bruciano
i miei ponti ,
le città
gli stranieri,passegeri
sono stesi insieme
2 lingue diverse
parole,come dita
toccano le labbra
in un atto di possesso
tu,
una lotta,
tu,come il mondo, girando
binario 11,
il treno è partito
la pioggia
un vestito ho indossata
tu una satellite,
nudo,
una mappa dell'universo
il tuo corpo, steso davanti a me
Italia,
un schiena storta
di pietre lisce e deformi
un scheletro di terra
che si muove sotto il mare
e tu,
come il tuo paese,
corrotto, sensuale, in fiore,
eri poco più di un espressione geografica,
ti ho preso
tra le mie mani
esplorando
America,
una bocca spalancata,
di carne e campi
mille lingue che si muovano tra i denti
io, come il mio paese,
promiscua, impulsiva,isolata,
ero esperta dell'arte della guerra
ero incallita
mi hai rotto
uomo-bambino, tempesta
con gli occhi chiusi
mi hai detto you said"balla sopra di me"
ed io,
mi sono mossa, alla musica, su di te over
lentamente,memorizzando la tua musica,
campi zingari, l'odore della tua pelle
La periferia stendendo nelle tue braccia
stavo
svegliando dragoni che dormivano nascosti nelle facciate dei palazzi
ti stavo consumando e mi consumava
perchè
L'amore può in una vita
construirti
castelli di sabbia
case di carte
una vera casa... ma
La passione può
in un momento
bruciarti e bruciare tutto
fino al suolo
consumandoti,respirandoti,toccandoti
sotto le pelle
mentre
parole come dita
toccavano le labbra
in un atto di possesso (sapendo che non avrei mai potuto e era come tutti i miei pontibruciavano trane quello che ti portava via...)
i ragazzini lasciano senza pensare ciò che gli uomini cercano per tutta la vita...
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Thursday, July 29, 2010
I Can't Stop You
I can't stop you,from hurting you or anyone else, never have been or could. I know that the best I can do is be there when you need me, to sort through the fall-out or to somehow cushion your fall...(I am soft...but you know that (;)
But when you were talking about the new girl, and how you were " on a high"...it got me looking back at some other conversations that we have had or things that even we have gone through together...
I think you have felt that high to some degree with many of the girls you have tangled with...the major difference with this girl probably is less about her ( because it has only been a short while) and more about the fact for the first time in over a decade-you can feel close to someone and not feel guilty...I mean you talked about the girl you had the emotional affair with at the Rio...you told me that there was something between you and Sam, but you were married...God, you and I went through it last summer/fall...the fresno trip leading into my stay at the Silverton...you said before I came out and stayed at the Silverton you were "excited like your girlfriend was coming to see you at college" and quickly said you couldn't have that in your life. And I am sure there was some moment like that with the girl you were seeing up until recently-but she came into your life before Mel moved out-so maybe on some level that twisted things in your mind...they may all feel different, but they come from the same place. like coke feels different than smack, but they are both bad for you.
I think the high comes from your need to be needed. You need to be needed and then when someone's need for you becomes too much you leave, act out, cheat...but you have to have that in your life. You need the picture complete. House, dog, truck, job, woman aka "country song"...
and I stand by what I say, if you don't take time, every woman you meet is m, because you build a life with them and then lament the freedom you don't have. If you have tricked yourself into believing the "right girl" will tame you...well, then you are a bigger dickbag than I thought. Until you explore you, YOU,not you in reference to another person-you will keep on living out the same patterns. Like I said last night, two people who just came out of marriages, one who cheated and one who was cheated on...find themselves falling in love? Um, are you fucking serious? I am sure she is pretty shiny new package, but essentially very comfortable for you...because she is attracted to men who cheat. One cheater? statistically that could happen. The next guy she falls for is a cheater? You don't need a psych degree to crack that code.
And you are stuck in your patterns as well... when you were in your marriage, we were in constant contact-I gave you that rush that you needed...when you had the freedom to find that attention elsewhere-you did, but even though your relationships with the other girls are different than how we have ever been-your pattern is the same. It cracked me up when you talked about waking up and texting her, then calling in the afternoon...I thought to myself, " He doesn't even realize that he is keeping the same damn pattern-thats how he was with me"...
And who knows. I could be wrong. Fuck, for your sake, I hope I am...I just want you to stop being so scared of you. I think I know you better than just about anyone, and I see so much good in you. I see this genuine, funny, sexy, silly, VULNERABLE boy who is so caught up in being the ideal man that he keeps fucking it up. You tell me to let you just live out your path, but fuck ,you won't allow yourself the freedom to just find what feels natural...you determine your path by what feels normal, or what you think looks good from the outside...that isn't what's natural...we talked so much about the things you would do if you were single when you were still with M...from taking a motorcycle and disappearing for awhile to going up to alaska...and though I don't advocate that you abandon responsibility and go off the grid...you do have vacation time-and you should take it...YOU, alone, not with some girl-I don't care how crushed out you are.
And that bullshit last night, where you said " I will just tell her I am a waste of HER time" WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF LIFETIME ORIGINAL MOVIE SOAP OPERA SHIT IS THAT? seriously? Either you have no self-esteem or you are trying to illicit some response from her. either way it is gross and you are bigger than that. and if you aren't? then you will be a waste of everyone's time, including your own until you are bigger than that.
Look at it this way...the part of you that is emotionally connected to me, dare I say NEEDS me, is the part of you that needs more than what you are comfortable with...that exists outside the country song, is restless...and I am a safe place because I don't give a fuck about all the bullshit, I just see YOU...I mean, who did you call last night when you were feeling down? Me...so if you want me out of your life, you got get right with you. Otherwise, you will forever be the booger I can't off my finger, and I will always be there, reminding you of those parts you are neglecting...
And love, true love...comes from time and weathering someone...what you feel after a month is all oxytocin ( it is them chemical we release when we touch each other...it leads to bonding...so if you touch someone alot...the chemical bond deepens)...and that love never is as shiny or feels as intense as that dreamy early period...but don't let yourself fall into a situation that you aren't ready for.
I look forward to the next time we meet. Just make sure you bring peanutbutter cups.
But when you were talking about the new girl, and how you were " on a high"...it got me looking back at some other conversations that we have had or things that even we have gone through together...
I think you have felt that high to some degree with many of the girls you have tangled with...the major difference with this girl probably is less about her ( because it has only been a short while) and more about the fact for the first time in over a decade-you can feel close to someone and not feel guilty...I mean you talked about the girl you had the emotional affair with at the Rio...you told me that there was something between you and Sam, but you were married...God, you and I went through it last summer/fall...the fresno trip leading into my stay at the Silverton...you said before I came out and stayed at the Silverton you were "excited like your girlfriend was coming to see you at college" and quickly said you couldn't have that in your life. And I am sure there was some moment like that with the girl you were seeing up until recently-but she came into your life before Mel moved out-so maybe on some level that twisted things in your mind...they may all feel different, but they come from the same place. like coke feels different than smack, but they are both bad for you.
I think the high comes from your need to be needed. You need to be needed and then when someone's need for you becomes too much you leave, act out, cheat...but you have to have that in your life. You need the picture complete. House, dog, truck, job, woman aka "country song"...
and I stand by what I say, if you don't take time, every woman you meet is m, because you build a life with them and then lament the freedom you don't have. If you have tricked yourself into believing the "right girl" will tame you...well, then you are a bigger dickbag than I thought. Until you explore you, YOU,not you in reference to another person-you will keep on living out the same patterns. Like I said last night, two people who just came out of marriages, one who cheated and one who was cheated on...find themselves falling in love? Um, are you fucking serious? I am sure she is pretty shiny new package, but essentially very comfortable for you...because she is attracted to men who cheat. One cheater? statistically that could happen. The next guy she falls for is a cheater? You don't need a psych degree to crack that code.
And you are stuck in your patterns as well... when you were in your marriage, we were in constant contact-I gave you that rush that you needed...when you had the freedom to find that attention elsewhere-you did, but even though your relationships with the other girls are different than how we have ever been-your pattern is the same. It cracked me up when you talked about waking up and texting her, then calling in the afternoon...I thought to myself, " He doesn't even realize that he is keeping the same damn pattern-thats how he was with me"...
And who knows. I could be wrong. Fuck, for your sake, I hope I am...I just want you to stop being so scared of you. I think I know you better than just about anyone, and I see so much good in you. I see this genuine, funny, sexy, silly, VULNERABLE boy who is so caught up in being the ideal man that he keeps fucking it up. You tell me to let you just live out your path, but fuck ,you won't allow yourself the freedom to just find what feels natural...you determine your path by what feels normal, or what you think looks good from the outside...that isn't what's natural...we talked so much about the things you would do if you were single when you were still with M...from taking a motorcycle and disappearing for awhile to going up to alaska...and though I don't advocate that you abandon responsibility and go off the grid...you do have vacation time-and you should take it...YOU, alone, not with some girl-I don't care how crushed out you are.
And that bullshit last night, where you said " I will just tell her I am a waste of HER time" WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF LIFETIME ORIGINAL MOVIE SOAP OPERA SHIT IS THAT? seriously? Either you have no self-esteem or you are trying to illicit some response from her. either way it is gross and you are bigger than that. and if you aren't? then you will be a waste of everyone's time, including your own until you are bigger than that.
Look at it this way...the part of you that is emotionally connected to me, dare I say NEEDS me, is the part of you that needs more than what you are comfortable with...that exists outside the country song, is restless...and I am a safe place because I don't give a fuck about all the bullshit, I just see YOU...I mean, who did you call last night when you were feeling down? Me...so if you want me out of your life, you got get right with you. Otherwise, you will forever be the booger I can't off my finger, and I will always be there, reminding you of those parts you are neglecting...
And love, true love...comes from time and weathering someone...what you feel after a month is all oxytocin ( it is them chemical we release when we touch each other...it leads to bonding...so if you touch someone alot...the chemical bond deepens)...and that love never is as shiny or feels as intense as that dreamy early period...but don't let yourself fall into a situation that you aren't ready for.
I look forward to the next time we meet. Just make sure you bring peanutbutter cups.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
my black swan stares down 30
So you are, for all intents and purposes-30. You are entering a new decade and a new phase in your life-you belong to you, for the first time, really-and you have already expressed both fear and relief...Happy Birthday,Daddy....
But I want you to remember, there is a difference between where you have been, what you have done, who you are and who you will be. I don't like hearing you say you ARE a womanizing piece of shit...you definitely have been one, a prolific one at that- but that doesn't mean that is who you are. You don't know yourself well enough to know that yet. You require ALOT of attention, whether you realize it or not. Maybe part of that is not ever getting what you want or knowing how to get what you want from people in your life. Also, not allowing yourself to really connect emotionally to people leads to more shallow encounters-which makes it easy to collect a harem. I think you have choosen people that support your comfortable patterns of behavior...i get the sense you have just been on autopilot for years. You and your country song soundtrack, spending too much time and investing too much life into other people's perceptions.
