bruciano
i miei ponti ,
le città
gli stranieri,passegeri
sono stesi insieme
2 lingue diverse
parole,come dita
toccano le labbra
in un atto di possesso
tu,
una lotta,
tu,come il mondo, girando
binario 11,
il treno è partito
la pioggia
un vestito ho indossata
tu una satellite,
nudo,
una mappa dell'universo
il tuo corpo, steso davanti a me
Italia,
un schiena storta
di pietre lisce e deformi
un scheletro di terra
che si muove sotto il mare
e tu,
come il tuo paese,
corrotto, sensuale, in fiore,
eri poco più di un espressione geografica,
ti ho preso
tra le mie mani
esplorando
America,
una bocca spalancata,
di carne e campi
mille lingue che si muovano tra i denti
io, come il mio paese,
promiscua, impulsiva,isolata,
ero esperta dell'arte della guerra
ero incallita
mi hai rotto
uomo-bambino, tempesta
con gli occhi chiusi
mi hai detto you said"balla sopra di me"
ed io,
mi sono mossa, alla musica, su di te over
lentamente,memorizzando la tua musica,
campi zingari, l'odore della tua pelle
La periferia stendendo nelle tue braccia
stavo
svegliando dragoni che dormivano nascosti nelle facciate dei palazzi
ti stavo consumando e mi consumava
perchè
L'amore può in una vita
construirti
castelli di sabbia
case di carte
una vera casa... ma
La passione può
in un momento
bruciarti e bruciare tutto
fino al suolo
consumandoti,respirandoti,toccandoti
sotto le pelle
mentre
parole come dita
toccavano le labbra
in un atto di possesso (sapendo che non avrei mai potuto e era come tutti i miei pontibruciavano trane quello che ti portava via...)
i ragazzini lasciano senza pensare ciò che gli uomini cercano per tutta la vita...
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Thursday, July 29, 2010
I Can't Stop You
I can't stop you,from hurting you or anyone else, never have been or could. I know that the best I can do is be there when you need me, to sort through the fall-out or to somehow cushion your fall...(I am soft...but you know that (;)
But when you were talking about the new girl, and how you were " on a high"...it got me looking back at some other conversations that we have had or things that even we have gone through together...
I think you have felt that high to some degree with many of the girls you have tangled with...the major difference with this girl probably is less about her ( because it has only been a short while) and more about the fact for the first time in over a decade-you can feel close to someone and not feel guilty...I mean you talked about the girl you had the emotional affair with at the Rio...you told me that there was something between you and Sam, but you were married...God, you and I went through it last summer/fall...the fresno trip leading into my stay at the Silverton...you said before I came out and stayed at the Silverton you were "excited like your girlfriend was coming to see you at college" and quickly said you couldn't have that in your life. And I am sure there was some moment like that with the girl you were seeing up until recently-but she came into your life before Mel moved out-so maybe on some level that twisted things in your mind...they may all feel different, but they come from the same place. like coke feels different than smack, but they are both bad for you.
I think the high comes from your need to be needed. You need to be needed and then when someone's need for you becomes too much you leave, act out, cheat...but you have to have that in your life. You need the picture complete. House, dog, truck, job, woman aka "country song"...
and I stand by what I say, if you don't take time, every woman you meet is m, because you build a life with them and then lament the freedom you don't have. If you have tricked yourself into believing the "right girl" will tame you...well, then you are a bigger dickbag than I thought. Until you explore you, YOU,not you in reference to another person-you will keep on living out the same patterns. Like I said last night, two people who just came out of marriages, one who cheated and one who was cheated on...find themselves falling in love? Um, are you fucking serious? I am sure she is pretty shiny new package, but essentially very comfortable for you...because she is attracted to men who cheat. One cheater? statistically that could happen. The next guy she falls for is a cheater? You don't need a psych degree to crack that code.
And you are stuck in your patterns as well... when you were in your marriage, we were in constant contact-I gave you that rush that you needed...when you had the freedom to find that attention elsewhere-you did, but even though your relationships with the other girls are different than how we have ever been-your pattern is the same. It cracked me up when you talked about waking up and texting her, then calling in the afternoon...I thought to myself, " He doesn't even realize that he is keeping the same damn pattern-thats how he was with me"...
And who knows. I could be wrong. Fuck, for your sake, I hope I am...I just want you to stop being so scared of you. I think I know you better than just about anyone, and I see so much good in you. I see this genuine, funny, sexy, silly, VULNERABLE boy who is so caught up in being the ideal man that he keeps fucking it up. You tell me to let you just live out your path, but fuck ,you won't allow yourself the freedom to just find what feels natural...you determine your path by what feels normal, or what you think looks good from the outside...that isn't what's natural...we talked so much about the things you would do if you were single when you were still with M...from taking a motorcycle and disappearing for awhile to going up to alaska...and though I don't advocate that you abandon responsibility and go off the grid...you do have vacation time-and you should take it...YOU, alone, not with some girl-I don't care how crushed out you are.
