and I was wrong

So I have this problem where I think that rules don't apply to me... mostly because often I come to the table without them in ..It is partly hubris, partly nihilist and generally a whole lotta stupid...stuck between a cock and a selfish place...or packed up and on the road....running running running...This is where I find myself now.

I fucked up. Masterfully.Somehow I talked myself into thinking that sleeping with someone else's husband wasn't a problem, that it was sex, just sex...that I meant nothing to him and him to me...that my relationship with him was honest raw real...And maybe it is. Fuck. I don't know anymore.

He has come to me vulnerable lately and it hit me that I wasn't just some fuck buddy to him, that I have a place in his life, that I fulfill something not fulfilled by his marriage. I think that he loves his wife and is happy in his marriage-overall...but there is a part of him that craves freedom and I represent that. I ramble. He made a decision years ago that his wife was worth standing still for. When I was in the situation to make the same decision-I chose the road. Part of me laments the loss of a great love-but damn, I love motion...and I have collected an interesting stable of horses along the way.. The sex between us was collateral...I think he can rationalize sex outside his relationship but not a relationship outside his relationship. He needs something that is just his and doesn't understand what that means or how to get in another way, so he takes it, selfishly.

And he hit the motherlode with me. We met at the most perfect time. I was broken, emotionally incapable of anything substantial, horny and a million miles away from anywhere or anyone I could call home...and he was perfect, born and bred in the east bay...funny, familiar...he was what I craved...sexy, strong the archetypal alpha...and I liked to sit back and watch...enjoy him for what he was, I required nothing of him...he could be who he wanted with me-I wasn't his wife or family...there were no expectations. I told him I didn't care if everything he told me was a lie, that within lies there is truth...That he could play this game however he wanted, that I was there when he needed me and gone when he didnt...It was sex, it was a power exchange...it was hot hot hot.

And I meant it.I never thought his interest in me was beyond the fact I was low hanging fruit...I had always assumed he had a harem of women...but he doesn't. There is his wife and his sancha...that's it. Currently sex isn't even possible between us, it has been about 6 months...but we are in constant contact

...Sigh.

I don't know what to do or this is even a real situation. He may feel nothing. I may be misreading his cues. But looking back, it seems as if I completely misjudged the game...that said, I have spent so much time not feeling anything for him, I don't think I can...and I should...at this point I have to take some responibility for him emotionally and figure out what is the safest next step. I just feel anxiety

......fuck.

In an alternate or parallel universe

If it is to be believed, that when posed with a fork in the road...one path we live in this universe, and the other path is fufilled in an alternate one, it is safe to assume that in the other world, I am a serial killer, that chokes out ignorant consumers with my bare hands.

I am not saying it is just...just that if you brow beat me over a plate of food or a cocktail, I have imagined draining the life out of your body...with a slow and painful chokehold.

when not plotting your death, I rescue kittens and read to orphans.

mea culpa

I apologize.

I apologize for being hurt and lashing out

.I apologize for being an asshole and not just letting you drift off, as you wished, in these months...constantly trying to get under your skin and force you to use your words. I don't like loose ends or feeling out of control. I really don't even know what my point was...it is like my first months in the bay never happened...I had to go back and re-read emails and blogs to connect with any urgency I felt about the "situation" between us.

That said, I really think you need to stop mixing up my flaws with your demons...You said that I shouldn't try to fit you in a box, that people didn't know how to take you etc, then you go and say that you don't feel like you can take me around certain people. Irish, you never wanted to. You wanted a partner in sleaze, you made that clear.After a polite dinner with your friends and the David Sedaris reading...you wanted to go get drugs and go back to your place...I asked you to come to Berkeley sometime on your day off-see the sun...you never responded...you said you wanted more drug friends...I fit the bill.