Now you can change that. Or atleast better understand that...you never have to be selfish in a relationship again, because you have the opportunity to be honest-because if you are honest you don't have to live in a fractured mirror ...so stop bad mouthing my friend by putting yourself down. Give yourself a fucking chance for once. I mean, you have pretty much done every shitty thing you can do to another person, seriously-and you don't feel good about it...you have seen the worst of you and hopefully with time and you really looking at where you have been, you can put the demons to rest or atleast figure out how to satisfy those parts of you in a way that doesn't hurt other people.
And you may decide, you like having the different parts of your life not touch and that is fine as well. If that is who you are, then own it, don't feel bad about it. Fuck, who is to say that your way isn't the right and best way for you to live? In the time that we have known each other, I have seen your whites and blacks and most every shade of grey-if only in flashes, if only for the time it took you to cum and hit the door.And while you can be a world class fuckhole, there are some genuinely sweet parts of you-and for once i am not talking about your cock (thinking about it, yes, but not referring to it). But mostly with you i have seen the primal: flight response, fear, fucking...anger...alot of fear, actually. distance comes from fear, anger comes from fear...anything that is strong enough to hurt you can heal you. remember that before you make your next move in that chess game...and just because you sacrificed your queen, doesn't mean you destabilized the board. Pawns can become queens, mind your pawns and strengthen your game.
love you. mean it.
But I want you to remember, there is a difference between where you have been, what you have done, who you are and who you will be. I don't like hearing you say you ARE a womanizing piece of shit...you definitely have been one, a prolific one at that- but that doesn't mean that is who you are. You don't know yourself well enough to know that yet. You require ALOT of attention, whether you realize it or not. Maybe part of that is not ever getting what you want or knowing how to get what you want from people in your life. Also, not allowing yourself to really connect emotionally to people leads to more shallow encounters-which makes it easy to collect a harem. I think you have choosen people that support your comfortable patterns of behavior...i get the sense you have just been on autopilot for years. You and your country song soundtrack, spending too much time and investing too much life into other people's perceptions.
Now you can change that. Or atleast better understand that...you never have to be selfish in a relationship again, because you have the opportunity to be honest-because if you are honest you don't have to live in a fractured mirror ...so stop bad mouthing my friend by putting yourself down. Give yourself a fucking chance for once. I mean, you have pretty much done every shitty thing you can do to another person, seriously-and you don't feel good about it...you have seen the worst of you and hopefully with time and you really looking at where you have been, you can put the demons to rest or atleast figure out how to satisfy those parts of you in a way that doesn't hurt other people.
And you may decide, you like having the different parts of your life not touch and that is fine as well. If that is who you are, then own it, don't feel bad about it. Fuck, who is to say that your way isn't the right and best way for you to live? In the time that we have known each other, I have seen your whites and blacks and most every shade of grey-if only in flashes, if only for the time it took you to cum and hit the door.And while you can be a world class fuckhole, there are some genuinely sweet parts of you-and for once i am not talking about your cock (thinking about it, yes, but not referring to it). But mostly with you i have seen the primal: flight response, fear, fucking...anger...alot of fear, actually. distance comes from fear, anger comes from fear...anything that is strong enough to hurt you can heal you. remember that before you make your next move in that chess game...and just because you sacrificed your queen, doesn't mean you destabilized the board. Pawns can become queens, mind your pawns and strengthen your game.
love you. mean it.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
country songs
from what I can gather you have this weird country song mindset that you want a woman that "makes you want to be a better man", that you have this idea of what makes a good wife/girlfriend etc and then there is everyone else. All that "better man" bullshit is going to ensure you atleast one more divorce/bitter break-up and/or a lifetime of scumbaggery as you "get your dick wet" on the side in any future relationship you are in-whether it be a year or ten years into your next relationship.
When you talk about your wife or about past relationships, there is always distance there. That distance, the best I can figure, is the difference between what you need and what you have been hardwired to believe that you want. When we were in Atlanta, you talked about how Melanie made a "good wife"...she was loyal and devoted and got you pole beans for your garden while you away. Meanwhile, you were telling all this to me:for lack of a better word-your mistress who you had flown cross country with...and you talked alot in Atlanta about what it meant to be "a man"...but it seemed empty...like part of your idea of being a man was having a solid woman at home and a life that looked good on paper-but didn't require you to be emotionally present at all. Like all your relationships, except for ours, regardless of how serious or casual, have always been you relating to a female in this distant way...where you are the "man" and you tell her what she wants to hear or do what you think she wants and then live a life completely separate to the one you share with her. And while having your own friends and a life away from your partner is healthy, you have a completely separate life...like they wouldn't recognize you if they saw more than what they want to see or what you allow them to see.
And I think that is why you have always run around...and why you may always run around. Passion in any relationship cools...but if you don't connect on a deeper level, it is easy to just go out and fuck someone else and tell yourself it doesn't matter-because it doesn't...the people in your life are just the outlines of people. Your interactions- they are all choreography.
And sitting from where I sit,it just seems so empty. I remember you telling me about sam, about how you respected that she wouldn't hook up with you because you were married...And I remember thinking that she wasn't morally superior,she just needed to be the center of attention. And your approach with her was different, you courted her and you had even said that if you were single there may have been more between you. And I remember thinking-but you weren't single, and you weren't going to leave your wife, so your best case scenario was that you just got to fuck her a few times before you walked away from her and yet, you kinda put me down for respecting your situation and just being honest, and not making things bigger or more important than they were. And I am sure with this new girl and with the next string of girls, you will take them out and tell them what they want to hear, then tell yourself that is how it supposed to be...
all i am saying is that you need to look deep. You said before the last time I was in Vegas you felt like your girlfriend was coming to town, and you were intense with me in bed, emotionally-not just physically...and then you said that your feelings for me threatened your marriage. Look at that. Look at why your relationship with me is different. part of it is because I don't fit into the typical mold. Being a better man is knowing yourself and coming into a relationship a whole person-not that shit you hear in country songs.
Maybe you can't have that closeness with anyone else, I dunno...but look deep. Because I am not going through the shit we have gone through in your next relationship. If you leave your wife and 3 weeks or 3 months or 3 years down the road into your next relationship, you are still sleeping with me-and tell me that your feelings for me are interfering with that relationship, I am going to fly to vegas and kick you in the nuts. because you would have to be a fucking retard to always push to the side the person who you care for.
a marionette with cut strings huh? thats a good one
When you talk about your wife or about past relationships, there is always distance there. That distance, the best I can figure, is the difference between what you need and what you have been hardwired to believe that you want. When we were in Atlanta, you talked about how Melanie made a "good wife"...she was loyal and devoted and got you pole beans for your garden while you away. Meanwhile, you were telling all this to me:for lack of a better word-your mistress who you had flown cross country with...and you talked alot in Atlanta about what it meant to be "a man"...but it seemed empty...like part of your idea of being a man was having a solid woman at home and a life that looked good on paper-but didn't require you to be emotionally present at all. Like all your relationships, except for ours, regardless of how serious or casual, have always been you relating to a female in this distant way...where you are the "man" and you tell her what she wants to hear or do what you think she wants and then live a life completely separate to the one you share with her. And while having your own friends and a life away from your partner is healthy, you have a completely separate life...like they wouldn't recognize you if they saw more than what they want to see or what you allow them to see.
And I think that is why you have always run around...and why you may always run around. Passion in any relationship cools...but if you don't connect on a deeper level, it is easy to just go out and fuck someone else and tell yourself it doesn't matter-because it doesn't...the people in your life are just the outlines of people. Your interactions- they are all choreography.
And sitting from where I sit,it just seems so empty. I remember you telling me about sam, about how you respected that she wouldn't hook up with you because you were married...And I remember thinking that she wasn't morally superior,she just needed to be the center of attention. And your approach with her was different, you courted her and you had even said that if you were single there may have been more between you. And I remember thinking-but you weren't single, and you weren't going to leave your wife, so your best case scenario was that you just got to fuck her a few times before you walked away from her and yet, you kinda put me down for respecting your situation and just being honest, and not making things bigger or more important than they were. And I am sure with this new girl and with the next string of girls, you will take them out and tell them what they want to hear, then tell yourself that is how it supposed to be...
all i am saying is that you need to look deep. You said before the last time I was in Vegas you felt like your girlfriend was coming to town, and you were intense with me in bed, emotionally-not just physically...and then you said that your feelings for me threatened your marriage. Look at that. Look at why your relationship with me is different. part of it is because I don't fit into the typical mold. Being a better man is knowing yourself and coming into a relationship a whole person-not that shit you hear in country songs.
Maybe you can't have that closeness with anyone else, I dunno...but look deep. Because I am not going through the shit we have gone through in your next relationship. If you leave your wife and 3 weeks or 3 months or 3 years down the road into your next relationship, you are still sleeping with me-and tell me that your feelings for me are interfering with that relationship, I am going to fly to vegas and kick you in the nuts. because you would have to be a fucking retard to always push to the side the person who you care for.
a marionette with cut strings huh? thats a good one
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Crazy
So I have been thinking about my meltdown alot...and as scary as it may have been for you, it was WAY more scary for me...I mean, you always have the opportunity of walking away-but me, I am stuck with my crazy ass...
and I don't get it. I am not,nor have I ever been jealous,clingy or possessive. I suck at monogamy and have always had various men in my life. And I know what it means to care deeply for someone and be involved with other people. In every relationship I have ever been in, I have always had my foot out the door...it never meant I didn't love who I was with, I just needed my time. I am lucky that I have been involved with men that let me come and go as I please and don't ask alot of questions (;
The irony of me flipping out at the mention of another girl is sevenfold...because not only is it out of character, when I told you about my latest sexual exploits and you didn't respond-I was worried that something had changed between us or you had gone soft on me...or that you had fallen into the familar trap of the guy that wants the girl when he wants her-and not a moment after-but doesn't want to think of her on the prowl...which, fuck, it happens.
and maybe it is about control. It is always me that does what I want. I define the relationship and I hold the cards. I know where I stand with my friends and lovers and am secure with those relationships...with you I am not. I see you as someone who has one foot out the door and who holds all the cards and even though I know what the means,when you said there was a person of interest I felt like I had been handed my walking papers...especially because you stopped calling me and said you needed space-but were talking to her. Now, I know it's different-flirting with a stranger and dealing with someone who knows you and all your spots...during the rough shit a random hook-up or some harmless flirtation can just quiet the voices. You can enjoy that person and not worry- they are as you are, a clean slate.and like I said when we talked-I really just wanted some time with you before you moved on...and my reaction was totally irrational...trying to wrangle your attention or force you to spend time with me is fucking retarded. I watch girls get sucked into that and laugh. I have never tried to chain someone to me-cuz that chain works both ways and I know with time I will have break free.