And that bullshit last night, where you said " I will just tell her I am a waste of HER time" WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF LIFETIME ORIGINAL MOVIE SOAP OPERA SHIT IS THAT? seriously? Either you have no self-esteem or you are trying to illicit some response from her. either way it is gross and you are bigger than that. and if you aren't? then you will be a waste of everyone's time, including your own until you are bigger than that.
Look at it this way...the part of you that is emotionally connected to me, dare I say NEEDS me, is the part of you that needs more than what you are comfortable with...that exists outside the country song, is restless...and I am a safe place because I don't give a fuck about all the bullshit, I just see YOU...I mean, who did you call last night when you were feeling down? Me...so if you want me out of your life, you got get right with you. Otherwise, you will forever be the booger I can't off my finger, and I will always be there, reminding you of those parts you are neglecting...
And love, true love...comes from time and weathering someone...what you feel after a month is all oxytocin ( it is them chemical we release when we touch each other...it leads to bonding...so if you touch someone alot...the chemical bond deepens)...and that love never is as shiny or feels as intense as that dreamy early period...but don't let yourself fall into a situation that you aren't ready for.
I look forward to the next time we meet. Just make sure you bring peanutbutter cups.
But when you were talking about the new girl, and how you were " on a high"...it got me looking back at some other conversations that we have had or things that even we have gone through together...
I think you have felt that high to some degree with many of the girls you have tangled with...the major difference with this girl probably is less about her ( because it has only been a short while) and more about the fact for the first time in over a decade-you can feel close to someone and not feel guilty...I mean you talked about the girl you had the emotional affair with at the Rio...you told me that there was something between you and Sam, but you were married...God, you and I went through it last summer/fall...the fresno trip leading into my stay at the Silverton...you said before I came out and stayed at the Silverton you were "excited like your girlfriend was coming to see you at college" and quickly said you couldn't have that in your life. And I am sure there was some moment like that with the girl you were seeing up until recently-but she came into your life before Mel moved out-so maybe on some level that twisted things in your mind...they may all feel different, but they come from the same place. like coke feels different than smack, but they are both bad for you.
I think the high comes from your need to be needed. You need to be needed and then when someone's need for you becomes too much you leave, act out, cheat...but you have to have that in your life. You need the picture complete. House, dog, truck, job, woman aka "country song"...
and I stand by what I say, if you don't take time, every woman you meet is m, because you build a life with them and then lament the freedom you don't have. If you have tricked yourself into believing the "right girl" will tame you...well, then you are a bigger dickbag than I thought. Until you explore you, YOU,not you in reference to another person-you will keep on living out the same patterns. Like I said last night, two people who just came out of marriages, one who cheated and one who was cheated on...find themselves falling in love? Um, are you fucking serious? I am sure she is pretty shiny new package, but essentially very comfortable for you...because she is attracted to men who cheat. One cheater? statistically that could happen. The next guy she falls for is a cheater? You don't need a psych degree to crack that code.
And you are stuck in your patterns as well... when you were in your marriage, we were in constant contact-I gave you that rush that you needed...when you had the freedom to find that attention elsewhere-you did, but even though your relationships with the other girls are different than how we have ever been-your pattern is the same. It cracked me up when you talked about waking up and texting her, then calling in the afternoon...I thought to myself, " He doesn't even realize that he is keeping the same damn pattern-thats how he was with me"...
And who knows. I could be wrong. Fuck, for your sake, I hope I am...I just want you to stop being so scared of you. I think I know you better than just about anyone, and I see so much good in you. I see this genuine, funny, sexy, silly, VULNERABLE boy who is so caught up in being the ideal man that he keeps fucking it up. You tell me to let you just live out your path, but fuck ,you won't allow yourself the freedom to just find what feels natural...you determine your path by what feels normal, or what you think looks good from the outside...that isn't what's natural...we talked so much about the things you would do if you were single when you were still with M...from taking a motorcycle and disappearing for awhile to going up to alaska...and though I don't advocate that you abandon responsibility and go off the grid...you do have vacation time-and you should take it...YOU, alone, not with some girl-I don't care how crushed out you are.
And that bullshit last night, where you said " I will just tell her I am a waste of HER time" WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF LIFETIME ORIGINAL MOVIE SOAP OPERA SHIT IS THAT? seriously? Either you have no self-esteem or you are trying to illicit some response from her. either way it is gross and you are bigger than that. and if you aren't? then you will be a waste of everyone's time, including your own until you are bigger than that.
