Enough.

I have little need for morality, it clashes with my hedonism.

I had never thought much about the lives of married people...who they were, what they did, if I would ever be one of them or with one of them...I never much thought about the tenuous filament that binds a couple to the institution of marriage and to each other...or how it all works...Marriage, always seemed to me, an artificial sense of legitimacy-diamonds and satin, a church full of people or a piece of paper can't strengthen what is weak or make love any more important than it already is...It has never been anything I craved or felt necessary.

I still don't.

But lately,I have noticed that marriage is a national obsession. It seems like everyday there is another celebrity wedding-or divorce, Beyonce telling us that he needs to "put a ring on it"..."Bridezillas".."Engaged and Underage"...It is insane.

Then, the flipside of that, is our obsession with infidelity...I snuggled up with some tea and primetime tonight, and there were plot lines about men cheating and women cheating and not knowing who the father was...

Ugh.

And, of course, the elephant in the room for me, is my relationship to Mr. Vegas...People who knew or more accurately-suspected-have given me their perspectives about marriage...people who I never thought even had a strong opinion either way, came out strongly, on one side or the other.And with him...sigh...In Vegas, he was my home away from home. From his sense of humor, to his body language...to the stories he told...I was instantly comfortable...I didn't get nervous around him until I realized where it was all headed...How was I to know? The first time we met-he was with his wife...and within 8 months he was in my bed...and now...fuck...he is in the desert and I am here...but we are in constant contact...we talk about basketball, politics, what he and his wife did over the weekend...there is a closeness there that is odd.

I am used to unconventional friendships...but this one makes me nervous. Maybe it is some lingering sense of morality...

I have little need for morality. It clashes with my nihilism