An affair to dismember

It is amazing how it all starts to bleed together...the little apartment in Via Somalia...Thunderstorm symphonies in Memphis...election night in Vegas...whiskey drunk and stumbling through the sunset...Different cities, different languages-both spoken and of the body, different friends and lovers...

Lives that run parallel but never cross.

And I, for all intents and purposes, have lost control of the wheel...because when I jump, I jump off...fearlessly, feet first...try what and whoever on for size. I like a puzzle, a good story...lips...conversation that goes on without breath...being able to feel someone as they enter the room..verve...long sweaty afternoons...art installations...music music music...
And for those of you reading this, YOU...friends and fellow travellers-you are the tread in my wheels...you may not stop me from rolling, but you keep me from spinning out on the shoulder.
But as I sit here, a zillion miles away from some and in bed next to others, I have some decisions to make about the decisions I have made and it starts now.

Phase one is difficult because it involves the Wild Irish Rogue...

I came back to the City a hurricane and he was recovering from a Tsunami...That said, it should have been easy...we should have been the friends that we both needed...or maybe it was that 'need' that created the tension...Now, I am not one for expectations, but I was blindsided.
My impressions of him were completely connected to another person...so to divide him from her and fast forward a decade-brought this completely different person into my life...He was as complex as he was simple, as charismatic as he was cocky and a goodtime all around.

But he was reticent and he was hurting...and the last way to get an answer from him was to ask a question..he was guarded and I think suspicious of me because I was a female-and was somehow there to steal his soul...but I wasn't looking for a soulmate-just a playmate...someone to chase fog with...drink wine and talk music and books..and maybe, just maybe...get tangled up in the wee hours...because most things, like people, seem a little less broken in the dark...

And I wasn't sure what his picture looked like without me in it. I don't know if he was dating or if he passed his free time alone...that was his life, his business...but I did worry about him. He was good people and fragile, I sensed. I felt like he was self-isolating so I ambushed him a couple times...I think he saw it as me wanting more than he was willing to give...but I just wanted him to know I was a safe a place to turn...but I am MUCH better at fucking things up than maintaining them.

Regardless...I gave it a shot..(and a took a few shots as well)

And that door isn't closed completely. If he needed someone to be there, I would...but I am not a monster or a whore and didn't like feeling one...I am not good at being passive, which is what I would have to do to maintain the friendship...I felt when I took issue, he put it all on me...or I needed to operate within his delicate framework-which, I guess is what people do when they date-but we weren't dating...which again, spoke to the problem, I am not sure if he knew where to put me. I am pretty raw and tomboyish-but still a girl...most guys get confused-can't see the kitten inside the lion. I just wanted to say 'Baby, it ain't your heartstrings I've been tugging at'

All good things to end in lieu of good things to come