Look at it this way...the part of you that is emotionally connected to me, dare I say NEEDS me, is the part of you that needs more than what you are comfortable with...that exists outside the country song, is restless...and I am a safe place because I don't give a fuck about all the bullshit, I just see YOU...I mean, who did you call last night when you were feeling down? Me...so if you want me out of your life, you got get right with you. Otherwise, you will forever be the booger I can't off my finger, and I will always be there, reminding you of those parts you are neglecting...
And love, true love...comes from time and weathering someone...what you feel after a month is all oxytocin ( it is them chemical we release when we touch each other...it leads to bonding...so if you touch someone alot...the chemical bond deepens)...and that love never is as shiny or feels as intense as that dreamy early period...but don't let yourself fall into a situation that you aren't ready for.
I look forward to the next time we meet. Just make sure you bring peanutbutter cups.
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
my black swan stares down 30
So you are, for all intents and purposes-30. You are entering a new decade and a new phase in your life-you belong to you, for the first time, really-and you have already expressed both fear and relief...Happy Birthday,Daddy....
But I want you to remember, there is a difference between where you have been, what you have done, who you are and who you will be. I don't like hearing you say you ARE a womanizing piece of shit...you definitely have been one, a prolific one at that- but that doesn't mean that is who you are. You don't know yourself well enough to know that yet. You require ALOT of attention, whether you realize it or not. Maybe part of that is not ever getting what you want or knowing how to get what you want from people in your life. Also, not allowing yourself to really connect emotionally to people leads to more shallow encounters-which makes it easy to collect a harem. I think you have choosen people that support your comfortable patterns of behavior...i get the sense you have just been on autopilot for years. You and your country song soundtrack, spending too much time and investing too much life into other people's perceptions.
Now you can change that. Or atleast better understand that...you never have to be selfish in a relationship again, because you have the opportunity to be honest-because if you are honest you don't have to live in a fractured mirror ...so stop bad mouthing my friend by putting yourself down. Give yourself a fucking chance for once. I mean, you have pretty much done every shitty thing you can do to another person, seriously-and you don't feel good about it...you have seen the worst of you and hopefully with time and you really looking at where you have been, you can put the demons to rest or atleast figure out how to satisfy those parts of you in a way that doesn't hurt other people.
And you may decide, you like having the different parts of your life not touch and that is fine as well. If that is who you are, then own it, don't feel bad about it. Fuck, who is to say that your way isn't the right and best way for you to live? In the time that we have known each other, I have seen your whites and blacks and most every shade of grey-if only in flashes, if only for the time it took you to cum and hit the door.And while you can be a world class fuckhole, there are some genuinely sweet parts of you-and for once i am not talking about your cock (thinking about it, yes, but not referring to it). But mostly with you i have seen the primal: flight response, fear, fucking...anger...alot of fear, actually. distance comes from fear, anger comes from fear...anything that is strong enough to hurt you can heal you. remember that before you make your next move in that chess game...and just because you sacrificed your queen, doesn't mean you destabilized the board. Pawns can become queens, mind your pawns and strengthen your game.
love you. mean it.
But I want you to remember, there is a difference between where you have been, what you have done, who you are and who you will be. I don't like hearing you say you ARE a womanizing piece of shit...you definitely have been one, a prolific one at that- but that doesn't mean that is who you are. You don't know yourself well enough to know that yet. You require ALOT of attention, whether you realize it or not. Maybe part of that is not ever getting what you want or knowing how to get what you want from people in your life. Also, not allowing yourself to really connect emotionally to people leads to more shallow encounters-which makes it easy to collect a harem. I think you have choosen people that support your comfortable patterns of behavior...i get the sense you have just been on autopilot for years. You and your country song soundtrack, spending too much time and investing too much life into other people's perceptions.
Now you can change that. Or atleast better understand that...you never have to be selfish in a relationship again, because you have the opportunity to be honest-because if you are honest you don't have to live in a fractured mirror ...so stop bad mouthing my friend by putting yourself down. Give yourself a fucking chance for once. I mean, you have pretty much done every shitty thing you can do to another person, seriously-and you don't feel good about it...you have seen the worst of you and hopefully with time and you really looking at where you have been, you can put the demons to rest or atleast figure out how to satisfy those parts of you in a way that doesn't hurt other people.
