Friday, May 22, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Chronicles of Roughneck and Gypsy...
I don't know what this is I am feeling, I just know I am a fucking mess...
I went to Atlanta thinking that V. would have to come to terms with what we had become, that I wasn't just some zipless fuck. It never occured to me that it would be a game changer for me, that I would have to face the fact I have some serious and conflicted feelings for this person...
And it was shocking...I haven't been able to access any real emotion about anything or anyone in a long time...and with V. I have kept the different facets of our relationship separate...I have kept all of my feelings close and between the lines...then in atlanta, we took a shower together and all of a sudden I looked at him and saw for the first time what was in front me...and it scared the shit out of me...Here was this soapy naked man kissing me, holding me...being...INTIMATE...which would be scary on its own...intimacy...but then add my own emotional nudity coupled with the screaming reality that this man is someone's husband...man...rude awakenings for all parties except for the ones in the dark...
So we tussled over morality for the rest of the trip...and talked laughed enjoyed each other...what I expected to be a sleazy lost weekend turned into us really connecting as people, clothes on...and I like him better that way-dressed and laughing...I like him for who he is and how he makes me feel and it feels reckless.
And I am sad, because I have to let him go...I don't know if we can truly be friends, or if I can accept friendship on his terms...in Atlanta, we couldn't take pictures together-because he didn't want any evidence that we were together...and that really hurt me...I never minded being his dirty little secret until now because the sexual part of our relationship is what we focused on-but as his friend, if that is now the focus, it hurts to be kept in the periphery.
And he introduced me to people from his company when we were in Atlanta...though he prefaced my presence as coincidental-what happens when one of them asks about me in front of his wife...she knows who I am-but as V.'s employee...and if she finds out I was in Atlanta and he didn't mention it? How is that going to look?
Speaking of his wife...he talked about their relationship in great detail and I felt it was disrespectful to her as well as to me...He was using her to put distance between us and it sucked. You can use words to communicate an idea, or they can be hurled like stones or in the case of V., he just dropped them between us, creating a wall...I just don't feel that expressing your undying love and devotion to your wife with the chick you have been fucking for the last year is kosher....like he needs to keep separate plates and sinks for that shit.
But I also get that he isn't good at articulating feelings, issues etc...and he also was dealing with some serious feelings of guilt and could express them with me, his friend...because that is how we have operated, the separate facets...etc...and intellectually, I am glad that I could be there-help him work through things...but fuck, what about me? I blame myself for acting like such a tough guy all the time, like things just roll off my back-cuz they don't. And he knows it, on some level...at dinner one night, he told his co-worker that : " she may act like a dude about stuff, but she can be a tenderfoot"...
Maybe that is the big question in all of this..."what about me?"
He has dragged his wife through hell and back....and she stands by him...he made life pretty difficult for me and I stand by him...I think he needs, needs alot and doesn't like it, sees it as weakness...and lashes out...I am sad for that.
ugh.
"I'm never sure when the truth won't doI'm pretty good on a lonely night,I move on the way a storm blows through,I never stay, but then again, I might,I struggle sometimes to find the words,always sure until I doubt,walk a line until it blurs,build walls too high to climb out,but I'm honest to a fault, it's just who I am,I'm better as a memory than as your man" -K. Chesney
I went to Atlanta thinking that V. would have to come to terms with what we had become, that I wasn't just some zipless fuck. It never occured to me that it would be a game changer for me, that I would have to face the fact I have some serious and conflicted feelings for this person...
And it was shocking...I haven't been able to access any real emotion about anything or anyone in a long time...and with V. I have kept the different facets of our relationship separate...I have kept all of my feelings close and between the lines...then in atlanta, we took a shower together and all of a sudden I looked at him and saw for the first time what was in front me...and it scared the shit out of me...Here was this soapy naked man kissing me, holding me...being...INTIMATE...which would be scary on its own...intimacy...but then add my own emotional nudity coupled with the screaming reality that this man is someone's husband...man...rude awakenings for all parties except for the ones in the dark...