These months have been emotional. I am not Mother Fucking Theresa. I had you in a safe place in my mind...and I could be your confidant and be your lover and never get confused about what that meant. But the last time I was in Vegas, I really saw in you that those lines has blurred...and it scared me, then you come to me and tell me your marriage is over and it was like opening pandora's box. Everything I thought and expected from you and about you had changed somehow...I felt like my relationship with you was a reflection of your relationship with her...that whatever part of you needed to be free-you explored that with me and that kept your marriage happy.So thinking of your life without her meant you could walk away from me as well-find something new and shiny-something safe. Also, you were more raw and emotional than I had ever seen you and that stirred up feelings in me as well...If we were never to talk again, I would carry you with me. You mean alot to me.
There is the part of me that sees you for who you are and wants more for you than you even want for yourself-and would sacrifice my own needs to make sure you found your bliss. Then there is the selfish part of me that wants you how I want you when I want you...and I can't even tell you what that means cuz i feel like that changes all the time. I feel like if we lived in the same city, things between us would be simple. We would see each other whenever it felt right. There have been times in these last months that I just wanted to be in the same room with you because it would make sense of the confusion...but with the distance, there is planning and fear that the time I spend with you is out of obligation and not desire.
And speaking of desire...we are emotional cripples and suck at this stuff. I agree that things have been far too messy...lets get back to what we are good at-laughter and orgasms and fuck the rest. I miss that sweetness.
and I don't get it. I am not,nor have I ever been jealous,clingy or possessive. I suck at monogamy and have always had various men in my life. And I know what it means to care deeply for someone and be involved with other people. In every relationship I have ever been in, I have always had my foot out the door...it never meant I didn't love who I was with, I just needed my time. I am lucky that I have been involved with men that let me come and go as I please and don't ask alot of questions (;
The irony of me flipping out at the mention of another girl is sevenfold...because not only is it out of character, when I told you about my latest sexual exploits and you didn't respond-I was worried that something had changed between us or you had gone soft on me...or that you had fallen into the familar trap of the guy that wants the girl when he wants her-and not a moment after-but doesn't want to think of her on the prowl...which, fuck, it happens.
and maybe it is about control. It is always me that does what I want. I define the relationship and I hold the cards. I know where I stand with my friends and lovers and am secure with those relationships...with you I am not. I see you as someone who has one foot out the door and who holds all the cards and even though I know what the means,when you said there was a person of interest I felt like I had been handed my walking papers...especially because you stopped calling me and said you needed space-but were talking to her. Now, I know it's different-flirting with a stranger and dealing with someone who knows you and all your spots...during the rough shit a random hook-up or some harmless flirtation can just quiet the voices. You can enjoy that person and not worry- they are as you are, a clean slate.and like I said when we talked-I really just wanted some time with you before you moved on...and my reaction was totally irrational...trying to wrangle your attention or force you to spend time with me is fucking retarded. I watch girls get sucked into that and laugh. I have never tried to chain someone to me-cuz that chain works both ways and I know with time I will have break free.
These months have been emotional. I am not Mother Fucking Theresa. I had you in a safe place in my mind...and I could be your confidant and be your lover and never get confused about what that meant. But the last time I was in Vegas, I really saw in you that those lines has blurred...and it scared me, then you come to me and tell me your marriage is over and it was like opening pandora's box. Everything I thought and expected from you and about you had changed somehow...I felt like my relationship with you was a reflection of your relationship with her...that whatever part of you needed to be free-you explored that with me and that kept your marriage happy.So thinking of your life without her meant you could walk away from me as well-find something new and shiny-something safe. Also, you were more raw and emotional than I had ever seen you and that stirred up feelings in me as well...If we were never to talk again, I would carry you with me. You mean alot to me.
There is the part of me that sees you for who you are and wants more for you than you even want for yourself-and would sacrifice my own needs to make sure you found your bliss. Then there is the selfish part of me that wants you how I want you when I want you...and I can't even tell you what that means cuz i feel like that changes all the time. I feel like if we lived in the same city, things between us would be simple. We would see each other whenever it felt right. There have been times in these last months that I just wanted to be in the same room with you because it would make sense of the confusion...but with the distance, there is planning and fear that the time I spend with you is out of obligation and not desire.
And speaking of desire...we are emotional cripples and suck at this stuff. I agree that things have been far too messy...lets get back to what we are good at-laughter and orgasms and fuck the rest. I miss that sweetness.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
leaving a light on
I have been telling you that we should just be honest, live in the moment-shower, fuck,kiss, laugh-whatever, then go back to our lives. I have been good about keeping things in perspective-you are married, you live in Vegas...whatever the fuck we are, it is what it is...and I never felt like my relationship with you stood in the way of me meeting someone else...now I am not so sure. I don't want to fuck anyone else. I am not interested in other guys...which is weird because I have cheated on all my boyfriends, and I am always prowling.
When I meet other guys,interact with them on that "dating/flirty" level-it makes you more important. For all your faults and Colt Ford mp3s, you just charm the fuck out of me. I love what you are and aren't, both to me and in general. And you are important to me. As time passes, that importance grows. You take up more space in my heart and thoughts. I wouldn't care except the distance is beginning to bother me. Though intellectually I accept that we live in different states and generally prefer things that way-lately I have really wished I lived closer. That is scary for me. Especially because I don't think we are on the same page about that.
Which leads to my second concern. For the longest time my daydreams about you involved fucking or ravioli making. (which looks really odd in print)...now I imagine us doing normal stuff, then fucking...laughing over dinner and tearing each other apart in the parking lot-not even making it home...going to a country bar, shooting whiskey then going home and fucking like animals until we pass out-sweaty and exhausted...And that is ridiculous, we can't even leave my room in Vegas. At this point I don't even think we could have a beer with Chris or Brenda-because we are far closer than we should be by their accounts-and to be around other people would be weird. Either we would be uncomfortable with trying not to act too comfortable-or we would be to comfortable and add fuel to the fire.
And the fact you said you can't see us together makes me think we are on different planets. I mean, I am sure you can't see yourself with anyone at this point-including your current partner...and if your situation were to change there is alot you would have to get thru before you could even think in those terms about anybody-I am so not trying to push anything on you...and though I NEVER thought I would think of you in that way-after my last Vegas trip I could definitely see it. We are similar enough in some ways (we both are raw and can roll with whatever is thrown our way) and different enough that it could never be boring...you calm parts of me and with me you would always be free-and there is a sweetness between us that I haven't felt in forever...but I am not a "safe" choice. I think you want a more traditional girl at home and then you get what you want elsewhere. And if Sam is indicative of your taste-you are in trouble...she was raw, sexy-but totally needy and had to be the center of attention-I can't see you being happy tripping after some girl-no matter how good of a lay she was. You can have a true partner-someone who knows you and sees you and all your spots and stands by you...but you need to go out there and figure that on your own-even as a friend I can't help you with that. There is more to life and love than what you know or expect...trust that. And sometimes people show themselves in codes that are hard to decipher-that doesn't mean it is a language you can't understand.
and maybe none of it is real. Maybe I am feeling what I am feeling because you are a question mark...but after john and I broke up, I swore I would never let myself get so emotionally tangled up in someone I couldn't walk away or pack my bag and move across the country or across the world from them...but when I am with you, I don't want to be anywhere else...I am completely in the moment-I just want to feel your skin against my skin and laugh at your dumb jokes. THAT is enough...for all the big and great loves I have had-the simplicity of the space we occupy is enough...just having you there next to me. What you do when we aren't together? Couldn't care less. But I think I am more invested in you than you are in me...
and that makes me a fool and a lifetime original movie.I am not going to be THAT girl-my heart is too big and I am way too fucking awesome.you don't get to hurt me
When I meet other guys,interact with them on that "dating/flirty" level-it makes you more important. For all your faults and Colt Ford mp3s, you just charm the fuck out of me. I love what you are and aren't, both to me and in general. And you are important to me. As time passes, that importance grows. You take up more space in my heart and thoughts. I wouldn't care except the distance is beginning to bother me. Though intellectually I accept that we live in different states and generally prefer things that way-lately I have really wished I lived closer. That is scary for me. Especially because I don't think we are on the same page about that.
Which leads to my second concern. For the longest time my daydreams about you involved fucking or ravioli making. (which looks really odd in print)...now I imagine us doing normal stuff, then fucking...laughing over dinner and tearing each other apart in the parking lot-not even making it home...going to a country bar, shooting whiskey then going home and fucking like animals until we pass out-sweaty and exhausted...And that is ridiculous, we can't even leave my room in Vegas. At this point I don't even think we could have a beer with Chris or Brenda-because we are far closer than we should be by their accounts-and to be around other people would be weird. Either we would be uncomfortable with trying not to act too comfortable-or we would be to comfortable and add fuel to the fire.
And the fact you said you can't see us together makes me think we are on different planets. I mean, I am sure you can't see yourself with anyone at this point-including your current partner...and if your situation were to change there is alot you would have to get thru before you could even think in those terms about anybody-I am so not trying to push anything on you...and though I NEVER thought I would think of you in that way-after my last Vegas trip I could definitely see it. We are similar enough in some ways (we both are raw and can roll with whatever is thrown our way) and different enough that it could never be boring...you calm parts of me and with me you would always be free-and there is a sweetness between us that I haven't felt in forever...but I am not a "safe" choice. I think you want a more traditional girl at home and then you get what you want elsewhere. And if Sam is indicative of your taste-you are in trouble...she was raw, sexy-but totally needy and had to be the center of attention-I can't see you being happy tripping after some girl-no matter how good of a lay she was. You can have a true partner-someone who knows you and sees you and all your spots and stands by you...but you need to go out there and figure that on your own-even as a friend I can't help you with that. There is more to life and love than what you know or expect...trust that. And sometimes people show themselves in codes that are hard to decipher-that doesn't mean it is a language you can't understand.
and maybe none of it is real. Maybe I am feeling what I am feeling because you are a question mark...but after john and I broke up, I swore I would never let myself get so emotionally tangled up in someone I couldn't walk away or pack my bag and move across the country or across the world from them...but when I am with you, I don't want to be anywhere else...I am completely in the moment-I just want to feel your skin against my skin and laugh at your dumb jokes. THAT is enough...for all the big and great loves I have had-the simplicity of the space we occupy is enough...just having you there next to me. What you do when we aren't together? Couldn't care less. But I think I am more invested in you than you are in me...
and that makes me a fool and a lifetime original movie.I am not going to be THAT girl-my heart is too big and I am way too fucking awesome.you don't get to hurt me
Friday, November 6, 2009
The IT Factor
So maybe the real question should be, what is it about you that makes you happy? You, alone. The you that you are when you are in your head- those places no one else can hear or see...