And you may decide, you like having the different parts of your life not touch and that is fine as well. If that is who you are, then own it, don't feel bad about it. Fuck, who is to say that your way isn't the right and best way for you to live? In the time that we have known each other, I have seen your whites and blacks and most every shade of grey-if only in flashes, if only for the time it took you to cum and hit the door.And while you can be a world class fuckhole, there are some genuinely sweet parts of you-and for once i am not talking about your cock (thinking about it, yes, but not referring to it). But mostly with you i have seen the primal: flight response, fear, fucking...anger...alot of fear, actually. distance comes from fear, anger comes from fear...anything that is strong enough to hurt you can heal you. remember that before you make your next move in that chess game...and just because you sacrificed your queen, doesn't mean you destabilized the board. Pawns can become queens, mind your pawns and strengthen your game.
love you. mean it.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
country songs
from what I can gather you have this weird country song mindset that you want a woman that "makes you want to be a better man", that you have this idea of what makes a good wife/girlfriend etc and then there is everyone else. All that "better man" bullshit is going to ensure you atleast one more divorce/bitter break-up and/or a lifetime of scumbaggery as you "get your dick wet" on the side in any future relationship you are in-whether it be a year or ten years into your next relationship.
When you talk about your wife or about past relationships, there is always distance there. That distance, the best I can figure, is the difference between what you need and what you have been hardwired to believe that you want. When we were in Atlanta, you talked about how Melanie made a "good wife"...she was loyal and devoted and got you pole beans for your garden while you away. Meanwhile, you were telling all this to me:for lack of a better word-your mistress who you had flown cross country with...and you talked alot in Atlanta about what it meant to be "a man"...but it seemed empty...like part of your idea of being a man was having a solid woman at home and a life that looked good on paper-but didn't require you to be emotionally present at all. Like all your relationships, except for ours, regardless of how serious or casual, have always been you relating to a female in this distant way...where you are the "man" and you tell her what she wants to hear or do what you think she wants and then live a life completely separate to the one you share with her. And while having your own friends and a life away from your partner is healthy, you have a completely separate life...like they wouldn't recognize you if they saw more than what they want to see or what you allow them to see.
And I think that is why you have always run around...and why you may always run around. Passion in any relationship cools...but if you don't connect on a deeper level, it is easy to just go out and fuck someone else and tell yourself it doesn't matter-because it doesn't...the people in your life are just the outlines of people. Your interactions- they are all choreography.
And sitting from where I sit,it just seems so empty. I remember you telling me about sam, about how you respected that she wouldn't hook up with you because you were married...And I remember thinking that she wasn't morally superior,she just needed to be the center of attention. And your approach with her was different, you courted her and you had even said that if you were single there may have been more between you. And I remember thinking-but you weren't single, and you weren't going to leave your wife, so your best case scenario was that you just got to fuck her a few times before you walked away from her and yet, you kinda put me down for respecting your situation and just being honest, and not making things bigger or more important than they were. And I am sure with this new girl and with the next string of girls, you will take them out and tell them what they want to hear, then tell yourself that is how it supposed to be...
all i am saying is that you need to look deep. You said before the last time I was in Vegas you felt like your girlfriend was coming to town, and you were intense with me in bed, emotionally-not just physically...and then you said that your feelings for me threatened your marriage. Look at that. Look at why your relationship with me is different. part of it is because I don't fit into the typical mold. Being a better man is knowing yourself and coming into a relationship a whole person-not that shit you hear in country songs.
Maybe you can't have that closeness with anyone else, I dunno...but look deep. Because I am not going through the shit we have gone through in your next relationship. If you leave your wife and 3 weeks or 3 months or 3 years down the road into your next relationship, you are still sleeping with me-and tell me that your feelings for me are interfering with that relationship, I am going to fly to vegas and kick you in the nuts. because you would have to be a fucking retard to always push to the side the person who you care for.
a marionette with cut strings huh? thats a good one
When you talk about your wife or about past relationships, there is always distance there. That distance, the best I can figure, is the difference between what you need and what you have been hardwired to believe that you want. When we were in Atlanta, you talked about how Melanie made a "good wife"...she was loyal and devoted and got you pole beans for your garden while you away. Meanwhile, you were telling all this to me:for lack of a better word-your mistress who you had flown cross country with...and you talked alot in Atlanta about what it meant to be "a man"...but it seemed empty...like part of your idea of being a man was having a solid woman at home and a life that looked good on paper-but didn't require you to be emotionally present at all. Like all your relationships, except for ours, regardless of how serious or casual, have always been you relating to a female in this distant way...where you are the "man" and you tell her what she wants to hear or do what you think she wants and then live a life completely separate to the one you share with her. And while having your own friends and a life away from your partner is healthy, you have a completely separate life...like they wouldn't recognize you if they saw more than what they want to see or what you allow them to see.
And I think that is why you have always run around...and why you may always run around. Passion in any relationship cools...but if you don't connect on a deeper level, it is easy to just go out and fuck someone else and tell yourself it doesn't matter-because it doesn't...the people in your life are just the outlines of people. Your interactions- they are all choreography.
