I don't know what drudged up your ghosts or necessarily which ghosts they were...and I don't know the person you were then either...but I know you now...atleast in parts...the roughneck,the little girl...the dreamer, the asshole...I know you well enough to know that sometimes you are your own eclipse,standing between the light and your world-casting only shadows...and from where I stand, looking through a pinhole in a cardboard box-I can see your outline and imagine much of what lives in the middle.

and these ghosts that haunt you, this blood on your hands...they are just rings in your tree...because as much as we joke about you being the devil himself...you are as about as human as they come... passionate and good...selfish and numb...which has been bittersweet for me...you are like an Indian fig...difficult to reach, dangerous to touch-but delicate and sweet on the inside.( and they can save your life if you are lost in the desert)

I am sorry that you are hurting...wish I could do more to help...
but if you believe that God is a bearded chess player then he has to hae an opponent...you can't play chess alone...and if his opponent is Satan, who was his favorite angel before falling from grace...then you kinda have to accept that they are in stalemate....cuz eternity is a long time for a single game of chess...both sides having lost the same amount of pieces, having made the same amount moves...and maybe you have been lost somewhere in the middle...the rook takes a pawn...a pawn takes the bishop...or maybe they are constantly winning and losing the matches, but neither one can break the tie...

You aren't alone, baby. we are all out in the thick of it, making it up as we go along...just take away what you can, and wait for a rematch...maybe this time you will stay on the board.

and I am here. and I love you, unconditionally...you have changed the way I see so many things, myself included...and as twisted as things are, I wouldn't trade you for anything, not even some magic beans (: and you aren't an easy road to travel and it hurts sometimes, and not in a good way...but I feel better knowing that you can call me- I think you need someone outside your life that you can talk to, and isn't afraid to call you out on your bullshit.

queen takes king...checkmate?

Dear J letter

You...cocky, selfish, sexy, funny funny funny...my sometimes friend, sometimes lover-though generally not at the same time or in the same state...I love you, I despise you,I crave you, I curse you, I want to fuck you or kill you depending on the phase of the moon...

You,just you...

And by the time you read this, you will be almost within earshot and as far away as if you were still in Vegas...and it has tore me up inside trying to renconcile that this week...

I know my place. I knew from day one there were rules and limitations-welcomed them...but now I am confused... I trust you as a friend...my heart is in it-I let you in between my ears-not just between my legs..something I never planned on doing-and I am still not sure why...I fucking KNOW better...my friends, true friends, mean so much to me...they are my family, my core...my home wherever I am...and you, you are...what you are...and you are wonderful, flawed, twisted, vulnerable...a husband, a bastard, the best and the worst of what is out there...and standing back, before we were even close...I would just watch, smile as you moved through a room, different stories... making everyone laugh...and I would watch as you sized people up...I recognized that in you early on, that we were similar in that way...that we had our eyes on the corners, always on the hustle...keeping the soft bits safe...

Oh, and those soft bits, and the tough parts...the chewy bits and the parts that melt in my mouth...what a wild ride it has been...from that first night you showed up at my apt...and, I,drunk and nervous and not knowing where it was all headed...continued to drink wine straight from a bottle, naked in my kitchen...and so it was...wednesday night masturbation...election night ass fucking...lotsa n lotsa phonecam...Atlanta...where I guess you could say, for the first time, we really got naked...and the last time we were together, I was on my knees looking up at you, and you smacked me...but the way you looked down at me-it was different...I'd crossed through the 4th wall, I wasn't just some fuck and neither one of us could fake that anymore...

And I guess I have been lashing out at you...partly out of genuine frustration...and partly because I feel out of control. I am not sure what to do or where to put you...I don't like the fact that we are friends but there are still rules...as your whore-fine, I get it Daddy, fuck me spit on me-I don't care...this is your game to play...but it isn't just a game anymore for me...and you aren't just my friend, and you aren't my boyfriend...you aren't even just the average friend with benefits...there is nothing about us that I can wrap my head around anymore...and it makes me someone I don't recognize...I am not the girl to chase a man or cling to a man or throw tantrums...and I have been feeling elements of all of that lately...maybe because you are such an alpha-you bring out my beta...but pride, Daddy, good ol' hubris-makes that an impossible state for me to live in...almost as impossible as Nevada...

