prison or divine retribution or the need for man to feel himself better than the animals I'd have been stabbbed in the neck YEARS ago. Someone would have taken me out. Seriously.
People fear the law, jesus, or being viewed as an other/bad. People fear lonliness so they mirror those around them, they swallow up the politically correct kool-aid...do what it takes to be taken in by the pack.
And sure, I take part in the superficial decency of our human choreography-but to those close to me, I rarely sugarcoat or coddle and don't expect anyone else to. I don't live in a bubble, so I don't fear anyone bursting it. I don't knowingly make promises I can't keep. I won't tell you want to hear so we can put an issue to bed.
I am a firm subscriber to the greek school of Cynicism. The original cynics were critical of the dishonesty and excesses of their modern society. The word Cynic actuall comes from the Greek word for dog. They believed that dogs were of the most honorable of creatures, taking what they need and ignoring the rest. One of my favorite stories that came from that period is this:
There lived a wise man in ancient Greece whose name was Diogenes. Men came from all parts of the land to see him and talk to him.
Diogenes was a strange man. He said that no man needed much, and so he did not live in a house but slept in a barrel, which he rolled about from place to place. He spent his days sitting in the sun and saying wise things to those who were around him.
When Alexander the Great came to that town he went to see the wise man. He found Diogenes outside the town lying on the ground by his barrel. He was enjoying the sun.
When he saw the king he sat up and looked at Alexander. Alexander greeted him and said:
"Diogenes, I have heard a great deal about you. Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," said Diogenes, "you can step aside a little so as not to keep the sunshine from me."
The king was very much surprised. But this answer did not make him angry. He turned to his officers with the following words:
"Say what you like, but if I were not Alexander, I should like to be Diogenes."
Don't steal my sunshine and I won't go scorched earth on you or rain on your parade.
It is that simple.
Douchebag Manifesto
It is true...as time passes I move further away from the young woman I was-and closer towards the douchebag I seem destined to be...
I don't know how it happened...when it started...I remember passing out in an airport after a long night of infidelity ( on my part) and rock 'n' roll (on his part)...only to find myself facing the man who loved me...I choked through jokes, still drunk, sitting on my suitecase in my roommate's dress...
Or maybe it was when I started moving between Italy and California often...The different languages allowed me distance between lovers and friends...I began having different lives that ran parallel and never crossed...
Though maybe it was when I began working in the restaurant industry full time...restaurants/bars being sexually charged places and I was in a loving but passionless union-where eventually I strayed.
Maybe that is the key...After six years, I haven't found a partner in anyone else, haven't really cared to...that said, I have sought out passion, the primal...and I have found it...So emotionally I have been shut-off but sexually my dial has been turned to eleven.
Sleeping with someone else's husband? It is the perfect paradigm. He will never leave her and so I am safe from ever having to feel or deal with his feelings. As jaded and as twisted as it sounds-it makes perfect sense...and now that I am no longer working with him, I don't have to worry about her finding out.
But I worry about what this means for the future...I mean, am I capable of bringing emotion back into the bedroom? Back into my life? Will I able to be happily monogamous or only begrudgingly so...Am I just damaged goods at this point?
I don't worry about being alone, because luckily I have good people in my life, and I get the affection/nurturing I need...but everything has been so compartmentalized for so long, I don't know how to bring all the pieces together, or even sure that it is necessary I do so...
So I am a douchebag
And I do douchey things...I can admit here, to inviting two guys to the same event, one who I liked, one who I considered a friend w/benefits. I invited the booty call guy to ensure I wouldn't sleep with the guy I liked. God forbid I have feelings for someone I sleep with.
And I could go one, but I don't think anyone would want me to...as good as it would feel to confess...it would be a selfish act on my part- and since I recognize blogs are already narcissistic-why fall into the pond and drown you all in the twisted details...
So yeah...who thinks that I should endure female circumcision, be chained to a wall and be subject to severe and vigorous therapy?
But if all else fails, there is always the fail-safe...a cocktail and a good pounding...
I don't know how it happened...when it started...I remember passing out in an airport after a long night of infidelity ( on my part) and rock 'n' roll (on his part)...only to find myself facing the man who loved me...I choked through jokes, still drunk, sitting on my suitecase in my roommate's dress...
Or maybe it was when I started moving between Italy and California often...The different languages allowed me distance between lovers and friends...I began having different lives that ran parallel and never crossed...
Though maybe it was when I began working in the restaurant industry full time...restaurants/bars being sexually charged places and I was in a loving but passionless union-where eventually I strayed.
Maybe that is the key...After six years, I haven't found a partner in anyone else, haven't really cared to...that said, I have sought out passion, the primal...and I have found it...So emotionally I have been shut-off but sexually my dial has been turned to eleven.
Sleeping with someone else's husband? It is the perfect paradigm. He will never leave her and so I am safe from ever having to feel or deal with his feelings. As jaded and as twisted as it sounds-it makes perfect sense...and now that I am no longer working with him, I don't have to worry about her finding out.
But I worry about what this means for the future...I mean, am I capable of bringing emotion back into the bedroom? Back into my life? Will I able to be happily monogamous or only begrudgingly so...Am I just damaged goods at this point?
I don't worry about being alone, because luckily I have good people in my life, and I get the affection/nurturing I need...but everything has been so compartmentalized for so long, I don't know how to bring all the pieces together, or even sure that it is necessary I do so...
So I am a douchebag
And I do douchey things...I can admit here, to inviting two guys to the same event, one who I liked, one who I considered a friend w/benefits. I invited the booty call guy to ensure I wouldn't sleep with the guy I liked. God forbid I have feelings for someone I sleep with.
And I could go one, but I don't think anyone would want me to...as good as it would feel to confess...it would be a selfish act on my part- and since I recognize blogs are already narcissistic-why fall into the pond and drown you all in the twisted details...
So yeah...who thinks that I should endure female circumcision, be chained to a wall and be subject to severe and vigorous therapy?
But if all else fails, there is always the fail-safe...a cocktail and a good pounding...
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