Much of what you put out there is about taking control of other people...The charismatic funny guy, the irresistable asshole, The fix-it guy...people kinda just fall in line and you walk away with the control, whether you want it or not...but the benefit to you in that is you have the power to take it or leave it. Dominance is protection...but for what? Sometimes with you, I feel like I am dealing with a fortress,built around a walled city-that also has a mote of fire around it. But what is on the other side? What's the armor for? Is it to keep you in or to keep the rest of us out. In the last couple years I have seen past some of the fire, but that is all...
You say you to don't talk about things or bring much emotion to table in any of your relationships. But what the fuck? Can you say you are/ever have been truly happy? Cuz that is the big mindfuck catch-22 about this whole life thing...to only way to truly be happy is to risk pain. Do you think that is why you experience life through your cock? You allow yourself pleasure, but not emotion...Pleasure isn't happiness, Daddy...sex is a like a drug and an orgasm is a bump of coke...you can have a fuck all of a good time, but the end it is all fleeting and empty.
And I wonder if you can maintain a truly monogamous relationship. Completely free of swinging and "strange"...You do it for periods of time-but eventually engage in group play or other play. And in the past and even with us to some degree, some of those other relationships have had an emotional component. I wonder what that "other" is exactly, that thing you need...and if you could get it without sticking your dick in someone? Or- that if you isolated what you needed it would hurt too much before it felt better-and hence-you will just kinda repeat the pattern until someone gets pregnant or goes fatal attraction. Then you can blame them for your losses.
I bring this up not because I want to convince you back into my bed-trying to convince you of anything is like throwing a rock into the air and expecting it to take orbit-not only is it impossible-that shit is going to fall back down and probably hurt you. I'd rather be someone in your life that you can trust and that will respect your boundaries,your marriage. Life is way too fucking short to play games.
I just worry about you. You are my friend and I love you and I worry that all the measures you take to protect yourself from harm may end up hurting you in the end-you joke that things with you always end poorly-and I am thinking that is true even with yourself. I don't want to offend you or cross the line. I am sorry that I have in the past...that day I was drunk, I asked the easy question-not the right one. It isn't that simple and DEFINITELY not my place.
alright. I am going to go ride my bike til shit makes sense again.
...yeah
Much of what you put out there is about taking control of other people...The charismatic funny guy, the irresistable asshole, The fix-it guy...people kinda just fall in line and you walk away with the control, whether you want it or not...but the benefit to you in that is you have the power to take it or leave it. Dominance is protection...but for what? Sometimes with you, I feel like I am dealing with a fortress,built around a walled city-that also has a mote of fire around it. But what is on the other side? What's the armor for? Is it to keep you in or to keep the rest of us out. In the last couple years I have seen past some of the fire, but that is all...
You say you to don't talk about things or bring much emotion to table in any of your relationships. But what the fuck? Can you say you are/ever have been truly happy? Cuz that is the big mindfuck catch-22 about this whole life thing...to only way to truly be happy is to risk pain. Do you think that is why you experience life through your cock? You allow yourself pleasure, but not emotion...Pleasure isn't happiness, Daddy...sex is a like a drug and an orgasm is a bump of coke...you can have a fuck all of a good time, but the end it is all fleeting and empty.
And I wonder if you can maintain a truly monogamous relationship. Completely free of swinging and "strange"...You do it for periods of time-but eventually engage in group play or other play. And in the past and even with us to some degree, some of those other relationships have had an emotional component. I wonder what that "other" is exactly, that thing you need...and if you could get it without sticking your dick in someone? Or- that if you isolated what you needed it would hurt too much before it felt better-and hence-you will just kinda repeat the pattern until someone gets pregnant or goes fatal attraction. Then you can blame them for your losses.
I bring this up not because I want to convince you back into my bed-trying to convince you of anything is like throwing a rock into the air and expecting it to take orbit-not only is it impossible-that shit is going to fall back down and probably hurt you. I'd rather be someone in your life that you can trust and that will respect your boundaries,your marriage. Life is way too fucking short to play games.
I just worry about you. You are my friend and I love you and I worry that all the measures you take to protect yourself from harm may end up hurting you in the end-you joke that things with you always end poorly-and I am thinking that is true even with yourself. I don't want to offend you or cross the line. I am sorry that I have in the past...that day I was drunk, I asked the easy question-not the right one. It isn't that simple and DEFINITELY not my place.
alright. I am going to go ride my bike til shit makes sense again.
...yeah
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Awe Daddy
Hopefully IT isn't an STD...So you want a laundry list of why you are awesome, huh? I guess I can stroke your ego a little-I have grown quite adept at stroking your bits over the last 2 years...
You laugh. And when you laugh it is genuine. You get that most of life is a bunch of bullshit not to be taken too seriously and you roll with it. You got a part of you that is coyote that needs to get out there and howl at the moon-and I relate to that...and I guess I like that with you I can be the lamb and let you be the coyote...I like it when you prey upon me...it makes me giggle. and cum.
You are sexy. Not because you are Brad Pitt (no offense) but because you are raw and you understand pleasure. You were able to disconnect me from any sense of decency and morality I had about sex and taught me to just feel pleasure. I THOUGHT I had orgasms before...not like the ones I have had with you.Homer will miss you, Daddy...that said I totally respect your decisions and value your friendship more.
Like I have said before, you are a little girl, an alphadog, a nerdy school boy pulling on my pigtails...a raging prick that needs to be kicked in the nuts. I like all the different sides of you, how and when you show them, how they come together or clash. I enjoyed you from a far and then inside me (all up in my guts, if you were). That said, if you take away the sex, you still make me smile. I would be happy just rubbing your big manly sequoia shoulders while you make me laugh like only you can. You are my buddy...(were?)...and you bring the funny. We have playful chemistry. It feels both totally reckless and totally natural. I like that.
and I think I bring something positive to your life as well...I won't judge you, regardless of what you come to me with-I think you need someone who doesn't expect or need anything from you. I know your natural role is to be the one who fixes everything or who is in control. I mean, you are fucking wound tight...but, with me none of that shit matters...my love for you is absolutely unconditional...it is not about how you treat me or what bad or good you do. I genuinely care for you-all the bullshit, all the beauty...you are one fucked up little monkey and I can appreciate just that. I wouldn't have you any other way (: (and I am not saying that I "have" you-I know my place-so chill)
So, was this what you were looking for,Daddy? Did I give you the compliments you were fishing for?
Hate you,Fucker.
You laugh. And when you laugh it is genuine. You get that most of life is a bunch of bullshit not to be taken too seriously and you roll with it. You got a part of you that is coyote that needs to get out there and howl at the moon-and I relate to that...and I guess I like that with you I can be the lamb and let you be the coyote...I like it when you prey upon me...it makes me giggle. and cum.
You are sexy. Not because you are Brad Pitt (no offense) but because you are raw and you understand pleasure. You were able to disconnect me from any sense of decency and morality I had about sex and taught me to just feel pleasure. I THOUGHT I had orgasms before...not like the ones I have had with you.Homer will miss you, Daddy...that said I totally respect your decisions and value your friendship more.
Like I have said before, you are a little girl, an alphadog, a nerdy school boy pulling on my pigtails...a raging prick that needs to be kicked in the nuts. I like all the different sides of you, how and when you show them, how they come together or clash. I enjoyed you from a far and then inside me (all up in my guts, if you were). That said, if you take away the sex, you still make me smile. I would be happy just rubbing your big manly sequoia shoulders while you make me laugh like only you can. You are my buddy...(were?)...and you bring the funny. We have playful chemistry. It feels both totally reckless and totally natural. I like that.
and I think I bring something positive to your life as well...I won't judge you, regardless of what you come to me with-I think you need someone who doesn't expect or need anything from you. I know your natural role is to be the one who fixes everything or who is in control. I mean, you are fucking wound tight...but, with me none of that shit matters...my love for you is absolutely unconditional...it is not about how you treat me or what bad or good you do. I genuinely care for you-all the bullshit, all the beauty...you are one fucked up little monkey and I can appreciate just that. I wouldn't have you any other way (: (and I am not saying that I "have" you-I know my place-so chill)
So, was this what you were looking for,Daddy? Did I give you the compliments you were fishing for?
Hate you,Fucker.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Progress Report
I know we shot texts and you apologized and let me know in your opinion, enough had been said. Maybe you are right, but I want to be crystal clear with you.
What you said upset me. It upset me on various levels.
1.I am not envious of, nor am I competing with M for your affection. I would never want her to be hurt or disrespected by my relationship with you. Now, I am selfish, and am not so worried about her as to stop sleeping with her husband, let's call a spade a spade, but I don't speak poorly of her and didn't like hearing you be so callous about her.
2. If you would say that about her, that means I am REALLY low on the totem pole. Basically, it is a reflection of you caring more about being a stud than either her or I. which shouldn't bother me, I mean, I came into this your whore,not your friend-but now, I see you as a person-and people can disappoint me. I don't want to be disappointed.
3. By saying you were going to fuck her and think of me, you were getting dangerously close to-" I would rather fuck you than her"or " I'd rather walk through the front door and see you tonight"...and that is nothing I ever want to hear. I won't be that for you. I care for you, more than I thought I ever could-to be honest sometimes I wonder what would happen if your situation was different-but it isn't-and I am not going down that road with you.
I don't think what you said was that loaded, I think it was more thoughtless than anything...but all considered, I feel like I need to be careful-which you should recognize as a good thing-even if it means getting these emails every so often (;. I have struggled with the fact you are married since day one...If you remember, I gave you my number the night you gave me yours-but the minute you popped up on my caller id-I froze-wouldn't answer your calls. The possibility of us ending up in bed became real-and it scared me...The decent part of me wanted nothing to do with a married man, but the broken part of me was so numb that curiousity won over decency. And that numbness, lasted-and I still have waves of it. That said, I am not turned on by being with a married man. I don't feel like I am better than your wife or your willingness to cheat has anything to do with me. It doesn't stroke my ego. I accept that you come with garbarge barge full of baggage-and I don't judge you for it. Shit happens and we are here in the thick of it, for better or for worse...but I don't like you throwing it in my face.Maybe the other girls you have been with have been turned on by that, the thrill of being someone elses risk-but YOU turn me on. YOU. Your laughter. Your shades of grey. If you weren't married,you would still be as big of a thrill...know that.
I almost feel like there is a necessary role play between us. Which works. My only arguement is that I don't want there to be dishonesty. I want to know how you feel. I don't want to be blindsided down the road. I also don't want to be taken for granted. As your whore, I don't care if you spit on me-just keep it hot.As your friend? You need to have a certain level of respect for me. But I think you know that.
let me be the first to say it, in the simplest terms...I have a "crush" on you. you are more than a friend...I get nervous and shy when you are sweet to me. I like laughing with you. You are my friend and my biggest mistake. I like that about us. When we were in Fresno, I was naked and I put on my glasses so you could explain how gay that motorcycle mag was...I remember thinking-I am naked in eyeglasses-which is weird, cuz generally I only wear my glasses for official stuff. But it was perfect,another normality, line in the sand, crossed.
let me know when you read this.
fucker.
i hate you.