And sitting from where I sit,it just seems so empty. I remember you telling me about sam, about how you respected that she wouldn't hook up with you because you were married...And I remember thinking that she wasn't morally superior,she just needed to be the center of attention. And your approach with her was different, you courted her and you had even said that if you were single there may have been more between you. And I remember thinking-but you weren't single, and you weren't going to leave your wife, so your best case scenario was that you just got to fuck her a few times before you walked away from her and yet, you kinda put me down for respecting your situation and just being honest, and not making things bigger or more important than they were. And I am sure with this new girl and with the next string of girls, you will take them out and tell them what they want to hear, then tell yourself that is how it supposed to be...
all i am saying is that you need to look deep. You said before the last time I was in Vegas you felt like your girlfriend was coming to town, and you were intense with me in bed, emotionally-not just physically...and then you said that your feelings for me threatened your marriage. Look at that. Look at why your relationship with me is different. part of it is because I don't fit into the typical mold. Being a better man is knowing yourself and coming into a relationship a whole person-not that shit you hear in country songs.
Maybe you can't have that closeness with anyone else, I dunno...but look deep. Because I am not going through the shit we have gone through in your next relationship. If you leave your wife and 3 weeks or 3 months or 3 years down the road into your next relationship, you are still sleeping with me-and tell me that your feelings for me are interfering with that relationship, I am going to fly to vegas and kick you in the nuts. because you would have to be a fucking retard to always push to the side the person who you care for.
a marionette with cut strings huh? thats a good one
Thursday, December 31, 2009
Crazy
So I have been thinking about my meltdown alot...and as scary as it may have been for you, it was WAY more scary for me...I mean, you always have the opportunity of walking away-but me, I am stuck with my crazy ass...
and I don't get it. I am not,nor have I ever been jealous,clingy or possessive. I suck at monogamy and have always had various men in my life. And I know what it means to care deeply for someone and be involved with other people. In every relationship I have ever been in, I have always had my foot out the door...it never meant I didn't love who I was with, I just needed my time. I am lucky that I have been involved with men that let me come and go as I please and don't ask alot of questions (;
The irony of me flipping out at the mention of another girl is sevenfold...because not only is it out of character, when I told you about my latest sexual exploits and you didn't respond-I was worried that something had changed between us or you had gone soft on me...or that you had fallen into the familar trap of the guy that wants the girl when he wants her-and not a moment after-but doesn't want to think of her on the prowl...which, fuck, it happens.
and maybe it is about control. It is always me that does what I want. I define the relationship and I hold the cards. I know where I stand with my friends and lovers and am secure with those relationships...with you I am not. I see you as someone who has one foot out the door and who holds all the cards and even though I know what the means,when you said there was a person of interest I felt like I had been handed my walking papers...especially because you stopped calling me and said you needed space-but were talking to her. Now, I know it's different-flirting with a stranger and dealing with someone who knows you and all your spots...during the rough shit a random hook-up or some harmless flirtation can just quiet the voices. You can enjoy that person and not worry- they are as you are, a clean slate.and like I said when we talked-I really just wanted some time with you before you moved on...and my reaction was totally irrational...trying to wrangle your attention or force you to spend time with me is fucking retarded. I watch girls get sucked into that and laugh. I have never tried to chain someone to me-cuz that chain works both ways and I know with time I will have break free.
These months have been emotional. I am not Mother Fucking Theresa. I had you in a safe place in my mind...and I could be your confidant and be your lover and never get confused about what that meant. But the last time I was in Vegas, I really saw in you that those lines has blurred...and it scared me, then you come to me and tell me your marriage is over and it was like opening pandora's box. Everything I thought and expected from you and about you had changed somehow...I felt like my relationship with you was a reflection of your relationship with her...that whatever part of you needed to be free-you explored that with me and that kept your marriage happy.So thinking of your life without her meant you could walk away from me as well-find something new and shiny-something safe. Also, you were more raw and emotional than I had ever seen you and that stirred up feelings in me as well...If we were never to talk again, I would carry you with me. You mean alot to me.
There is the part of me that sees you for who you are and wants more for you than you even want for yourself-and would sacrifice my own needs to make sure you found your bliss. Then there is the selfish part of me that wants you how I want you when I want you...and I can't even tell you what that means cuz i feel like that changes all the time. I feel like if we lived in the same city, things between us would be simple. We would see each other whenever it felt right. There have been times in these last months that I just wanted to be in the same room with you because it would make sense of the confusion...but with the distance, there is planning and fear that the time I spend with you is out of obligation and not desire.