I was a fucking mess there for a few months...just broken.Drinking too much,lost..too much free time and not enough hope. I know I was a handful...everything felt so fragile...I obsessed over the smallest slight. I told you I was raw and apologized for being so blunt i.e " a cocktail and a hard pounding". You said that you were entertained by it, said I was on a roll...Now that I have a job and no free time, I am far too tired to try to find bacteria on the backs of fleas.

I can filter. I can adjust...I know who I am and how to temper it...I just didn't think I had to. I felt safe with you. I trusted you. Which is why it all got so confusing, those nights...you were intimate, intense, you would take...then draw the line...I just wanted to make it all better...I wasn't even sure what that meant. still don't.

That night, on ocean beach...it was magical for me. It was the first time in YEARS, I felt like I was in the right place and not in between places. That night made the bay home for me again...I thank you for that, if nothing else, regardless of what becomes of us-you gave me my home back...

I don't think what you said to Nadia was wrong as much as it was out of context...before it all became a cartoon, when we were in contact...we took turns freaking out...I struck some nerve with you...I don't know if it was because ultimately you didn't like me-which is fine...or that you did...and I,being female,somehow dislodged you from your orbit. I just wanted you to tell me. Not wish me away or tell Nadia, but to discuss your misgivings with me. I figured if I irritated you enough, you would. Not so much.

Whatever...it is was it was what it is. I throw the ball in your court and hope you will volley it back in time. Coffee perhaps. We have to figure something out. I would hate for you to skip out on her bday or whatever because I may be there...not that you would, but you get the point.oh, and I sent a copy of this to nadia, so when you get mad, she already has the script. since you won't talk to me.

This thing got away from me somehow

Today, like a wall tumbling down over me, I realized that my relationship with V. had gotten away from me...hanging there, just out of reach...my fingers, helplessly brushing against it, not able to get a grip on it...Fuck.

Since he and I met, about 18 months ago...he has never been anyone I took too seriously...We laughed, flirted, fucked and laughed some more. He had his life, I had mine...When I would try to conjure up a feeling or thought to describe him-I couldn't...I would just grow numb...And in the months since I have moved ... we have grown close in absentia...We are in constant contact...But the focus has shifted from sex to each other as people...and I believe that, because of the distance between us, we let our guards down.

And now, I...well...FEEL.

So today, I did what I always do when I am not sure how to deal with a situation-I tried to destroy it...but it didn't work...he said I am the only person he has been honest with in a long time etc...didn't understand why I felt that us becoming friends was a BAD thing...As if growing close to another female who you have sex with whenever possible while married HAS a positive.

And I am confused.

This isn't a situation where we would work as a couple and that he just happens to be married- not at all. If he were single, we would be partners in crime, but we wouldn't date each other-just be playmates while we continued to date other people...If he were single, I wouldn't care or feel the need to keep boundaries clearly drawn-because,more often than not,the boundaries in my relationships tend to blur...but he IS married and there is only so much even I can rationalize...

Now I am starting to question the whole situation...was the sex just a way to avoid intimacy? Have we just turned the sexual energy into personal interest? What are we REALLY doing? Is it as simple as it seems, or am I missing the big picture?

I just don't know how this happened. It wasn't supposed to be like this. He was supposed to be a fling, an scratch for an itch that could be easily discarded-and now I feel like we are tangled and tumbling down this dark path that I can't see the end to. Maybe we will be friends and it will be fine. Or maybe the weight of two people could ended up crushing one.

Sigh.

Enough.

I have little need for morality, it clashes with my hedonism.

I had never thought much about the lives of married people...who they were, what they did, if I would ever be one of them or with one of them...I never much thought about the tenuous filament that binds a couple to the institution of marriage and to each other...or how it all works...Marriage, always seemed to me, an artificial sense of legitimacy-diamonds and satin, a church full of people or a piece of paper can't strengthen what is weak or make love any more important than it already is...It has never been anything I craved or felt necessary.

I still don't.