What you said upset me. It upset me on various levels.
1.I am not envious of, nor am I competing with M for your affection. I would never want her to be hurt or disrespected by my relationship with you. Now, I am selfish, and am not so worried about her as to stop sleeping with her husband, let's call a spade a spade, but I don't speak poorly of her and didn't like hearing you be so callous about her.
2. If you would say that about her, that means I am REALLY low on the totem pole. Basically, it is a reflection of you caring more about being a stud than either her or I. which shouldn't bother me, I mean, I came into this your whore,not your friend-but now, I see you as a person-and people can disappoint me. I don't want to be disappointed.
3. By saying you were going to fuck her and think of me, you were getting dangerously close to-" I would rather fuck you than her"or " I'd rather walk through the front door and see you tonight"...and that is nothing I ever want to hear. I won't be that for you. I care for you, more than I thought I ever could-to be honest sometimes I wonder what would happen if your situation was different-but it isn't-and I am not going down that road with you.
I don't think what you said was that loaded, I think it was more thoughtless than anything...but all considered, I feel like I need to be careful-which you should recognize as a good thing-even if it means getting these emails every so often (;. I have struggled with the fact you are married since day one...If you remember, I gave you my number the night you gave me yours-but the minute you popped up on my caller id-I froze-wouldn't answer your calls. The possibility of us ending up in bed became real-and it scared me...The decent part of me wanted nothing to do with a married man, but the broken part of me was so numb that curiousity won over decency. And that numbness, lasted-and I still have waves of it. That said, I am not turned on by being with a married man. I don't feel like I am better than your wife or your willingness to cheat has anything to do with me. It doesn't stroke my ego. I accept that you come with garbarge barge full of baggage-and I don't judge you for it. Shit happens and we are here in the thick of it, for better or for worse...but I don't like you throwing it in my face.Maybe the other girls you have been with have been turned on by that, the thrill of being someone elses risk-but YOU turn me on. YOU. Your laughter. Your shades of grey. If you weren't married,you would still be as big of a thrill...know that.
I almost feel like there is a necessary role play between us. Which works. My only arguement is that I don't want there to be dishonesty. I want to know how you feel. I don't want to be blindsided down the road. I also don't want to be taken for granted. As your whore, I don't care if you spit on me-just keep it hot.As your friend? You need to have a certain level of respect for me. But I think you know that.
let me be the first to say it, in the simplest terms...I have a "crush" on you. you are more than a friend...I get nervous and shy when you are sweet to me. I like laughing with you. You are my friend and my biggest mistake. I like that about us. When we were in Fresno, I was naked and I put on my glasses so you could explain how gay that motorcycle mag was...I remember thinking-I am naked in eyeglasses-which is weird, cuz generally I only wear my glasses for official stuff. But it was perfect,another normality, line in the sand, crossed.
let me know when you read this.
fucker.
i hate you.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
pig tales
So I decided to order a buttplug that looks like a pig tail from the infranets because...well...it seemed like a good time...throw in-the pig tail, on-some fuck me heels then get greased up and chased around some Vegas motel room...I AM A VISIONARY! Well, I am TERRIBLE at math, and when I see the dimensions of things-it means nothing to me, like celsius, but with fractions...
Well, my purchase arrives and I am struck dumb in its wake...I was expecting something tiny and cute ( and I use "cute" here in a relative sense)..not so much. It is huge and sort of life-like. It wiggles when you move and the box recommends you wear it with assless chaps and has all these weird puns on it. I just stared at it. Blinking. Clicking my heels in an effort to get back to Kansas or atleast back to a place where I wasn't holding a giant anal toy fashioned after animalia. Then I started, um,squealing with laughter.
Later that night, my roommate came home and I couldn't help myself. I handed it to him. He was silent. He stared it ,blinking...then back at me...he says " for your inner sex-pig" and starts roaring...we laughed forever...
Now I am not saying that it will never be put to use...but my partner in slime better buy me something first...I don't care what, a bag of peanut buttercups will do...but he'd be better off pitching in for a pitcher of margaritas. and some rohypnol.
Well, my purchase arrives and I am struck dumb in its wake...I was expecting something tiny and cute ( and I use "cute" here in a relative sense)..not so much. It is huge and sort of life-like. It wiggles when you move and the box recommends you wear it with assless chaps and has all these weird puns on it. I just stared at it. Blinking. Clicking my heels in an effort to get back to Kansas or atleast back to a place where I wasn't holding a giant anal toy fashioned after animalia. Then I started, um,squealing with laughter.
Later that night, my roommate came home and I couldn't help myself. I handed it to him. He was silent. He stared it ,blinking...then back at me...he says " for your inner sex-pig" and starts roaring...we laughed forever...
Now I am not saying that it will never be put to use...but my partner in slime better buy me something first...I don't care what, a bag of peanut buttercups will do...but he'd be better off pitching in for a pitcher of margaritas. and some rohypnol.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
dismember me by
So I'm writing you because I think you stand without judgement. I think you can stand back and see all the different angles and ignore the geometry...also, I am hoping the simple act of writing will trace over feelings and create a map that will guide me...to...some kind of...truth, maybe?
I am a mistress, as you know. Have been now for about a year and a half...not to mention the almost year of flirting and innuendo leading up to the actual consumation...The first time Chef and I met, my casino was trying to bring him over from another casino...the head chef at the time, had me serve him and his wife, because I was one of the strongest servers...I blew it. I screwed up every part of service. I felt instantly comfortable with him, like we knew each other...so ended up being unprofessional and losing touch with the actual service part of the meal.
Flash forward a couple months, and he is the chef and my boss. It is shift change and he is coming with the night crew. I had worked lunch, and was in the kitchen with the girls talking about a date I had gone on and laughing. He came in, all puffed up, the sterotypical alpha male chef, with all of his cooks behind him...and he interrupts me, saying
"Hey, are your boyfriends all alcoholics"
and I look at him and ask why, to which he says:
" Because that laugh of yours, it would drive any man to drink"
So I turn to him and deadpan, without missing a beat:
" Actually, I am a GREAT FUCK, so nobody even NOTICES my laugh"
he said that he didn't need to hear that and just walks off the line and ducks into the office.
And I thought nothing of it. I thought we were just doing what chefs and servers do, playing out a scene in the endless civil war between the floor and the line.
but there was an invisible line in the sand that I had unknowingly cross and now was engaged in a cat and mouse game that would span months.
He later said that he noticed me early on, because I was always chatting with the other waitresses and I was so raw and honest, the way I talked about my sexuality and life in general, he knew we played in the same playground.
On my end, I just liked to stand back and watch him, born and bred in the east bay, he reminded me so much of the people I grew up with...and I had been doing my trailer park odysseus schtick for 7 years in 3 countries and various states by the time I ended up in Vegas...I was road weary and homesick...he was my home away from home...I just liked to watch...
And I never in a million years thought that the flirting would lead anywhere. I met him and his wife together...fast forward 8 months...I had decided to move back to the bay in August, it was May...Chef and I flirted relentlessly at this point, then one day, my first love-who is VERY much like Chef, showed up out of nowhere...I hadnt seen him in a decade...he was married but had some unresolved feelings for me so he came to my casino to sort it out...I was telling Chef about this and he said
" Well, if you are such a great fuck, no wonder...and by the way, when you say stuff like that...it makes a man wonder"
I laughed and walked away, saying that before I leave Vegas we should play " 30 seconds in the walk-in"...now, I was joking, but sexual acts/drugs being partaken in the walk-in cooler is a totally normal occurrence in bar/ restaurant world ( I had a boss in memphis who said cocktail waitresses exist just so bartenders/chefs didn't have to leave the building to get off)...I have snorted drugs, smoked drugs and have been eagerly manhandled among industrial boxes of mayonnaise and giant buckets of pickles...
random twist of fate and I ended up having to work a double, the second part of my shift, with Chef. I was hostessing and it was really busy, so I started running food and picking up tables to save my fellow compatriots who were going down in flames...I went to pick up soup off the hot line and Chef stops what he is doing to plate up my soup...and I pick up the soup and there is a note, with his number and an invitation he said
" If you can be discreet, we don't have to wait until you leave"
and he gave me his number. I was floored. I had NO IDEA. I felt my face get hot and my stomach traveled all over my body...from my feet to stuck in my throat...and it hit me-this man was married but I..couldn't...help..myself. I had never been with a married man. I never saw myself as "that girl". I had this lifetime original movie idea of the mistress as someone who was weak and didn't feel like she deserved more...and I am a crazy independent gypsy punk rock nihilist douchebag-not a scoop of vanilla ice cream in a glass of warm water...that night, I text him on my break, in turn, giving him my number...
He called me every night for two weeks, and I wouldn't answer. I would answer his texts, but not his calls...I was scared that his voice would make things real...then his wife went out of town...he was supposed to call and didn't...in all honesty, I was relieved. Then he called...it was a monday...and mondays I would get drunk while watching "Intervention"...I invented this drinking game for the show,anytime anyone cried or talked about what an "angel" the now addict was as a child-I would do a shot. I know, I know, I am a sick fuck...he calls and says he has decided that it would be a bad idea for us to get involved...I say, that's fine, no problemo-but he should consider himself a cunt tease...now I was pretty drunk, and didn't take any of it seriously...til he knocked on my door...
He came into my apt. and we just stood there and looked at each other...it was the most bizarre feeling ever...I had never had a sexual ecounter with someone I didn't know or trust. Or that was my boss. Or that was married. I hadn't slept with anyone I didn't know for 7 or more years in almost a decade. Yet here we were...and since I couldn't wrap my brain around what was happening I just wrapped my mouth around his cock-leaving any trace of the brain (no pun intended) behind in favor of the primal. And it was mind blowing...since there weren't emotions attached, since I didn't need him to respect me...since he wasn't on the " long term plan"...I could just let my body seek out his body with out fear...it was liberating...and when we finished, I rolled off him and said
" so what about my laugh"
and he said
" what laugh?"
then slipped away for the night.
I drank wine, straight from the bottle, naked in my kitchen.
The next day we had to work together. I just ignored him. Did my best to act like nothing had happened. And for about 3 weeks, nothing did. In retrospect, I think he was testing me, to see if I would blab at work or get clingy...what he didn't know at the time, is that I was a union salt, salting the casino I was working at-and that I would never put my job or position with the union in jeopardy by getting caught up with management...
Then I started getting scheduled to close as a hostess when he closed on wednesdays. I asked him to drive me home one night. He said he would, but I had to masturbate the whole drive to my place. I told him I would remove my panties and meet him in the Chef's office at close. And so it was, until I left for the Bay...Wednesday nights we would tryst...and towards the end, he started to show himself at work. He would only be in my restaurant when I was working, etc...
