and I was wrong

So I have this problem where I think that rules don't apply to me... mostly because often I come to the table without them in ..It is partly hubris, partly nihilist and generally a whole lotta stupid...stuck between a cock and a selfish place...or packed up and on the road....running running running...This is where I find myself now.

I fucked up. Masterfully.Somehow I talked myself into thinking that sleeping with someone else's husband wasn't a problem, that it was sex, just sex...that I meant nothing to him and him to me...that my relationship with him was honest raw real...And maybe it is. Fuck. I don't know anymore.

He has come to me vulnerable lately and it hit me that I wasn't just some fuck buddy to him, that I have a place in his life, that I fulfill something not fulfilled by his marriage. I think that he loves his wife and is happy in his marriage-overall...but there is a part of him that craves freedom and I represent that. I ramble. He made a decision years ago that his wife was worth standing still for. When I was in the situation to make the same decision-I chose the road. Part of me laments the loss of a great love-but damn, I love motion...and I have collected an interesting stable of horses along the way.. The sex between us was collateral...I think he can rationalize sex outside his relationship but not a relationship outside his relationship. He needs something that is just his and doesn't understand what that means or how to get in another way, so he takes it, selfishly.

And he hit the motherlode with me. We met at the most perfect time. I was broken, emotionally incapable of anything substantial, horny and a million miles away from anywhere or anyone I could call home...and he was perfect, born and bred in the east bay...funny, familiar...he was what I craved...sexy, strong the archetypal alpha...and I liked to sit back and watch...enjoy him for what he was, I required nothing of him...he could be who he wanted with me-I wasn't his wife or family...there were no expectations. I told him I didn't care if everything he told me was a lie, that within lies there is truth...That he could play this game however he wanted, that I was there when he needed me and gone when he didnt...It was sex, it was a power exchange...it was hot hot hot.

And I meant it.I never thought his interest in me was beyond the fact I was low hanging fruit...I had always assumed he had a harem of women...but he doesn't. There is his wife and his sancha...that's it. Currently sex isn't even possible between us, it has been about 6 months...but we are in constant contact

...Sigh.

I don't know what to do or this is even a real situation. He may feel nothing. I may be misreading his cues. But looking back, it seems as if I completely misjudged the game...that said, I have spent so much time not feeling anything for him, I don't think I can...and I should...at this point I have to take some responibility for him emotionally and figure out what is the safest next step. I just feel anxiety

......fuck.