So we tussled over morality for the rest of the trip...and talked laughed enjoyed each other...what I expected to be a sleazy lost weekend turned into us really connecting as people, clothes on...and I like him better that way-dressed and laughing...I like him for who he is and how he makes me feel and it feels reckless.
And I am sad, because I have to let him go...I don't know if we can truly be friends, or if I can accept friendship on his terms...in Atlanta, we couldn't take pictures together-because he didn't want any evidence that we were together...and that really hurt me...I never minded being his dirty little secret until now because the sexual part of our relationship is what we focused on-but as his friend, if that is now the focus, it hurts to be kept in the periphery.
And he introduced me to people from his company when we were in Atlanta...though he prefaced my presence as coincidental-what happens when one of them asks about me in front of his wife...she knows who I am-but as V.'s employee...and if she finds out I was in Atlanta and he didn't mention it? How is that going to look?
Speaking of his wife...he talked about their relationship in great detail and I felt it was disrespectful to her as well as to me...He was using her to put distance between us and it sucked. You can use words to communicate an idea, or they can be hurled like stones or in the case of V., he just dropped them between us, creating a wall...I just don't feel that expressing your undying love and devotion to your wife with the chick you have been fucking for the last year is kosher....like he needs to keep separate plates and sinks for that shit.
But I also get that he isn't good at articulating feelings, issues etc...and he also was dealing with some serious feelings of guilt and could express them with me, his friend...because that is how we have operated, the separate facets...etc...and intellectually, I am glad that I could be there-help him work through things...but fuck, what about me? I blame myself for acting like such a tough guy all the time, like things just roll off my back-cuz they don't. And he knows it, on some level...at dinner one night, he told his co-worker that : " she may act like a dude about stuff, but she can be a tenderfoot"...
Maybe that is the big question in all of this..."what about me?"
He has dragged his wife through hell and back....and she stands by him...he made life pretty difficult for me and I stand by him...I think he needs, needs alot and doesn't like it, sees it as weakness...and lashes out...I am sad for that.
ugh.
"I'm never sure when the truth won't doI'm pretty good on a lonely night,I move on the way a storm blows through,I never stay, but then again, I might,I struggle sometimes to find the words,always sure until I doubt,walk a line until it blurs,build walls too high to climb out,but I'm honest to a fault, it's just who I am,I'm better as a memory than as your man" -K. Chesney
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Getting on a plane...
I am jumping. I am doing it. I want to see, touch, taste...FEEL...I need to know what is really happening...I hope I am wrong.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
and I was wrong
So I have this problem where I think that rules don't apply to me... mostly because often I come to the table without them in ..It is partly hubris, partly nihilist and generally a whole lotta stupid...stuck between a cock and a selfish place...or packed up and on the road....running running running...This is where I find myself now.
I fucked up. Masterfully.Somehow I talked myself into thinking that sleeping with someone else's husband wasn't a problem, that it was sex, just sex...that I meant nothing to him and him to me...that my relationship with him was honest raw real...And maybe it is. Fuck. I don't know anymore.
He has come to me vulnerable lately and it hit me that I wasn't just some fuck buddy to him, that I have a place in his life, that I fulfill something not fulfilled by his marriage. I think that he loves his wife and is happy in his marriage-overall...but there is a part of him that craves freedom and I represent that. I ramble. He made a decision years ago that his wife was worth standing still for. When I was in the situation to make the same decision-I chose the road. Part of me laments the loss of a great love-but damn, I love motion...and I have collected an interesting stable of horses along the way.. The sex between us was collateral...I think he can rationalize sex outside his relationship but not a relationship outside his relationship. He needs something that is just his and doesn't understand what that means or how to get in another way, so he takes it, selfishly.