But I left. And I thought it would be over, because I thought it was just about me being low hanging fruit. But we started talking all the time...and really connecting as people. He became my friend. I flew back to Vegas for the election, and we had sex...flash forward another 7 months, He has left the casino and he is on a corporate training in Atlanta-I fly down and spend the week with him. Then I just flew back for the 4th of July and we coupled...
Now he and his wife were childhood friends and then they became lovers...he has been married 6 years and with her 12. I believe he loves her truly...but she is home, she is family...and he craves passion...I am the human equivalent of sky diving...I am passionate with hedonist leanings...the cult of dionysus ...would have gladly accepted me if I was O.G ( original greek)
oh, and they swing. He is 29 and she is 31. the only rule is that he doesn't play alone...but I feel like I compliment his marriage, not threaten it. In Atlanta, he came to terms with the fact he had real feelings for me..we decided to end it...but we...can't..we enjoy each other.
I am not sure what to do...here is this person who I get to just have fun with. I don't color outside the lines...I don't want him to leave her or be with me or any of that nonsense...I enjoy the banter, the sex...I enjoy him as he is and she is a part of him.
But I feel like I should care. or end it. or something. Because technically it is immoral. but I feel like we are totally honest and natural with each other. It is a fun little bond to have.
what would you do?
I am a mistress, as you know. Have been now for about a year and a half...not to mention the almost year of flirting and innuendo leading up to the actual consumation...The first time Chef and I met, my casino was trying to bring him over from another casino...the head chef at the time, had me serve him and his wife, because I was one of the strongest servers...I blew it. I screwed up every part of service. I felt instantly comfortable with him, like we knew each other...so ended up being unprofessional and losing touch with the actual service part of the meal.
Flash forward a couple months, and he is the chef and my boss. It is shift change and he is coming with the night crew. I had worked lunch, and was in the kitchen with the girls talking about a date I had gone on and laughing. He came in, all puffed up, the sterotypical alpha male chef, with all of his cooks behind him...and he interrupts me, saying
"Hey, are your boyfriends all alcoholics"
and I look at him and ask why, to which he says:
" Because that laugh of yours, it would drive any man to drink"
So I turn to him and deadpan, without missing a beat:
" Actually, I am a GREAT FUCK, so nobody even NOTICES my laugh"
he said that he didn't need to hear that and just walks off the line and ducks into the office.
And I thought nothing of it. I thought we were just doing what chefs and servers do, playing out a scene in the endless civil war between the floor and the line.
but there was an invisible line in the sand that I had unknowingly cross and now was engaged in a cat and mouse game that would span months.
He later said that he noticed me early on, because I was always chatting with the other waitresses and I was so raw and honest, the way I talked about my sexuality and life in general, he knew we played in the same playground.
On my end, I just liked to stand back and watch him, born and bred in the east bay, he reminded me so much of the people I grew up with...and I had been doing my trailer park odysseus schtick for 7 years in 3 countries and various states by the time I ended up in Vegas...I was road weary and homesick...he was my home away from home...I just liked to watch...
And I never in a million years thought that the flirting would lead anywhere. I met him and his wife together...fast forward 8 months...I had decided to move back to the bay in August, it was May...Chef and I flirted relentlessly at this point, then one day, my first love-who is VERY much like Chef, showed up out of nowhere...I hadnt seen him in a decade...he was married but had some unresolved feelings for me so he came to my casino to sort it out...I was telling Chef about this and he said
" Well, if you are such a great fuck, no wonder...and by the way, when you say stuff like that...it makes a man wonder"
I laughed and walked away, saying that before I leave Vegas we should play " 30 seconds in the walk-in"...now, I was joking, but sexual acts/drugs being partaken in the walk-in cooler is a totally normal occurrence in bar/ restaurant world ( I had a boss in memphis who said cocktail waitresses exist just so bartenders/chefs didn't have to leave the building to get off)...I have snorted drugs, smoked drugs and have been eagerly manhandled among industrial boxes of mayonnaise and giant buckets of pickles...
random twist of fate and I ended up having to work a double, the second part of my shift, with Chef. I was hostessing and it was really busy, so I started running food and picking up tables to save my fellow compatriots who were going down in flames...I went to pick up soup off the hot line and Chef stops what he is doing to plate up my soup...and I pick up the soup and there is a note, with his number and an invitation he said
" If you can be discreet, we don't have to wait until you leave"
and he gave me his number. I was floored. I had NO IDEA. I felt my face get hot and my stomach traveled all over my body...from my feet to stuck in my throat...and it hit me-this man was married but I..couldn't...help..myself. I had never been with a married man. I never saw myself as "that girl". I had this lifetime original movie idea of the mistress as someone who was weak and didn't feel like she deserved more...and I am a crazy independent gypsy punk rock nihilist douchebag-not a scoop of vanilla ice cream in a glass of warm water...that night, I text him on my break, in turn, giving him my number...
He called me every night for two weeks, and I wouldn't answer. I would answer his texts, but not his calls...I was scared that his voice would make things real...then his wife went out of town...he was supposed to call and didn't...in all honesty, I was relieved. Then he called...it was a monday...and mondays I would get drunk while watching "Intervention"...I invented this drinking game for the show,anytime anyone cried or talked about what an "angel" the now addict was as a child-I would do a shot. I know, I know, I am a sick fuck...he calls and says he has decided that it would be a bad idea for us to get involved...I say, that's fine, no problemo-but he should consider himself a cunt tease...now I was pretty drunk, and didn't take any of it seriously...til he knocked on my door...
He came into my apt. and we just stood there and looked at each other...it was the most bizarre feeling ever...I had never had a sexual ecounter with someone I didn't know or trust. Or that was my boss. Or that was married. I hadn't slept with anyone I didn't know for 7 or more years in almost a decade. Yet here we were...and since I couldn't wrap my brain around what was happening I just wrapped my mouth around his cock-leaving any trace of the brain (no pun intended) behind in favor of the primal. And it was mind blowing...since there weren't emotions attached, since I didn't need him to respect me...since he wasn't on the " long term plan"...I could just let my body seek out his body with out fear...it was liberating...and when we finished, I rolled off him and said
" so what about my laugh"
and he said
" what laugh?"
then slipped away for the night.
I drank wine, straight from the bottle, naked in my kitchen.
The next day we had to work together. I just ignored him. Did my best to act like nothing had happened. And for about 3 weeks, nothing did. In retrospect, I think he was testing me, to see if I would blab at work or get clingy...what he didn't know at the time, is that I was a union salt, salting the casino I was working at-and that I would never put my job or position with the union in jeopardy by getting caught up with management...
Then I started getting scheduled to close as a hostess when he closed on wednesdays. I asked him to drive me home one night. He said he would, but I had to masturbate the whole drive to my place. I told him I would remove my panties and meet him in the Chef's office at close. And so it was, until I left for the Bay...Wednesday nights we would tryst...and towards the end, he started to show himself at work. He would only be in my restaurant when I was working, etc...
But I left. And I thought it would be over, because I thought it was just about me being low hanging fruit. But we started talking all the time...and really connecting as people. He became my friend. I flew back to Vegas for the election, and we had sex...flash forward another 7 months, He has left the casino and he is on a corporate training in Atlanta-I fly down and spend the week with him. Then I just flew back for the 4th of July and we coupled...
Now he and his wife were childhood friends and then they became lovers...he has been married 6 years and with her 12. I believe he loves her truly...but she is home, she is family...and he craves passion...I am the human equivalent of sky diving...I am passionate with hedonist leanings...the cult of dionysus ...would have gladly accepted me if I was O.G ( original greek)
oh, and they swing. He is 29 and she is 31. the only rule is that he doesn't play alone...but I feel like I compliment his marriage, not threaten it. In Atlanta, he came to terms with the fact he had real feelings for me..we decided to end it...but we...can't..we enjoy each other.
I am not sure what to do...here is this person who I get to just have fun with. I don't color outside the lines...I don't want him to leave her or be with me or any of that nonsense...I enjoy the banter, the sex...I enjoy him as he is and she is a part of him.
But I feel like I should care. or end it. or something. Because technically it is immoral. but I feel like we are totally honest and natural with each other. It is a fun little bond to have.
what would you do?
Thursday, August 13, 2009
breakdown in communication
...I am really not sure how to say what I am about to say or what I want to say because...well...you are you- which makes most things difficult (;...and it is a delicate subject as well as a new one for me...okay..here we go...
Sometimes I feel like you forget how we know each other. Sometimes I think you forget about conversations that we have had...Sometimes I feel like the things you tell me are more about you making something true versus it really been the whole truth...like if you speak the words, go through the motions of speaking...the words are magically etched into the brain and feel true...or maybe your truth depends on how hard your dick is...
It is really hard for me when you talk about how Wifey is everything you need. Not because I want to be that for you, but because if that were true I wouldn't be in your life. I think she is everything you want in a wife or what you believe you want...but you need more than her in your life. The cheating? The swinging? I think you make it all about sex, but it is a general sense of passion that you are lacking...And there is nothing wrong than needing more than one person to complete you, I think it is normal...that is why so many relationships end...people have affairs, they grow bored..but when you talk about your perfect relationship with someone who you have had an ongoing sexual relationship it seems in poor taste and kind of silly. I am sure you are content on the whole. I just wish you would recognize that not all your needs are being met...not to me, but to yourself...it is okay...what did you say in Vegas? That you don't lie to yourself more than anybody else? And you act like a tough guy, but you are pretty soft in the middle.Don't counter with the sexual part of our relationship is over. It may be, but that still doesn't change the past.
You question the validity of my relationships because I take solo vacations...or for you to define in any way what is a valid relationship is insulting. You said you have never been faithful to any woman. Even if you never have another solo romp with anyone-you still swing. You have never been completely alone with Wifey...have you? You either cheated or played together. Most people don't have that. Until the drugs came into play in a major way, my relationship with Mr.Gita was very traditional. Actually all of my serious relationships have been very traditional...it hurts my feelings that you don't think a man would want me for anything but sex...I guess haven't shown you much more...
and yeah, the reason I don't illicit the damsel in distress is because I don't put my heart out there. I have a handful of people I truly care about...and unfortunately they are all over the place...I talk too much and am pretty raw...but I am pretty guarded emotionally...all that lioness is to protect the kitten...and it scares me that I may never find a partner in life...at the same time, I don't want to settle...or let the fear of being alone determine my future relationships...I don't want to play games...I value honesty...You have been my biggest risk, on every level...I am really not sure how you slipped past the guards...the exception to every rule.
You probably won't speak to me after reading this. I don't know.