And speaking of desire...we are emotional cripples and suck at this stuff. I agree that things have been far too messy...lets get back to what we are good at-laughter and orgasms and fuck the rest. I miss that sweetness.
and I don't get it. I am not,nor have I ever been jealous,clingy or possessive. I suck at monogamy and have always had various men in my life. And I know what it means to care deeply for someone and be involved with other people. In every relationship I have ever been in, I have always had my foot out the door...it never meant I didn't love who I was with, I just needed my time. I am lucky that I have been involved with men that let me come and go as I please and don't ask alot of questions (;
The irony of me flipping out at the mention of another girl is sevenfold...because not only is it out of character, when I told you about my latest sexual exploits and you didn't respond-I was worried that something had changed between us or you had gone soft on me...or that you had fallen into the familar trap of the guy that wants the girl when he wants her-and not a moment after-but doesn't want to think of her on the prowl...which, fuck, it happens.
and maybe it is about control. It is always me that does what I want. I define the relationship and I hold the cards. I know where I stand with my friends and lovers and am secure with those relationships...with you I am not. I see you as someone who has one foot out the door and who holds all the cards and even though I know what the means,when you said there was a person of interest I felt like I had been handed my walking papers...especially because you stopped calling me and said you needed space-but were talking to her. Now, I know it's different-flirting with a stranger and dealing with someone who knows you and all your spots...during the rough shit a random hook-up or some harmless flirtation can just quiet the voices. You can enjoy that person and not worry- they are as you are, a clean slate.and like I said when we talked-I really just wanted some time with you before you moved on...and my reaction was totally irrational...trying to wrangle your attention or force you to spend time with me is fucking retarded. I watch girls get sucked into that and laugh. I have never tried to chain someone to me-cuz that chain works both ways and I know with time I will have break free.
These months have been emotional. I am not Mother Fucking Theresa. I had you in a safe place in my mind...and I could be your confidant and be your lover and never get confused about what that meant. But the last time I was in Vegas, I really saw in you that those lines has blurred...and it scared me, then you come to me and tell me your marriage is over and it was like opening pandora's box. Everything I thought and expected from you and about you had changed somehow...I felt like my relationship with you was a reflection of your relationship with her...that whatever part of you needed to be free-you explored that with me and that kept your marriage happy.So thinking of your life without her meant you could walk away from me as well-find something new and shiny-something safe. Also, you were more raw and emotional than I had ever seen you and that stirred up feelings in me as well...If we were never to talk again, I would carry you with me. You mean alot to me.
There is the part of me that sees you for who you are and wants more for you than you even want for yourself-and would sacrifice my own needs to make sure you found your bliss. Then there is the selfish part of me that wants you how I want you when I want you...and I can't even tell you what that means cuz i feel like that changes all the time. I feel like if we lived in the same city, things between us would be simple. We would see each other whenever it felt right. There have been times in these last months that I just wanted to be in the same room with you because it would make sense of the confusion...but with the distance, there is planning and fear that the time I spend with you is out of obligation and not desire.
And speaking of desire...we are emotional cripples and suck at this stuff. I agree that things have been far too messy...lets get back to what we are good at-laughter and orgasms and fuck the rest. I miss that sweetness.
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
leaving a light on
I have been telling you that we should just be honest, live in the moment-shower, fuck,kiss, laugh-whatever, then go back to our lives. I have been good about keeping things in perspective-you are married, you live in Vegas...whatever the fuck we are, it is what it is...and I never felt like my relationship with you stood in the way of me meeting someone else...now I am not so sure. I don't want to fuck anyone else. I am not interested in other guys...which is weird because I have cheated on all my boyfriends, and I am always prowling.
When I meet other guys,interact with them on that "dating/flirty" level-it makes you more important. For all your faults and Colt Ford mp3s, you just charm the fuck out of me. I love what you are and aren't, both to me and in general. And you are important to me. As time passes, that importance grows. You take up more space in my heart and thoughts. I wouldn't care except the distance is beginning to bother me. Though intellectually I accept that we live in different states and generally prefer things that way-lately I have really wished I lived closer. That is scary for me. Especially because I don't think we are on the same page about that.
Which leads to my second concern. For the longest time my daydreams about you involved fucking or ravioli making. (which looks really odd in print)...now I imagine us doing normal stuff, then fucking...laughing over dinner and tearing each other apart in the parking lot-not even making it home...going to a country bar, shooting whiskey then going home and fucking like animals until we pass out-sweaty and exhausted...And that is ridiculous, we can't even leave my room in Vegas. At this point I don't even think we could have a beer with Chris or Brenda-because we are far closer than we should be by their accounts-and to be around other people would be weird. Either we would be uncomfortable with trying not to act too comfortable-or we would be to comfortable and add fuel to the fire.