And he hit the motherlode with me. We met at the most perfect time. I was broken, emotionally incapable of anything substantial, horny and a million miles away from anywhere or anyone I could call home...and he was perfect, born and bred in the east bay...funny, familiar...he was what I craved...sexy, strong the archetypal alpha...and I liked to sit back and watch...enjoy him for what he was, I required nothing of him...he could be who he wanted with me-I wasn't his wife or family...there were no expectations. I told him I didn't care if everything he told me was a lie, that within lies there is truth...That he could play this game however he wanted, that I was there when he needed me and gone when he didnt...It was sex, it was a power exchange...it was hot hot hot.
And I meant it.I never thought his interest in me was beyond the fact I was low hanging fruit...I had always assumed he had a harem of women...but he doesn't. There is his wife and his sancha...that's it. Currently sex isn't even possible between us, it has been about 6 months...but we are in constant contact
...Sigh.
I don't know what to do or this is even a real situation. He may feel nothing. I may be misreading his cues. But looking back, it seems as if I completely misjudged the game...that said, I have spent so much time not feeling anything for him, I don't think I can...and I should...at this point I have to take some responibility for him emotionally and figure out what is the safest next step. I just feel anxiety
......fuck.
I fucked up. Masterfully.Somehow I talked myself into thinking that sleeping with someone else's husband wasn't a problem, that it was sex, just sex...that I meant nothing to him and him to me...that my relationship with him was honest raw real...And maybe it is. Fuck. I don't know anymore.
He has come to me vulnerable lately and it hit me that I wasn't just some fuck buddy to him, that I have a place in his life, that I fulfill something not fulfilled by his marriage. I think that he loves his wife and is happy in his marriage-overall...but there is a part of him that craves freedom and I represent that. I ramble. He made a decision years ago that his wife was worth standing still for. When I was in the situation to make the same decision-I chose the road. Part of me laments the loss of a great love-but damn, I love motion...and I have collected an interesting stable of horses along the way.. The sex between us was collateral...I think he can rationalize sex outside his relationship but not a relationship outside his relationship. He needs something that is just his and doesn't understand what that means or how to get in another way, so he takes it, selfishly.
And he hit the motherlode with me. We met at the most perfect time. I was broken, emotionally incapable of anything substantial, horny and a million miles away from anywhere or anyone I could call home...and he was perfect, born and bred in the east bay...funny, familiar...he was what I craved...sexy, strong the archetypal alpha...and I liked to sit back and watch...enjoy him for what he was, I required nothing of him...he could be who he wanted with me-I wasn't his wife or family...there were no expectations. I told him I didn't care if everything he told me was a lie, that within lies there is truth...That he could play this game however he wanted, that I was there when he needed me and gone when he didnt...It was sex, it was a power exchange...it was hot hot hot.
And I meant it.I never thought his interest in me was beyond the fact I was low hanging fruit...I had always assumed he had a harem of women...but he doesn't. There is his wife and his sancha...that's it. Currently sex isn't even possible between us, it has been about 6 months...but we are in constant contact
...Sigh.
I don't know what to do or this is even a real situation. He may feel nothing. I may be misreading his cues. But looking back, it seems as if I completely misjudged the game...that said, I have spent so much time not feeling anything for him, I don't think I can...and I should...at this point I have to take some responibility for him emotionally and figure out what is the safest next step. I just feel anxiety
......fuck.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
In an alternate or parallel universe
If it is to be believed, that when posed with a fork in the road...one path we live in this universe, and the other path is fufilled in an alternate one, it is safe to assume that in the other world, I am a serial killer, that chokes out ignorant consumers with my bare hands.
I am not saying it is just...just that if you brow beat me over a plate of food or a cocktail, I have imagined draining the life out of your body...with a slow and painful chokehold.
when not plotting your death, I rescue kittens and read to orphans.
I am not saying it is just...just that if you brow beat me over a plate of food or a cocktail, I have imagined draining the life out of your body...with a slow and painful chokehold.
when not plotting your death, I rescue kittens and read to orphans.
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