Sometimes I feel like you forget how we know each other. Sometimes I think you forget about conversations that we have had...Sometimes I feel like the things you tell me are more about you making something true versus it really been the whole truth...like if you speak the words, go through the motions of speaking...the words are magically etched into the brain and feel true...or maybe your truth depends on how hard your dick is...
It is really hard for me when you talk about how Wifey is everything you need. Not because I want to be that for you, but because if that were true I wouldn't be in your life. I think she is everything you want in a wife or what you believe you want...but you need more than her in your life. The cheating? The swinging? I think you make it all about sex, but it is a general sense of passion that you are lacking...And there is nothing wrong than needing more than one person to complete you, I think it is normal...that is why so many relationships end...people have affairs, they grow bored..but when you talk about your perfect relationship with someone who you have had an ongoing sexual relationship it seems in poor taste and kind of silly. I am sure you are content on the whole. I just wish you would recognize that not all your needs are being met...not to me, but to yourself...it is okay...what did you say in Vegas? That you don't lie to yourself more than anybody else? And you act like a tough guy, but you are pretty soft in the middle.Don't counter with the sexual part of our relationship is over. It may be, but that still doesn't change the past.
You question the validity of my relationships because I take solo vacations...or for you to define in any way what is a valid relationship is insulting. You said you have never been faithful to any woman. Even if you never have another solo romp with anyone-you still swing. You have never been completely alone with Wifey...have you? You either cheated or played together. Most people don't have that. Until the drugs came into play in a major way, my relationship with Mr.Gita was very traditional. Actually all of my serious relationships have been very traditional...it hurts my feelings that you don't think a man would want me for anything but sex...I guess haven't shown you much more...
and yeah, the reason I don't illicit the damsel in distress is because I don't put my heart out there. I have a handful of people I truly care about...and unfortunately they are all over the place...I talk too much and am pretty raw...but I am pretty guarded emotionally...all that lioness is to protect the kitten...and it scares me that I may never find a partner in life...at the same time, I don't want to settle...or let the fear of being alone determine my future relationships...I don't want to play games...I value honesty...You have been my biggest risk, on every level...I am really not sure how you slipped past the guards...the exception to every rule.
You probably won't speak to me after reading this. I don't know.
Saturday, July 18, 2009
I don't know what drudged up your ghosts or necessarily which ghosts they were...and I don't know the person you were then either...but I know you now...atleast in parts...the roughneck,the little girl...the dreamer, the asshole...I know you well enough to know that sometimes you are your own eclipse,standing between the light and your world-casting only shadows...and from where I stand, looking through a pinhole in a cardboard box-I can see your outline and imagine much of what lives in the middle.
and these ghosts that haunt you, this blood on your hands...they are just rings in your tree...because as much as we joke about you being the devil himself...you are as about as human as they come... passionate and good...selfish and numb...which has been bittersweet for me...you are like an Indian fig...difficult to reach, dangerous to touch-but delicate and sweet on the inside.( and they can save your life if you are lost in the desert)
I am sorry that you are hurting...wish I could do more to help...
but if you believe that God is a bearded chess player then he has to hae an opponent...you can't play chess alone...and if his opponent is Satan, who was his favorite angel before falling from grace...then you kinda have to accept that they are in stalemate....cuz eternity is a long time for a single game of chess...both sides having lost the same amount of pieces, having made the same amount moves...and maybe you have been lost somewhere in the middle...the rook takes a pawn...a pawn takes the bishop...or maybe they are constantly winning and losing the matches, but neither one can break the tie...
You aren't alone, baby. we are all out in the thick of it, making it up as we go along...just take away what you can, and wait for a rematch...maybe this time you will stay on the board.
and I am here. and I love you, unconditionally...you have changed the way I see so many things, myself included...and as twisted as things are, I wouldn't trade you for anything, not even some magic beans (: and you aren't an easy road to travel and it hurts sometimes, and not in a good way...but I feel better knowing that you can call me- I think you need someone outside your life that you can talk to, and isn't afraid to call you out on your bullshit.
queen takes king...checkmate?
and these ghosts that haunt you, this blood on your hands...they are just rings in your tree...because as much as we joke about you being the devil himself...you are as about as human as they come... passionate and good...selfish and numb...which has been bittersweet for me...you are like an Indian fig...difficult to reach, dangerous to touch-but delicate and sweet on the inside.( and they can save your life if you are lost in the desert)
I am sorry that you are hurting...wish I could do more to help...
but if you believe that God is a bearded chess player then he has to hae an opponent...you can't play chess alone...and if his opponent is Satan, who was his favorite angel before falling from grace...then you kinda have to accept that they are in stalemate....cuz eternity is a long time for a single game of chess...both sides having lost the same amount of pieces, having made the same amount moves...and maybe you have been lost somewhere in the middle...the rook takes a pawn...a pawn takes the bishop...or maybe they are constantly winning and losing the matches, but neither one can break the tie...
You aren't alone, baby. we are all out in the thick of it, making it up as we go along...just take away what you can, and wait for a rematch...maybe this time you will stay on the board.
and I am here. and I love you, unconditionally...you have changed the way I see so many things, myself included...and as twisted as things are, I wouldn't trade you for anything, not even some magic beans (: and you aren't an easy road to travel and it hurts sometimes, and not in a good way...but I feel better knowing that you can call me- I think you need someone outside your life that you can talk to, and isn't afraid to call you out on your bullshit.
queen takes king...checkmate?
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Dear J letter
You...cocky, selfish, sexy, funny funny funny...my sometimes friend, sometimes lover-though generally not at the same time or in the same state...I love you, I despise you,I crave you, I curse you, I want to fuck you or kill you depending on the phase of the moon...
You,just you...
And by the time you read this, you will be almost within earshot and as far away as if you were still in Vegas...and it has tore me up inside trying to renconcile that this week...
I know my place. I knew from day one there were rules and limitations-welcomed them...but now I am confused... I trust you as a friend...my heart is in it-I let you in between my ears-not just between my legs..something I never planned on doing-and I am still not sure why...I fucking KNOW better...my friends, true friends, mean so much to me...they are my family, my core...my home wherever I am...and you, you are...what you are...and you are wonderful, flawed, twisted, vulnerable...a husband, a bastard, the best and the worst of what is out there...and standing back, before we were even close...I would just watch, smile as you moved through a room, different stories... making everyone laugh...and I would watch as you sized people up...I recognized that in you early on, that we were similar in that way...that we had our eyes on the corners, always on the hustle...keeping the soft bits safe...
Oh, and those soft bits, and the tough parts...the chewy bits and the parts that melt in my mouth...what a wild ride it has been...from that first night you showed up at my apt...and, I,drunk and nervous and not knowing where it was all headed...continued to drink wine straight from a bottle, naked in my kitchen...and so it was...wednesday night masturbation...election night ass fucking...lotsa n lotsa phonecam...Atlanta...where I guess you could say, for the first time, we really got naked...and the last time we were together, I was on my knees looking up at you, and you smacked me...but the way you looked down at me-it was different...I'd crossed through the 4th wall, I wasn't just some fuck and neither one of us could fake that anymore...
And I guess I have been lashing out at you...partly out of genuine frustration...and partly because I feel out of control. I am not sure what to do or where to put you...I don't like the fact that we are friends but there are still rules...as your whore-fine, I get it Daddy, fuck me spit on me-I don't care...this is your game to play...but it isn't just a game anymore for me...and you aren't just my friend, and you aren't my boyfriend...you aren't even just the average friend with benefits...there is nothing about us that I can wrap my head around anymore...and it makes me someone I don't recognize...I am not the girl to chase a man or cling to a man or throw tantrums...and I have been feeling elements of all of that lately...maybe because you are such an alpha-you bring out my beta...but pride, Daddy, good ol' hubris-makes that an impossible state for me to live in...almost as impossible as Nevada...
So where do we go from here? Do we walk away, cease all contact? You invited me to a party where you will be with your wife...do you think that would be comfortable for either of us? really? In my mind, I could do it...because-hell, what do I care? But if I were to be honest with myself, It would be difficult...because I am not a bad person, and knowing that I had slept with her her husband, I would probably feel guilty...
I liked you better before I liked you.
just. no.
Amicitiae nostrae memoriam spero sempiternam fore
You,just you...
And by the time you read this, you will be almost within earshot and as far away as if you were still in Vegas...and it has tore me up inside trying to renconcile that this week...
I know my place. I knew from day one there were rules and limitations-welcomed them...but now I am confused... I trust you as a friend...my heart is in it-I let you in between my ears-not just between my legs..something I never planned on doing-and I am still not sure why...I fucking KNOW better...my friends, true friends, mean so much to me...they are my family, my core...my home wherever I am...and you, you are...what you are...and you are wonderful, flawed, twisted, vulnerable...a husband, a bastard, the best and the worst of what is out there...and standing back, before we were even close...I would just watch, smile as you moved through a room, different stories... making everyone laugh...and I would watch as you sized people up...I recognized that in you early on, that we were similar in that way...that we had our eyes on the corners, always on the hustle...keeping the soft bits safe...
Oh, and those soft bits, and the tough parts...the chewy bits and the parts that melt in my mouth...what a wild ride it has been...from that first night you showed up at my apt...and, I,drunk and nervous and not knowing where it was all headed...continued to drink wine straight from a bottle, naked in my kitchen...and so it was...wednesday night masturbation...election night ass fucking...lotsa n lotsa phonecam...Atlanta...where I guess you could say, for the first time, we really got naked...and the last time we were together, I was on my knees looking up at you, and you smacked me...but the way you looked down at me-it was different...I'd crossed through the 4th wall, I wasn't just some fuck and neither one of us could fake that anymore...
And I guess I have been lashing out at you...partly out of genuine frustration...and partly because I feel out of control. I am not sure what to do or where to put you...I don't like the fact that we are friends but there are still rules...as your whore-fine, I get it Daddy, fuck me spit on me-I don't care...this is your game to play...but it isn't just a game anymore for me...and you aren't just my friend, and you aren't my boyfriend...you aren't even just the average friend with benefits...there is nothing about us that I can wrap my head around anymore...and it makes me someone I don't recognize...I am not the girl to chase a man or cling to a man or throw tantrums...and I have been feeling elements of all of that lately...maybe because you are such an alpha-you bring out my beta...but pride, Daddy, good ol' hubris-makes that an impossible state for me to live in...almost as impossible as Nevada...
So where do we go from here? Do we walk away, cease all contact? You invited me to a party where you will be with your wife...do you think that would be comfortable for either of us? really? In my mind, I could do it...because-hell, what do I care? But if I were to be honest with myself, It would be difficult...because I am not a bad person, and knowing that I had slept with her her husband, I would probably feel guilty...
I liked you better before I liked you.
just. no.
Amicitiae nostrae memoriam spero sempiternam fore
Friday, May 22, 2009
Sunday, May 17, 2009
Chronicles of Roughneck and Gypsy...