But lately,I have noticed that marriage is a national obsession. It seems like everyday there is another celebrity wedding-or divorce, Beyonce telling us that he needs to "put a ring on it"..."Bridezillas".."Engaged and Underage"...It is insane.

Then, the flipside of that, is our obsession with infidelity...I snuggled up with some tea and primetime tonight, and there were plot lines about men cheating and women cheating and not knowing who the father was...

Ugh.

And, of course, the elephant in the room for me, is my relationship to Mr. Vegas...People who knew or more accurately-suspected-have given me their perspectives about marriage...people who I never thought even had a strong opinion either way, came out strongly, on one side or the other.And with him...sigh...In Vegas, he was my home away from home. From his sense of humor, to his body language...to the stories he told...I was instantly comfortable...I didn't get nervous around him until I realized where it was all headed...How was I to know? The first time we met-he was with his wife...and within 8 months he was in my bed...and now...fuck...he is in the desert and I am here...but we are in constant contact...we talk about basketball, politics, what he and his wife did over the weekend...there is a closeness there that is odd.

I am used to unconventional friendships...but this one makes me nervous. Maybe it is some lingering sense of morality...

I have little need for morality. It clashes with my nihilism

christmas 08

An affair to dismember

It is amazing how it all starts to bleed together...the little apartment in Via Somalia...Thunderstorm symphonies in Memphis...election night in Vegas...whiskey drunk and stumbling through the sunset...Different cities, different languages-both spoken and of the body, different friends and lovers...

Lives that run parallel but never cross.

And I, for all intents and purposes, have lost control of the wheel...because when I jump, I jump off...fearlessly, feet first...try what and whoever on for size. I like a puzzle, a good story...lips...conversation that goes on without breath...being able to feel someone as they enter the room..verve...long sweaty afternoons...art installations...music music music...
And for those of you reading this, YOU...friends and fellow travellers-you are the tread in my wheels...you may not stop me from rolling, but you keep me from spinning out on the shoulder.
But as I sit here, a zillion miles away from some and in bed next to others, I have some decisions to make about the decisions I have made and it starts now.

Phase one is difficult because it involves the Wild Irish Rogue...

I came back to the City a hurricane and he was recovering from a Tsunami...That said, it should have been easy...we should have been the friends that we both needed...or maybe it was that 'need' that created the tension...Now, I am not one for expectations, but I was blindsided.
My impressions of him were completely connected to another person...so to divide him from her and fast forward a decade-brought this completely different person into my life...He was as complex as he was simple, as charismatic as he was cocky and a goodtime all around.

But he was reticent and he was hurting...and the last way to get an answer from him was to ask a question..he was guarded and I think suspicious of me because I was a female-and was somehow there to steal his soul...but I wasn't looking for a soulmate-just a playmate...someone to chase fog with...drink wine and talk music and books..and maybe, just maybe...get tangled up in the wee hours...because most things, like people, seem a little less broken in the dark...

And I wasn't sure what his picture looked like without me in it. I don't know if he was dating or if he passed his free time alone...that was his life, his business...but I did worry about him. He was good people and fragile, I sensed. I felt like he was self-isolating so I ambushed him a couple times...I think he saw it as me wanting more than he was willing to give...but I just wanted him to know I was a safe a place to turn...but I am MUCH better at fucking things up than maintaining them.

Regardless...I gave it a shot..(and a took a few shots as well)

And that door isn't closed completely. If he needed someone to be there, I would...but I am not a monster or a whore and didn't like feeling one...I am not good at being passive, which is what I would have to do to maintain the friendship...I felt when I took issue, he put it all on me...or I needed to operate within his delicate framework-which, I guess is what people do when they date-but we weren't dating...which again, spoke to the problem, I am not sure if he knew where to put me. I am pretty raw and tomboyish-but still a girl...most guys get confused-can't see the kitten inside the lion. I just wanted to say 'Baby, it ain't your heartstrings I've been tugging at'

All good things to end in lieu of good things to come