And the fact you said you can't see us together makes me think we are on different planets. I mean, I am sure you can't see yourself with anyone at this point-including your current partner...and if your situation were to change there is alot you would have to get thru before you could even think in those terms about anybody-I am so not trying to push anything on you...and though I NEVER thought I would think of you in that way-after my last Vegas trip I could definitely see it. We are similar enough in some ways (we both are raw and can roll with whatever is thrown our way) and different enough that it could never be boring...you calm parts of me and with me you would always be free-and there is a sweetness between us that I haven't felt in forever...but I am not a "safe" choice. I think you want a more traditional girl at home and then you get what you want elsewhere. And if Sam is indicative of your taste-you are in trouble...she was raw, sexy-but totally needy and had to be the center of attention-I can't see you being happy tripping after some girl-no matter how good of a lay she was. You can have a true partner-someone who knows you and sees you and all your spots and stands by you...but you need to go out there and figure that on your own-even as a friend I can't help you with that. There is more to life and love than what you know or expect...trust that. And sometimes people show themselves in codes that are hard to decipher-that doesn't mean it is a language you can't understand.
and maybe none of it is real. Maybe I am feeling what I am feeling because you are a question mark...but after john and I broke up, I swore I would never let myself get so emotionally tangled up in someone I couldn't walk away or pack my bag and move across the country or across the world from them...but when I am with you, I don't want to be anywhere else...I am completely in the moment-I just want to feel your skin against my skin and laugh at your dumb jokes. THAT is enough...for all the big and great loves I have had-the simplicity of the space we occupy is enough...just having you there next to me. What you do when we aren't together? Couldn't care less. But I think I am more invested in you than you are in me...
and that makes me a fool and a lifetime original movie.I am not going to be THAT girl-my heart is too big and I am way too fucking awesome.you don't get to hurt me
When I meet other guys,interact with them on that "dating/flirty" level-it makes you more important. For all your faults and Colt Ford mp3s, you just charm the fuck out of me. I love what you are and aren't, both to me and in general. And you are important to me. As time passes, that importance grows. You take up more space in my heart and thoughts. I wouldn't care except the distance is beginning to bother me. Though intellectually I accept that we live in different states and generally prefer things that way-lately I have really wished I lived closer. That is scary for me. Especially because I don't think we are on the same page about that.
Which leads to my second concern. For the longest time my daydreams about you involved fucking or ravioli making. (which looks really odd in print)...now I imagine us doing normal stuff, then fucking...laughing over dinner and tearing each other apart in the parking lot-not even making it home...going to a country bar, shooting whiskey then going home and fucking like animals until we pass out-sweaty and exhausted...And that is ridiculous, we can't even leave my room in Vegas. At this point I don't even think we could have a beer with Chris or Brenda-because we are far closer than we should be by their accounts-and to be around other people would be weird. Either we would be uncomfortable with trying not to act too comfortable-or we would be to comfortable and add fuel to the fire.
And the fact you said you can't see us together makes me think we are on different planets. I mean, I am sure you can't see yourself with anyone at this point-including your current partner...and if your situation were to change there is alot you would have to get thru before you could even think in those terms about anybody-I am so not trying to push anything on you...and though I NEVER thought I would think of you in that way-after my last Vegas trip I could definitely see it. We are similar enough in some ways (we both are raw and can roll with whatever is thrown our way) and different enough that it could never be boring...you calm parts of me and with me you would always be free-and there is a sweetness between us that I haven't felt in forever...but I am not a "safe" choice. I think you want a more traditional girl at home and then you get what you want elsewhere. And if Sam is indicative of your taste-you are in trouble...she was raw, sexy-but totally needy and had to be the center of attention-I can't see you being happy tripping after some girl-no matter how good of a lay she was. You can have a true partner-someone who knows you and sees you and all your spots and stands by you...but you need to go out there and figure that on your own-even as a friend I can't help you with that. There is more to life and love than what you know or expect...trust that. And sometimes people show themselves in codes that are hard to decipher-that doesn't mean it is a language you can't understand.
and maybe none of it is real. Maybe I am feeling what I am feeling because you are a question mark...but after john and I broke up, I swore I would never let myself get so emotionally tangled up in someone I couldn't walk away or pack my bag and move across the country or across the world from them...but when I am with you, I don't want to be anywhere else...I am completely in the moment-I just want to feel your skin against my skin and laugh at your dumb jokes. THAT is enough...for all the big and great loves I have had-the simplicity of the space we occupy is enough...just having you there next to me. What you do when we aren't together? Couldn't care less. But I think I am more invested in you than you are in me...
and that makes me a fool and a lifetime original movie.I am not going to be THAT girl-my heart is too big and I am way too fucking awesome.you don't get to hurt me
Friday, November 6, 2009
The IT Factor
So maybe the real question should be, what is it about you that makes you happy? You, alone. The you that you are when you are in your head- those places no one else can hear or see...