So where do we go from here? Do we walk away, cease all contact? You invited me to a party where you will be with your wife...do you think that would be comfortable for either of us? really? In my mind, I could do it...because-hell, what do I care? But if I were to be honest with myself, It would be difficult...because I am not a bad person, and knowing that I had slept with her her husband, I would probably feel guilty...

I liked you better before I liked you.


just. no.

Amicitiae nostrae memoriam spero sempiternam fore

music

redux

One thing in common

Chronicles of Roughneck and Gypsy...

I don't know what this is I am feeling, I just know I am a fucking mess...

I went to Atlanta thinking that V. would have to come to terms with what we had become, that I wasn't just some zipless fuck. It never occured to me that it would be a game changer for me, that I would have to face the fact I have some serious and conflicted feelings for this person...

And it was shocking...I haven't been able to access any real emotion about anything or anyone in a long time...and with V. I have kept the different facets of our relationship separate...I have kept all of my feelings close and between the lines...then in atlanta, we took a shower together and all of a sudden I looked at him and saw for the first time what was in front me...and it scared the shit out of me...Here was this soapy naked man kissing me, holding me...being...INTIMATE...which would be scary on its own...intimacy...but then add my own emotional nudity coupled with the screaming reality that this man is someone's husband...man...rude awakenings for all parties except for the ones in the dark...

So we tussled over morality for the rest of the trip...and talked laughed enjoyed each other...what I expected to be a sleazy lost weekend turned into us really connecting as people, clothes on...and I like him better that way-dressed and laughing...I like him for who he is and how he makes me feel and it feels reckless.

And I am sad, because I have to let him go...I don't know if we can truly be friends, or if I can accept friendship on his terms...in Atlanta, we couldn't take pictures together-because he didn't want any evidence that we were together...and that really hurt me...I never minded being his dirty little secret until now because the sexual part of our relationship is what we focused on-but as his friend, if that is now the focus, it hurts to be kept in the periphery.

And he introduced me to people from his company when we were in Atlanta...though he prefaced my presence as coincidental-what happens when one of them asks about me in front of his wife...she knows who I am-but as V.'s employee...and if she finds out I was in Atlanta and he didn't mention it? How is that going to look?

Speaking of his wife...he talked about their relationship in great detail and I felt it was disrespectful to her as well as to me...He was using her to put distance between us and it sucked. You can use words to communicate an idea, or they can be hurled like stones or in the case of V., he just dropped them between us, creating a wall...I just don't feel that expressing your undying love and devotion to your wife with the chick you have been fucking for the last year is kosher....like he needs to keep separate plates and sinks for that shit.

But I also get that he isn't good at articulating feelings, issues etc...and he also was dealing with some serious feelings of guilt and could express them with me, his friend...because that is how we have operated, the separate facets...etc...and intellectually, I am glad that I could be there-help him work through things...but fuck, what about me? I blame myself for acting like such a tough guy all the time, like things just roll off my back-cuz they don't. And he knows it, on some level...at dinner one night, he told his co-worker that : " she may act like a dude about stuff, but she can be a tenderfoot"...

Maybe that is the big question in all of this..."what about me?"

He has dragged his wife through hell and back....and she stands by him...he made life pretty difficult for me and I stand by him...I think he needs, needs alot and doesn't like it, sees it as weakness...and lashes out...I am sad for that.

ugh.

"I'm never sure when the truth won't doI'm pretty good on a lonely night,I move on the way a storm blows through,I never stay, but then again, I might,I struggle sometimes to find the words,always sure until I doubt,walk a line until it blurs,build walls too high to climb out,but I'm honest to a fault, it's just who I am,I'm better as a memory than as your man" -K. Chesney

Getting on a plane...

I am jumping. I am doing it. I want to see, touch, taste...FEEL...I need to know what is really happening...I hope I am wrong.