I don't know what this is I am feeling, I just know I am a fucking mess...
I went to Atlanta thinking that V. would have to come to terms with what we had become, that I wasn't just some zipless fuck. It never occured to me that it would be a game changer for me, that I would have to face the fact I have some serious and conflicted feelings for this person...
And it was shocking...I haven't been able to access any real emotion about anything or anyone in a long time...and with V. I have kept the different facets of our relationship separate...I have kept all of my feelings close and between the lines...then in atlanta, we took a shower together and all of a sudden I looked at him and saw for the first time what was in front me...and it scared the shit out of me...Here was this soapy naked man kissing me, holding me...being...INTIMATE...which would be scary on its own...intimacy...but then add my own emotional nudity coupled with the screaming reality that this man is someone's husband...man...rude awakenings for all parties except for the ones in the dark...
So we tussled over morality for the rest of the trip...and talked laughed enjoyed each other...what I expected to be a sleazy lost weekend turned into us really connecting as people, clothes on...and I like him better that way-dressed and laughing...I like him for who he is and how he makes me feel and it feels reckless.
And I am sad, because I have to let him go...I don't know if we can truly be friends, or if I can accept friendship on his terms...in Atlanta, we couldn't take pictures together-because he didn't want any evidence that we were together...and that really hurt me...I never minded being his dirty little secret until now because the sexual part of our relationship is what we focused on-but as his friend, if that is now the focus, it hurts to be kept in the periphery.
And he introduced me to people from his company when we were in Atlanta...though he prefaced my presence as coincidental-what happens when one of them asks about me in front of his wife...she knows who I am-but as V.'s employee...and if she finds out I was in Atlanta and he didn't mention it? How is that going to look?
Speaking of his wife...he talked about their relationship in great detail and I felt it was disrespectful to her as well as to me...He was using her to put distance between us and it sucked. You can use words to communicate an idea, or they can be hurled like stones or in the case of V., he just dropped them between us, creating a wall...I just don't feel that expressing your undying love and devotion to your wife with the chick you have been fucking for the last year is kosher....like he needs to keep separate plates and sinks for that shit.
But I also get that he isn't good at articulating feelings, issues etc...and he also was dealing with some serious feelings of guilt and could express them with me, his friend...because that is how we have operated, the separate facets...etc...and intellectually, I am glad that I could be there-help him work through things...but fuck, what about me? I blame myself for acting like such a tough guy all the time, like things just roll off my back-cuz they don't. And he knows it, on some level...at dinner one night, he told his co-worker that : " she may act like a dude about stuff, but she can be a tenderfoot"...
Maybe that is the big question in all of this..."what about me?"
He has dragged his wife through hell and back....and she stands by him...he made life pretty difficult for me and I stand by him...I think he needs, needs alot and doesn't like it, sees it as weakness...and lashes out...I am sad for that.
ugh.
"I'm never sure when the truth won't doI'm pretty good on a lonely night,I move on the way a storm blows through,I never stay, but then again, I might,I struggle sometimes to find the words,always sure until I doubt,walk a line until it blurs,build walls too high to climb out,but I'm honest to a fault, it's just who I am,I'm better as a memory than as your man" -K. Chesney
I went to Atlanta thinking that V. would have to come to terms with what we had become, that I wasn't just some zipless fuck. It never occured to me that it would be a game changer for me, that I would have to face the fact I have some serious and conflicted feelings for this person...
And it was shocking...I haven't been able to access any real emotion about anything or anyone in a long time...and with V. I have kept the different facets of our relationship separate...I have kept all of my feelings close and between the lines...then in atlanta, we took a shower together and all of a sudden I looked at him and saw for the first time what was in front me...and it scared the shit out of me...Here was this soapy naked man kissing me, holding me...being...INTIMATE...which would be scary on its own...intimacy...but then add my own emotional nudity coupled with the screaming reality that this man is someone's husband...man...rude awakenings for all parties except for the ones in the dark...
So we tussled over morality for the rest of the trip...and talked laughed enjoyed each other...what I expected to be a sleazy lost weekend turned into us really connecting as people, clothes on...and I like him better that way-dressed and laughing...I like him for who he is and how he makes me feel and it feels reckless.
And I am sad, because I have to let him go...I don't know if we can truly be friends, or if I can accept friendship on his terms...in Atlanta, we couldn't take pictures together-because he didn't want any evidence that we were together...and that really hurt me...I never minded being his dirty little secret until now because the sexual part of our relationship is what we focused on-but as his friend, if that is now the focus, it hurts to be kept in the periphery.
And he introduced me to people from his company when we were in Atlanta...though he prefaced my presence as coincidental-what happens when one of them asks about me in front of his wife...she knows who I am-but as V.'s employee...and if she finds out I was in Atlanta and he didn't mention it? How is that going to look?
Speaking of his wife...he talked about their relationship in great detail and I felt it was disrespectful to her as well as to me...He was using her to put distance between us and it sucked. You can use words to communicate an idea, or they can be hurled like stones or in the case of V., he just dropped them between us, creating a wall...I just don't feel that expressing your undying love and devotion to your wife with the chick you have been fucking for the last year is kosher....like he needs to keep separate plates and sinks for that shit.
But I also get that he isn't good at articulating feelings, issues etc...and he also was dealing with some serious feelings of guilt and could express them with me, his friend...because that is how we have operated, the separate facets...etc...and intellectually, I am glad that I could be there-help him work through things...but fuck, what about me? I blame myself for acting like such a tough guy all the time, like things just roll off my back-cuz they don't. And he knows it, on some level...at dinner one night, he told his co-worker that : " she may act like a dude about stuff, but she can be a tenderfoot"...
Maybe that is the big question in all of this..."what about me?"
He has dragged his wife through hell and back....and she stands by him...he made life pretty difficult for me and I stand by him...I think he needs, needs alot and doesn't like it, sees it as weakness...and lashes out...I am sad for that.
ugh.
"I'm never sure when the truth won't doI'm pretty good on a lonely night,I move on the way a storm blows through,I never stay, but then again, I might,I struggle sometimes to find the words,always sure until I doubt,walk a line until it blurs,build walls too high to climb out,but I'm honest to a fault, it's just who I am,I'm better as a memory than as your man" -K. Chesney
Saturday, May 2, 2009
Getting on a plane...
I am jumping. I am doing it. I want to see, touch, taste...FEEL...I need to know what is really happening...I hope I am wrong.
Sunday, April 19, 2009
and I was wrong
So I have this problem where I think that rules don't apply to me... mostly because often I come to the table without them in ..It is partly hubris, partly nihilist and generally a whole lotta stupid...stuck between a cock and a selfish place...or packed up and on the road....running running running...This is where I find myself now.
I fucked up. Masterfully.Somehow I talked myself into thinking that sleeping with someone else's husband wasn't a problem, that it was sex, just sex...that I meant nothing to him and him to me...that my relationship with him was honest raw real...And maybe it is. Fuck. I don't know anymore.
He has come to me vulnerable lately and it hit me that I wasn't just some fuck buddy to him, that I have a place in his life, that I fulfill something not fulfilled by his marriage. I think that he loves his wife and is happy in his marriage-overall...but there is a part of him that craves freedom and I represent that. I ramble. He made a decision years ago that his wife was worth standing still for. When I was in the situation to make the same decision-I chose the road. Part of me laments the loss of a great love-but damn, I love motion...and I have collected an interesting stable of horses along the way.. The sex between us was collateral...I think he can rationalize sex outside his relationship but not a relationship outside his relationship. He needs something that is just his and doesn't understand what that means or how to get in another way, so he takes it, selfishly.
And he hit the motherlode with me. We met at the most perfect time. I was broken, emotionally incapable of anything substantial, horny and a million miles away from anywhere or anyone I could call home...and he was perfect, born and bred in the east bay...funny, familiar...he was what I craved...sexy, strong the archetypal alpha...and I liked to sit back and watch...enjoy him for what he was, I required nothing of him...he could be who he wanted with me-I wasn't his wife or family...there were no expectations. I told him I didn't care if everything he told me was a lie, that within lies there is truth...That he could play this game however he wanted, that I was there when he needed me and gone when he didnt...It was sex, it was a power exchange...it was hot hot hot.
And I meant it.I never thought his interest in me was beyond the fact I was low hanging fruit...I had always assumed he had a harem of women...but he doesn't. There is his wife and his sancha...that's it. Currently sex isn't even possible between us, it has been about 6 months...but we are in constant contact
...Sigh.
I don't know what to do or this is even a real situation. He may feel nothing. I may be misreading his cues. But looking back, it seems as if I completely misjudged the game...that said, I have spent so much time not feeling anything for him, I don't think I can...and I should...at this point I have to take some responibility for him emotionally and figure out what is the safest next step. I just feel anxiety
......fuck.
I fucked up. Masterfully.Somehow I talked myself into thinking that sleeping with someone else's husband wasn't a problem, that it was sex, just sex...that I meant nothing to him and him to me...that my relationship with him was honest raw real...And maybe it is. Fuck. I don't know anymore.
He has come to me vulnerable lately and it hit me that I wasn't just some fuck buddy to him, that I have a place in his life, that I fulfill something not fulfilled by his marriage. I think that he loves his wife and is happy in his marriage-overall...but there is a part of him that craves freedom and I represent that. I ramble. He made a decision years ago that his wife was worth standing still for. When I was in the situation to make the same decision-I chose the road. Part of me laments the loss of a great love-but damn, I love motion...and I have collected an interesting stable of horses along the way.. The sex between us was collateral...I think he can rationalize sex outside his relationship but not a relationship outside his relationship. He needs something that is just his and doesn't understand what that means or how to get in another way, so he takes it, selfishly.
And he hit the motherlode with me. We met at the most perfect time. I was broken, emotionally incapable of anything substantial, horny and a million miles away from anywhere or anyone I could call home...and he was perfect, born and bred in the east bay...funny, familiar...he was what I craved...sexy, strong the archetypal alpha...and I liked to sit back and watch...enjoy him for what he was, I required nothing of him...he could be who he wanted with me-I wasn't his wife or family...there were no expectations. I told him I didn't care if everything he told me was a lie, that within lies there is truth...That he could play this game however he wanted, that I was there when he needed me and gone when he didnt...It was sex, it was a power exchange...it was hot hot hot.
And I meant it.I never thought his interest in me was beyond the fact I was low hanging fruit...I had always assumed he had a harem of women...but he doesn't. There is his wife and his sancha...that's it. Currently sex isn't even possible between us, it has been about 6 months...but we are in constant contact
...Sigh.
I don't know what to do or this is even a real situation. He may feel nothing. I may be misreading his cues. But looking back, it seems as if I completely misjudged the game...that said, I have spent so much time not feeling anything for him, I don't think I can...and I should...at this point I have to take some responibility for him emotionally and figure out what is the safest next step. I just feel anxiety
......fuck.
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