Much of what you put out there is about taking control of other people...The charismatic funny guy, the irresistable asshole, The fix-it guy...people kinda just fall in line and you walk away with the control, whether you want it or not...but the benefit to you in that is you have the power to take it or leave it. Dominance is protection...but for what? Sometimes with you, I feel like I am dealing with a fortress,built around a walled city-that also has a mote of fire around it. But what is on the other side? What's the armor for? Is it to keep you in or to keep the rest of us out. In the last couple years I have seen past some of the fire, but that is all...
You say you to don't talk about things or bring much emotion to table in any of your relationships. But what the fuck? Can you say you are/ever have been truly happy? Cuz that is the big mindfuck catch-22 about this whole life thing...to only way to truly be happy is to risk pain. Do you think that is why you experience life through your cock? You allow yourself pleasure, but not emotion...Pleasure isn't happiness, Daddy...sex is a like a drug and an orgasm is a bump of coke...you can have a fuck all of a good time, but the end it is all fleeting and empty.
And I wonder if you can maintain a truly monogamous relationship. Completely free of swinging and "strange"...You do it for periods of time-but eventually engage in group play or other play. And in the past and even with us to some degree, some of those other relationships have had an emotional component. I wonder what that "other" is exactly, that thing you need...and if you could get it without sticking your dick in someone? Or- that if you isolated what you needed it would hurt too much before it felt better-and hence-you will just kinda repeat the pattern until someone gets pregnant or goes fatal attraction. Then you can blame them for your losses.
I bring this up not because I want to convince you back into my bed-trying to convince you of anything is like throwing a rock into the air and expecting it to take orbit-not only is it impossible-that shit is going to fall back down and probably hurt you. I'd rather be someone in your life that you can trust and that will respect your boundaries,your marriage. Life is way too fucking short to play games.
I just worry about you. You are my friend and I love you and I worry that all the measures you take to protect yourself from harm may end up hurting you in the end-you joke that things with you always end poorly-and I am thinking that is true even with yourself. I don't want to offend you or cross the line. I am sorry that I have in the past...that day I was drunk, I asked the easy question-not the right one. It isn't that simple and DEFINITELY not my place.
alright. I am going to go ride my bike til shit makes sense again.
...yeah
Much of what you put out there is about taking control of other people...The charismatic funny guy, the irresistable asshole, The fix-it guy...people kinda just fall in line and you walk away with the control, whether you want it or not...but the benefit to you in that is you have the power to take it or leave it. Dominance is protection...but for what? Sometimes with you, I feel like I am dealing with a fortress,built around a walled city-that also has a mote of fire around it. But what is on the other side? What's the armor for? Is it to keep you in or to keep the rest of us out. In the last couple years I have seen past some of the fire, but that is all...
You say you to don't talk about things or bring much emotion to table in any of your relationships. But what the fuck? Can you say you are/ever have been truly happy? Cuz that is the big mindfuck catch-22 about this whole life thing...to only way to truly be happy is to risk pain. Do you think that is why you experience life through your cock? You allow yourself pleasure, but not emotion...Pleasure isn't happiness, Daddy...sex is a like a drug and an orgasm is a bump of coke...you can have a fuck all of a good time, but the end it is all fleeting and empty.
And I wonder if you can maintain a truly monogamous relationship. Completely free of swinging and "strange"...You do it for periods of time-but eventually engage in group play or other play. And in the past and even with us to some degree, some of those other relationships have had an emotional component. I wonder what that "other" is exactly, that thing you need...and if you could get it without sticking your dick in someone? Or- that if you isolated what you needed it would hurt too much before it felt better-and hence-you will just kinda repeat the pattern until someone gets pregnant or goes fatal attraction. Then you can blame them for your losses.
I bring this up not because I want to convince you back into my bed-trying to convince you of anything is like throwing a rock into the air and expecting it to take orbit-not only is it impossible-that shit is going to fall back down and probably hurt you. I'd rather be someone in your life that you can trust and that will respect your boundaries,your marriage. Life is way too fucking short to play games.
I just worry about you. You are my friend and I love you and I worry that all the measures you take to protect yourself from harm may end up hurting you in the end-you joke that things with you always end poorly-and I am thinking that is true even with yourself. I don't want to offend you or cross the line. I am sorry that I have in the past...that day I was drunk, I asked the easy question-not the right one. It isn't that simple and DEFINITELY not my place.
alright. I am going to go ride my bike til shit makes sense again.
...yeah
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